I'm including one from January here. I didn't put it in last month's blog, because it was still too raw, too new.
Last month's blog was all about fun adventures in LA, but what it neglected to mention was that for the whole trip (and for quite a while before), I had been weighed down by the ever growing knowledge that it was time for mine and Alex's relationship to come to an end. I took the time spent apart, on the other side of the world, to really work things through in my mind. Weigh up the rights and wrongs. What can be fixed? What can't? What next? What if?
I spent many quiet evenings alone in my airbnb, time-zones astray from any friends who might have been able to comfort me or offer advice, trying to figure out whether I was about to do the right or the wrong thing. I lay awake for the entire flight home, stomach knotting with the knowledge of the pain I was about to cause.
And, immediately upon getting home, I told Alex that it was over.
Seven years is a long time. Breakups are hard. They hurt. I knew immediately after I'd said the words that it was the right thing — I felt a huge weight lifting, a lightness and freedom and hope and potential... But that weight was immediately replaced, of course, inevitably, by the agonising pain of hurting someone who I still do love very deeply, coupled by the sheer fear of the unknown. What comes next?
We live with our housemate and bff Justin, and I just want to re-emphasise (as this drawing may not make that clear :D) how wonderfully supportive he has been of both of us as individuals throughout this, despite the fact that obviously, having lived with us as a couple of over 5 years, and as this weird little family we've made, this situation to some extent throws one of his closest relationships (i.e. with us as a couple) into disarray too.
The start of February was cold. There was beautiful ice. I walk and walk to be out of the house, away from the pain I've caused, but I don't think Alex notices whether I'm around or not.
I spend ages stood by the canal looking at the vivid beautiful blue feathers on a duck. I come home and we have a horrible, painful conversation in which one of the only things we agree is that we should have probably ended things years ago.
Alex goes away for a week to visit their other partner in Glasgow. We had an open relationship and I am genuinely happy that Alex can go and get some support and comfort from someone who cares deeply about them. One of the hardest things is seeing someone you love suffering, and as the cause of that suffering being basically unable to offer any meaningful support.
Anyway, while they were away I listened to the new James Blake album ('Assume Form') a lot because it is TOO PERFECT for so many of my current feels. Cried a bit. Felt hopeful. Thought about my body and how it feels to disengage from a physical relationship and think about myself in different ways. I'm 30, how do I see myself? Am I happy? Probably happier than I was at 23 when I got into this. But still, strangely crushed and suppressed from some time spent in anxiety and self-doubt. What can I do going forwards to rebuild my self-esteem and sense of self?
I think I'm doing fine but also I'm eating EVERYTHING.
Time apart from Alex (and with very little communication between us) gives me time to focus on how much good I have, and how much to look forwards to. It's a strange feeling. Such hope and such sadness all at once.
Charlie got a tummy bad because he sneakily ate half a giant plastic toy when we weren't looking. It's okay, he's pooped it all out now (gross), but he was very sad for a day or two and we were quite worried. Here he is curled up on my lap in misery. Hard not to feel like a bad dog parent when this kind of thing happens...
Unhelpfully for most of the month I've been suffering from weird, sporadic tinnitus, but like... bassy, echoey tinnitus, not the usual high pitched noise. It was VERY bad and keeping me awake at night, but I put some over-the-counter ear drops down there and it's reduced to only happening once every few days now, which is still bad but better (I'm going to the hospital about it soon). Ears are weird. And it was another unhelpful anxiety to deal with while I was already kind of fragile.
It's a difficult line to tread now. I want to be both caring and supportive of everything that Alex is going through, but I must also figure out what's next for me, and work towards getting there in the best way possible.
One of the reasons I needed things to change was because me and Alex have fundamentally different dreams for the future. It feels strange to be able to admit these things in fullness of truth, having spent so long tiptoeing around them, trying to avoid them, but the truth is:
I do not want children, ever
I hate the countryside, I miss the city
I love my work, and I want to work hard, long hours to get myself where I want to be, professionally and personally
These things were all in fundamental opposition to Alex's dreams for their future, our future, and honestly, we had already tried so many compromises to get around these things, but there really aren't solutions to such big issues. We'd talked about one day maybe adopting. We moved to Hebden Bridge which is rural but still a decently sized town and close to big cities.
But I do not want to be responsible for children in my life, in any way, shape or form. And I need to be in the city again. Hebden Bridge has been wonderful to me and I don't regret moving here for a moment, but it cannot be forever. I cannot be happy here in the long-term. I tried, and I wanted it to be right, but it never would be. I spent my first 19 years living in a rural area and it wasn't until I left that I realised how wrong it had always been for me. I thought maybe I was ready and able to return, but I was wrong.
