September 2020

Well, it’s been a quiet old month. The end of September somehow also hails the beginning of the end of the year for me, and what a strange year this one has been (and continues to be). I appreciate there are three months more of 2020 to come (and who knows what they hold) but the ongoing quiet, coupled with the fading weather has really been giving me a lot of light melancholy wistfulness about what has been, and what hasn’t. Ho hum.

With the boy still decidedly less agile than usual, my long walks have been few and far between, but treated myself to a solitary long (and one way) walk up to West Brompton, with the joy of a ten minute train home. I enjoyed how quaint West Brompton station was, and felt like a big nerd for doing so.

Still figuring out how I want to look. Both in physique and fashion. Enjoying some of the curves that lockdown has bought, but not others. Enjoying wearing a lot of black, but somewhat vainly, missing catching eyes, missing compliments from strangers, missing boldness. Just another health goth now I guess. (Except not that healthy....)

I’ve been visual diarying long enough now that I’m not about to stop, but it definitely has its ebbs and flows in terms of inspiration and style, and spending months barely leaving the house hasn’t proven conducive to creativity for me...

Did you know Salvador Dali designed the Chupa Chups logo? (You probably did)

Got to have an out!! My partner’s friend Sophie really wanted to see us so we went and got Temple of Seitan and ate it in the park and it was a really nice time. Seeing people is wild man. Wouldn’t it be nice to get back into that, LOL 

It be like that sometimes I guess. Luckily nothing even vaguely COVID adjacent, so at least I was able to wallow in my own foulness in peace. SKIN, what even is it?!

In a rare bout of productive personal creativity, I finished my zine TWENTY YEARS OF BLEEDING. It’s about periods and how to deal with them and it’ll be on my Etsy as soon as I get the printed copies. My printer liked it so much they asked if they could sell some copies in their distro, so I’m taking that as a positive endorsement!

Still playing Breath of the Wild LOADS, and having frankly the most fun I’ve had this year doing so. Weird how you can grow so attached to fictional places. I’m missing the ocean so much that I sometimes get sad when I walk along the beaches in the game, that I’ll never get to visit them in real life.

I have always loved the boy with all my heart. But there’s been something in particular about this year, sharing such quiet days with him so intimately. We spend all our time together and even though he is still The Unfathomable Boy, we’ve fallen into such contented little routines of affection and coziness and precision of habit that I truly find my love for him growing with intensity every day. Because of his bad legs I feel sad that his world has really shrunk, in terms of outings, but he seems entirely at peace with it all, as long as he gets to come and lie on the bed and be baby spoon for a few hours every evening.

I love the conkers.

So here’s the big mood, as best I can convey it. I’m really lucky to have had such a peaceful few months of sweetness and intimacy with my partner and my (canine) son. We have a safe home, no awful human children, and sufficient trickling of income as to not be super scared (yet). But my goodness, I miss the world. I miss sounds and loves and places and friends and so much yet unseen and unknown. Before all of this happened I really felt like I was pushing to live my life to its fullest potential. And maybe burning out a little in the process, but not quite, mostly burning bright... I remember the week in March when lockdown was announced. I was seeing three or four different friends, a long distance partner was coming to visit, I was going to two gigs and an art exhibition, and another friend’s lecture, and then suddenly, it was all just gone. And I wonder if I will ever get that life back. It’s a small loss compared to what some people have lost, but my heart aches with longing for travel and friendship and new experiences and all the London that this beautiful city could offer me that I barely got to take advantage of (coincidentally this was exactly a year to the day since I moved here...)

(Pizza) Daddy

Mum came to visit for the afternoon and that was a really nice time.

