August 2024

August has been a strange old month. I feel like I've been climbing my way out of a bit of a mental health hole, which has been aided by unusually plentiful free time, and hindered by the tail end of last month's bout of COVID, a sprained ankle, and a somewhat lack of cash/need for frugality.

In truth I feel like I desperately need a holiday, a change of scene, but I can't justify the expense of a worthwhile trip anywhere, as I'm ferociously saving for some essential tree and fencing works which need to happen in our garden this winter. (Yes yes homeownership is good actually).

So instead I've been moving slowly, trying to look after myself, trying to make the best of a strange and slightly bleak summer, and psych myself up for a very rapid ramping up of workload into September and October.

Our lovely former housemate Camille and her partner Cathy invited us over for dinner and boardgames at their lovely Putney flat. I enjoyed taking an extended walk over there from Barnes, across the common — it had that glorious late summer smell and texture, bone dry grass and soil, thick undergrowth, a rapidly building storm overhead. 

I've booked myself in to start some therapy in September, as I recognised that whatever was going on in my brain in June and July was too much for me to handle alone (even if I am feeling a bit better now, it's still good to check in, right?!) 

In the run up to that I've been thinking a lot about what ails me, and one (of several) big internal conflicts has become the feeling that I should want to spend more time with friends, when in fact what brings me greatest joy is doing stuff on my own?! Don't get me wrong — dinner with Camille and Cathy was lovely, and I left feeling uplifted and happy... But then after a nice lil hangout like that, I don't especially need or want to see anyone else for... many weeks!? Luckily most of my friends are also the kind of people who only have time/want to hang out every few months, but it does get me thinking... is there something wrong with me, or is this just, fine?

And have I changed, or was I actually always this way, and just forcing myself out of my comfort zone more in my late 20s and early 30s?

I regret to inform you that I have failed to consistently be a stylish lady this month. However maybe when I start actually going into uni to work I will make it my 'look'

Jessie is anxious which makes me anxious. I am anxious which makes Jessie anxious. Anxious girls!!!

I keep not managing to get to Quaker meeting because it's a bit annoying to get there since I've moved, but I am always glad when I do manage it.

And then I FUCKED IT — out walking the dog, I put my foot in a small animal hole, took a tumble, and quite dramatically twisted my ankle. I was SO CROSS with myself when I realised quite how bad it was, and how much it was going to ruin my month. (I think this is the same ankle I sprained back in summer 2021 during one of my London to Brighton walks, which doesn't bode well for its future health and stability...)

Luckily, it was olympics time!

(As I mentioned, work is extremely quiet at the moment. Keeping one or two small tasks ticking over for uni, and picking up extremely sporadic freelance bits hasn't amounted to more than one or two meaningful hours work most days this month, which is simultaneously GLORIOUS and deeply frustrating, because I am neither making any money NOR taking full advantage of all the places I could be going and things I could be doing during this unusually quiet time... but maybe this kind of quiet rest time is more important than I think)

At this point I was still deluding myself that with rest and elevation and ice and foot support, my ankle would be better enough to go on my planned mini break to visit friends in York a couple of days later... (but it was not to be)

I always enjoy the olympics, but this year I watched AVIDLY to distract from my sorrow at not being able to leave the house, or even move around much within the house. Got really into lots of obscure sports.

Finally able to limp over to Aldi (which is >2 mins hobble from my front door), got overwhelmed by a jar of relish

Still unable to travel, but now able to move more easily round my own flat, I threw myself into cleaning. The place is GLOWING!

Possibly pushed myself too soon, but felt like I was going a bit stir crazy — got the bus to Wing Yip (the giant Asian supermarket a few miles from our home) and bought some goodies to cheer myself up (I have been cooking exciting things a lot this month, which has been lovely!)

I was VERY SAD when the olympics ended, as I felt like it had been to a great extent helping keep me sane. 

When Snoop Dogg popped up to promote the 2028 olympics in LA, I made a SOLEMN VOW that I WILL make it back to my favourite city in the world, in 2028, 10 years after I first visited and fell in love, back in 2018. Make it so!!

Had a truly terrible experience buying a pair of headphones at Currys, and felt the need to document it in great detail (I'd been waiting to make this purchase for ages now I have more financial stability, and was VERY ANNOYED it was such a bad time)

And the headphones are not even right!!! (I will keep them and use them for zoom calls etc for which they are fine, but they are not good travel headphones! They don't fold and they fall off my head!)