So now it's that gentle process of figuring out where we go from here. Taking care of each other. But also making sure that neither of us are holding the other back from getting to where we need to be in order to be happy. And we're still figuring out what that means.
Anyway, to lighten the mood I finally got hold of one of the new vegan magnums and it was BANGING
As I alluded to, one of my strengths, but also weaknesses (in the context of being a person in a relationship) is that I work, a lot. I can't say no to things. I have both a terrible fear of ending up broke which means that I am incapable of turning down work, coupled with huge and expensive dreams and a love of having nice things, and means that I probably like making money more than I really should. (Although if I really liked making money maybe I shouldn't have chosen this career, lolsob)
Especially when going through times of emotional struggle, my solution is generally 'work so hard I can't think about anything else', and that is mostly what I've been doing.
(But gotta be careful not to do that too much because IF YOU ART TOO MUCH YOU MIGHT BREAK YOURSELF, watch out for that one guys)
Alex was home for a couple of days and then I went away for a week. I think it was good for us to have a lot of space from each other this month to try and figure things out. I flew over to Dublin to visit my lovely friends Lauren and Steph (and their beautiful cat Ida). The last (and only) time I'd ever visited Dublin was by ferry from Holyhead for a friend's 18th birthday party way back when. It was strange and nice to be back after so long.
I had a lovely chill morning painting with Lauren (who is an incredible illustrator) and then in the afternoon Alfred flew in to join us.
He was playing a show that evening at the Sugar Club with Dorian Concept, which was a slightly strange night overall — Gogo Penguin (modern British jazz trio) were playing at Dublin's grand main concert hall, with Dorian Concept (rowdy keyboard-based electronica) in support, and then there was an afterparty at the Sugar Club, which was Dorian Concept again, with Alfred (Daedelus) there to make it into a proper dance party. But I can't really imagine that many people being up for like, a solid 5 or 6 hours of gig split across two very different venues and two very different moods? I would have been curious to know how many people actually went to both shows... Although WE DID, which was something of a surprise, but Alfred got complimentary tickets to the earlier Gogo Penguin show, and we decided to go along and check them out. It was a lovely venue and they were very good at playing their instruments, but I just haven't enjoyed their second and third albums that much (after loving their first!) and that was basically all thay played, so I was kind of sad. (And I met them later on and they were SO NICE so I felt really bad for not enjoying their set, sorry guys)
Dorian Concept was incredible at both shows, and also a very lovely man (who I was lucky enough to witness experiencing his first ever pint of Guinness at around 2am), and I had a good dance in the Sugar Club to both him and Alfred, although it's a weird kind of venue... an old converted cinema with most of the seats still intact and just a narrow area at the front to dance so like... the whole rest of the room is sat behind you watching you? Not ideal tbh but I persisted, and my friend Stephen came to join me for a bop and a catch-up, which was extra lovely.
We had a nice Sunday in Dublin the next day mostly being very sleepy (me because of the late night and ongoing feels-tireds, Alfred because of jet lag), but we did manage to go and see Brian Eno's not particularly good visual art exhibition, and Lauren and Steph cooked us a wonderful dinner. On Monday Alfred headed off for some shows in Switzerland, and after another morning exploring Dublin and hanging out with Lauren, I got a flight down to Gatwick, and onwards to Brighton. And this is how I looked! (Roughly)
This was my first time working with gouache and I really like it. I need to treat myself to some tubes at some point when I'm feeling extravagant. (The main thing I learned is CLEAN YOUR BRUSH WATER OFTEN, hence why my face colour is so muddy and bad, agh)
Back in Brighton, back in the office (which is always nice. Working from home is great but I do miss my lovely colleagues). Got to do some ACTUAL graphic design as well, spent like an hour just looking at fonts, what a delight.
Also, once again, returning to the big questions of WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE NOW
It's a weird feeling, not knowing what's coming next. It's unlike me. I've always had a plan. And I do have a rough plan I guess.
— I need to be back in a city
— I want Charlie to come with me
— I want to maintain roughly the same work situation I currently have (i.e. part time for my main employer, freelance the rest of the time)
But beyond that... it's all to be figured out I guess?
I'd love to leave the UK. So many people have asked me when I'm going to move to LA if I love it so much, but the truth of it is, I just don't see a path there right now (if you have one, please let me know!?) and even if I could get there, the chances of me being able to afford the cost of living there feel very far-fetched. I'd also be very happy to live in Germany or the Netherlands (which I already know I like), or even to consider places I've not been within the EU, if the opportunity arose.