So we finally got the boy seen by a specialist, and got to the root of his issues. If you’ve been reading a while you might remember that he got a mysterious and very traumatic foot infection around Christmas that left him with quite a lot of scar tissue between his toes. Well that scar tissue formed into a corn on one of his pads of that foot, which neither I nor my regular vet had realised. That corn has been causing him subtle, low level pain for months now, which has altered his gait when walking, causing muscle wastage and weakness in his hips. Which is kind of ridiculous, but here we are with a limpy sad boy because of it. Next steps are physio/hydrotherapy, which might totally solve the problem, but if the corn is still an issue he may have to have surgery on that, and possibly even lose the toe, but we hope not. All in all, a sad boy, but could be a lot worse (we’d been fearing something spinal or neurological)

Amongst MY physical complaints, have been a few days where I have just felt itchy all over for no reason. It sucks! Am I allergic to something? Is it anxiety? Stress? WHO KNOWS

More looks

Moths have been a pretty constant presence in my life since I lived in a house in Brighton with someone who had a moth horde in their possession, and then Hebden bridge was apparently renowned as a place where everyone had moths too... most of my clothes are synthetic trash so I’ve never been too badly affected, and seemed to have shaken them off since moving to London, but a couple showed up in our wardrobe and we found some eggs on a couple of garments and my (very fastidious) partner FREAKED OUT, so spent the day gently panicking and dry cleaning and buying cedar and trying to console them.

Hair’s ANNOYING

Managed to get a hook up for a relatively big job for a nice new client, and even though I sometimes joke that I hate designing text-heavy reports, my guilty secret is that I actually love it. Mmmmmm paragraph styles. Mmmmm lets get that grid juuuussssssttt right. (Hire me to design your report)

Treated myself to a solitary, heavily sanitised morning out to the small but good Grayson Perry exhibition about the USA at Victoria Miro gallery, followed by some delicious noodles at Spitalfields. There was one piece in particular at the exhibition that really inspired the visual style for this drawing, a massive red and blue diagram/map about the social state of the US today that I really enjoyed. I can’t remember what it was called but maybe if I’m feeling diligent I’ll link back to it here later...

Okay winter’s here now

Sometimes I make bad choices

I think part of my lockdown strategy that I really stand by has been pretty much switching off from all news. I get the key headlines via word of mouth from my partner or other friends or my carefully curated twitter, but I feel I’ve been somewhat shielded from much of the stress and sensationalism that I know a lot of other people have been hating. But anyway, I went to Asda for my (usually) quiet weekly shop and it was RIDICULOUS, panic buying in full effect, and I was like... did I miss a Boris announcement or something?! But no, just seems like we’ve reached enough of a tipping point for the potential of another lockdown that people have decided to learn absolutely nothing from last time and clear the shelves again. Grim. (Also grim, I have what feels like a wisdom tooth coming through, and the soonest my dentist can see me, even on an emergency basis is OCTOBER TWENTY NINTH. Here’s hoping the tooth gives up trying before then like it did last time...)

I write this blog to you from my shiny new* (*second hand) iPad, its rather nice... the main reason I bought it though was that I’ve been feeling like I should really start doing my drawing digitally, and I haven’t been able to get on with screenless tablets. Everyone says the iPad is a really great drawing tool so I figured I’d get one and give it a try (I can always sell it back to CEX if things don’t work out). The jury’s out for now though as I’m still waiting for my fancy pencil to arrive...

Absolutely didn’t do this justice in drawing form, but today me and my partner went to see the glorious Architecture For Dogs exhibition at Japan House. Highly recommend if you want a gentle socially distanced cultural out. Then we had Katsu curry in the park and it was a cute date (of which we have had remarkably few because, life!?)

I hope I can do some better drawings next month. I’ve felt a bit slow and off my game this one. We’ll see I guess...

August 2020

August has felt like a contiuation of drifting, albeit maybe a slow drifting towards some kind of way forward, which is positive I guess.

On August 1st, I let myself have my first 'for leisure' train ride since lockdown, a short hop over to Peckham for a friend's birthday gathering in the park there. It ended up being two trains each way because the Overground wasn't running, but *whispers* I'm into it.

Neither of these mainline trains were busy at all, despite it being a Saturday, which I found quite reassuring. 

I made pizza dough from scratch for the first time ever and it was QUITE GOOD. (Also a fun thing to do with housemates)

My days latterly have all followed this extremely chill routine, except now I've swapped 'work out' for 'go for a walk' because LOL at the idea I would ever sustain any kind of exerting physical exercise for any amount of time, despite my best intentions and rapidly expanding waistline.