 

One of Jessie's big contradictions is that twice a week the dog walker takes her out and walks her off lead and (by their accounts) she's a perfect angel girl who never runs away or gets lost or attacks other dogs or people. Admittedly, they walk her in a big safe place where it's okay for her to be off lead, whereas the places we walk her locally it's far too easy for her to get lost or get herself in danger. But on lead she's a real dickhead, which is very frustrating.

Come to trendy Croydon!! We have good art! This exhibition in an old department store/Wetherspoons collated a wide variety of people from all over the UK's strange collections. It's on for a while and I highly recommend a visit if you're anywhere in London, it is VERY good.

We had some of my partner's friends over for lunch and Jessie managed not to menace them even once

Another 'Emma thinking about Emma' moment... I used to care SO MUCH about what I wore, and dress so loudly... now I'm 2 stone heavier, and I just want to elegantly disappear (with stretchy waist). Is this okay?! Or am I sad?! 

Visited our other former housemate Beth and partner Angus for a game of my old fav COSMIC ENCOUNTER. I hadn't played it for years and it's still a classic!

Another day, another NOT MUCH WORK, decided to take myself into central London and see the Tavares Strachan exhibition at the Hayward Gallery, which was very good (I made this collage inspired by his work — I rarely work with collage even though I love it, because for some reason it sort of feels like cheating to me?! Even though it's clearly a very valid art form!?)

Just chillin' (still)

My trusted hairdresser from Brighton retired a couple of years ago and since then I've been bouncing from hairdresser to hairdresser getting the same BORING HAIRCUT. When will someone give me the radical, weird, cute, queer look I desire?! (One guy did, once, then promptly disappeared)

To be fair to this guy he was quite good, and I think was just being cautious as I am a new client, so I will go back and see if he can give me something more interesting next time.

This is kind of a big deal I guess, but... I ate a salmon roll?!

I've been vegan for something like a decade (and, FWIW, I still consider myself vegan), but the roll was going in the bin otherwise. And oily fish is the thing I miss most. So I just ate it, and lo, it was good. 

And I may do it again for as long as the free Pret continues!! (I guess this makes me a freegan?! I am still calling myself vegan though) 

But that said, I extremely do not want dairy, poultry, or red meat in my life EVER again. The only thing I really miss is oily fish. (I dream of a whole tin of anchovies for dinner)

I meant to start running at the start of August but ankle situation put paid to that until now. I do need to get some exercise though. Working through the couch to 5k as I have done before, Sarah Millican's kindly voice cheering me on while I listen to slammin' drum n bass.

My partner went away for the weekend for the first time since we got Jessie. Despite the fact that I absolutely can 'cope' with her solo, I do appreciate having my partner around for moral support if she's a dickhead. Plus my partner absolutely adores her, and it's helpful having someone round who feels that way, because a lot of the time, I do not. Anyway, me n Jessie hung out solo for a couple of days and had a reasonably nice time being sweet buddies, so that was good. 

Did another big chunk of London Loop and had a great time at it. Glorious sunshine, and I saw loads of deer in Bushy Park! 

Every week, my partner goes to a boardgaming night. And every week, my partner complains about the group's profound inability to agree on games and tables. Short on paid work, I spent an afternoon developing an elaborate concept for a boardgame scheduling app, complete with brand and a full PDF pitch deck. The whole thing is very silly and I had a lot of fun making it.

We started Jessie on doggie prozac this month — her 'anger issues' are rooted in anxiety, and we're hoping that alongside our ongoing training, this might ease things for her a little bit. She's about a week in and I do think we're starting to see a bit of a difference, so fingers crossed this helps a bit. We're still having good days and bad days though.

 
Took myself out for delicious cold summer udon at Koya in Leicester Square, and just walked around central London streets for a couple of hours. I really do love this city, especially in summer.

 

To be clear, I actually DO want to go back to school, and am really looking forwards to picking up my teaching role again, but I am not entirely looking up to my now-fully-embraced life of stupid-side-projects and frivolous-outings leisure. Ho hum. 

(When I was a kid I used to say 'I don't wanna go back to school' every night repeatedly from late August onwards)

To see out August (my month of leisure), I took the train down to Bexhill for a tour of the De La Warr Pavillion with August and their partner Red. I last visited in 2007 on an undergraduate uni trip, which is kind of an astonishingly long time ago, now. It was nice to be back. (Very scrappy drawing on the train home)

Onwards, to whatever September has in store...