But realistically, any of those are unlikely. (Please don't even get me started on Brexit right now, such fun to throw your own life into disarray while seemingly your country has no idea wtf it's doing either) I'm probably stuck in the UK*, and if that's the case, where do I want to be? I've always dreamt of living in London, and still do, but again, it feels so wildly beyond anything I could ever afford. Going back to Brighton feels like an obvious choice, and there's no doubt I'd feel safe and happy there, but is safety and comfort what I really need or want right now? (Also can I even afford Brighton these days?)
I like Manchester too. Could I be happy in Leeds? Should I move to WORTHING?! I just have no idea. But honestly, there's no rush to figure it out.
I've decided I can take (and want!) one more year in Hebden Bridge. There is so much good here, so much potential, so much I'm loving working on, so much community. I'm going to work hard all year and try and get the money together to go back to LA for a month or so in the darkest days of winter again. Then when I get back from that trip next January, I'll start making decisions about where to go and what to do next.
That's my plan for now anyway. I'm hoping that much of a year will give me the clarity I need.
After a couple of days in Brighton's reassuring embrace, I headed up to London to re-find Alfred, returning to the UK after his couple of days in Switzerland.
He was still wildly, deliriously, cripplingly jetlagged, and I was still weighed down by the tangles of emotion and figuring my brain has been doing, but we took care of each other, and managed to find plenty of weird/delicious foods, friends and sounds.
The main reason Alfred was in London was for Immerse(d), a day long convention/festival about the intersection of sound, health and technology. He'd been involved with the organisation of similar events in LA and Montreal, and this was the third in the series.
It was an incredible day of fascinating speakers, magical new tech and incredible sounds... While Alfred ran around being sweet and helpful and organised, I drifted around the beautiful Ravesbourne University campus sinking into loads of strange and fascinating experiences... My first VR adventures (hard no to that though)... My first time trying out a Subpac (weird good)... I touched some plants and made noises happen... Got really excited about zoetropes... Got really excited about how little we still know about the potential of sound to change and heal us...
Being back at an arts university made me weirdly nostalgic for my days at Brighton uni too. Maybe I should drop everything and do another arts degree?!?!?!?! I mean, probably not, but it's nice to be able to think about it I guess.
Ravensbourne is directly next to the O2 arena (or as I still think of it, the Millenium Dome)... I'd never actually been to that part of London before, so spent some of the day walking around it (and finding myself some lunch), marvelling at how weirdly bleak it all is.
It was a long, tiring, but fun day, and Alfred played a beautiful 'deep rumbles' set to close out, which was channeled at us through subpacs and a 16-way speaker set up for like... one of the best auditory experiences I've ever had. AND I got to sit down. AND it was over by 8.30. The perfect show?!?! (I'm such a loser)
Afterwards we treated ourselves to delicious dinner at one of Yottam Ottolenghi's restaurants and I felt incredibly lucky to have had a day so suffused in wonderful sensory delights.
The next day Alfred flew back to LA and I went and had a massive therapeutic cry over a giant fried breakfast with George (and Lauren, who was coincidentally visiting from Dublin).
It was a weird cry because actually even though saying goodbye to Alfred is sad, it wasn't really about that... We always have such a lovely time that I'm never miserable when he leaves, more happy to have had such nice times, and this time was no different, even though we had both been tireder and more careworn than usual. And although obviously things with Alex are tough... We'll be okay. I know it. We're both strong and there's so much potential in both of us that we've been holding each other back from, now we can start to figure out how to get to where we want to be.
I guess it's just good to have a cry sometimes. While shovelling baked beans and hash browns into your face. Then George took me home and Wes got back and treated me to loads of samples from his extensive vegan cheese selection and I felt thoroughly contented again.
FEELINGS! How do they work.
Alex still hasn't decided if they can carry on living with me. It's their choice to make. I hope they'll stay for a while longer. Despite everything they're still one of my favourite people, and I think that they, like me, will benefit from another nearly-year to figure out where they're going and what they're doing from the comfort of the lovely home we've made here with Justin too. But they're still figuring out how and where they need to go through that process, and until they're feeling more sure about everything, all I can do is wait, and care, and continue to be there for them as we both figure ourselves out.
Having a dramatic haircut is a bit of a breakup cliche, but I did the thing and I have no regrets. (And I'd been pondering it for a few months anyway)
I'd always been growing my hair to give to a friend for a wig, and I had wanted to get it just a bit longer, but the previous week of travelling had finally bought home to me that I just couldn't take it any more, and it wasn't even looking good most of the time, just messy and hard to deal with. Now I have a super-cute assymetric bob, and I feel LIGHT AND FREE!
More of that, I hope. Onwards.
*If you might have any kind of opportunity which would help me get out of the UK either for the short or the long term, please let me know. Job opportunities, house-sitting/swapping, people looking for room-mates, freelance gigs... I'm open to all of it!