 

In the hot weather, all the grass in the parks totally dried up, and it seemed like there was LOADS of (mostly litter based) tiny detritus. People have been really bad for littering in the parks this year it seems :(

 

My partner got the bird-themed boardgame 'Wingspan' for their birthday, and we LOVE it.

It got REALLY hot back there. My partner really suffers in the heat, but generally it's my preferred state, so I mostly just try and be supportive of them while actually kind of enjoying it myself. It did get to be a bit much but I still kinnnndaaaa love it (the badness is mostly just the lingering dread of global warming)

 

It's hard for this boy though. Luckily he's old and wise enough now to understand he just needs to lie really still while I repeatedly place fridge-cold towels over him, rather than still trying to bound about like when he was younger.

 

Kind of enjoyed trying to figure out how my new-ish still-developing wardrobe aesthetic works in the heat (quite well actually?!)

 

One thing I've been doing a LOT of is playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I was dubious about it, after Animal Crossing, which is so gentle and meditative and, in some ways, simple to master... I wasn't much enthused about the combat elements of it, and initially found the complete camera mobility really hard to handle, but was quickly won over by the spectacular open-world they've built, and even though I'm still not very adept at any aspect of it which involves having to push the right buttons fast, I have really enjoyed the exploration and puzzle solving aspects of it, plus the adorable cooking mechanic and like a million other tiny delightful details. I highly recommend it if you want something to eat all your free time that will totally distract your mind from everything else out there. I was kinda worried that maybe 2 or 3 (or occasionally 4...) hours a day of computer game was too much, but actually the only thing I was finding myself able to do with that time otherwise was doom-scrolling, and actually on balance both Animal Crossing and Zelda have served as an extremely calming, soothing, distracting presence in my life over this grim, weird period, and I really appreciate them for it. (Oh yeah I suck at fan art btw...)

 

Despite the intense heat, I really felt the need to get out, having barely left the house other than for Charlie toilet trips for a week or more. I decided to strike out alone, on a lovely (albeit only 10 minute) air conditioned train to Putney, where I had a glorious time exploring Fulham Palace's walled botanical garden, and going inside a church for the first time since early March. I normally attend Quaker worship every Sunday, but obviously that's not been happening, and I had missed being in a quiet room and allowing myself the space I allow myself at Quaker church. I guess I should try and do that at home but it's just not the same somehow. There's always a dog to be stroked or a game to be played or work to be done or a meal to be cooked. In a church, whatever form it takes, I can fall still and somehow feel the weight of the thousands of other prayers that have been prayed in that space over the previous decades/centuries. Generally when exploring throughout my life I'd always go into any church and have the briefest moment of silence at least, and this is probably the longest period of time I've ever gone without entering a church of some kind. Which is kinda weird I guess.

Anyway I got to ride the tube home which is another place I often find myself able to be still and calm, and I got to have some sushi, so all in all, a win.

THAT WENT WELL, I thought, let's do it again! (By the way, I am still furloughed and my freelance work was very light this past month, hence all the vaguely dread-filled leisure time...)

I searched out another nice, free garden to explore, and settled upon Chiswick House and Gardens, another short train ride away. However, despite not officially being any hotter than the previous day, the weather felt way more oppresive, to the extent that I could barely stand being outdoors, so I basically walked there, walked across the gardens, got a calippo, and went home again. Was still nice to see a new place though.

I really don't feel like there have been many times in my life before where I've exoperienced such heat for so long, and I've certainly never sought out fans (I hate them), dunking my feet in cold water (they'd normally get cold way too fast), or frozen water bottles (never really liked cold drinks that much), but suddenly all of these things seemed GREAT. Although the heat was kind of hard to deal with (our house is a total heat trap which made it even worse), the pleasure I got from the cold water feet dunking and the iced drinks kinda made it all okay, and actually just spending every day mostly lounging with my nice partner and my dog, reading and playing games and drinking cold drinks was... really... nice?! I guess this is what people have been doing on holidays this whole time, huh

Anyway it had to end eventually and I don't care how much we needed it, I still hate the rain.

Anyway, rain continued as I made my longest trip away since lockdown began, getting the 90 min train down to my parents place in Chichester for an overnight stay. I don't know if it was actually the longest we've ever been apart (I feel like there might have been longer periods of time when I was at uni, and possibly in Yorkshire), and we're not like, super tight, but still, it had started to feel very strange not having seen them for so long. Oh, and obviously 'my sister' (their two year old cockpoo) as well. Was nice to fly through.

 

Maybe more than my parents (sorry mum and dad), I missed the sea. I grew up on the coast, lived in Brighton for nearly 10 years, and even while in Yorkshire I was returning to Brighton every couple of months at least. This was definitely the longest period of time I have ever gone without standing on a beach looking at the waves.

Stopped off in Worthing on my way back to see good friends Heidi, Rosie and Harriet, and my goodest friend of all, the ocean.

 

One of Charlie's Borrow My Doggie pals went to visit her family in Scotland and asked me if I'd water her plants while she was gone. I was delighted to, not least because she lives on the 19th floor of a nearby tower block — it was a real joy to see the views from up high!

 

A lot of pondering this month tbh.

 

This one's a bit of a cheat visual diary, but I found the game Cartographers REALLY fun and really aesthetically pleasing! Here's my play sheet.

Well, things between me and my partner S have been nothing but lovely since they moved in on a trial basis in May, and given that our incomes are both massively recduced at the moment and their lease ends in September, we decided to make the arrangement permanent. One of their conditions was that we get rid of the bed that came with the room and replace it with their bed, which is fine if it weren't for bloody freecyclers being spectacularly unreliable.

 

 

Anyway, in the end we found a solution and spent the following day disassembling and reassembling furniture at great length. I.   HATE.    IT.  

 

 

Anyway, I had an interview for a thing and did a convincing job of being an adult, so that's nice.

 

And that thing is... an MA?! And I got it?!

This MA, to be precise. It's quite good and I'm kind of surprised I even got an interview, let alone got accepted. My history with academia is lacklustre at best, and I've done a much better job at proving myself out in the real world, on my own terms... But for quite a long time I've felt like I need something to push me forward in my career. I'm increasingly disenchanted with the idea of working in a studio, and with traditional branding and marketing design work. I want to figure out what's next for me, and how I can actually follow my passions when it comes to design and beyond.

I never thought there would be a right time for this, but I found out this month that my main employer is massively reducing my hours, and with most of my freelance clients incredibly quiet, I figured better to spend this downtime learning something new, rather than just twiddling my thumbs or desperately chasing work that I don't want or that isn't even there.

I have some savings from my time in Yorkshire which, along with an ongoing trickle of freelance work should be able to sustain me until December 2021 when the course ends.

It's kind of a huge deal for me and I'm kind of terrified, but here's hoping I can do it justice this time...

In a fun thought exercise, S asked me if I could only have 10 foods forevermore, what would they be? Here are my picks, for nourishment and joy.

 

And then, we hired the van! We got their stuff! Moving is stressful but WE DID IT! (They had made a number of bold claims over our time together that they were really good at driving vans, which seems wild to me because driving a van competantly and calmly across central London at rush hour on a Friday feels about as a remote a possibility for me as flying to the moon, and yet, THEY DID IT)

And now we live together! 

Weird year, huh

And with that, AUTUMN.

(Which previously filled me with dread but now I don't live in a forever-rain place, I'm kind of ready to be cosy and cute)

 

I'm also, in theory, ready to try and get back into some kind of more regular work/productivity pattern, I hope. S now has their desk next to mine and we both hold each other accountable to actually sitting at them together and getting the stuff done, and it feels very positive. (Even though I kinda loved armchair working)

 

I walked over to LCC (where I'll be doing my MA from October) to see whether it is viable to walk there regularly from my house. Google said it would take me an hour and 5 minutes, but I did it in 55, which made me quite smug, and also feels realistic to do at least some of the time (not that I'll be going in that much, given the current situation). 

I feel excited and scared and hopeful about the future, and very lucky to have a comfortable home full of partner and plants and dog, even if there may be financial hard times to come, I'm hoping those things will remain constant.

Onwards, to autumn, somehow, I guess.