October 2023

I feel like I keep saying 'it's been a hard month', but I do genuinely think things are going to get easier soon. This month might have been the stress-climax?! Maybe?! (I bloody well hope so)

Sundays are meant to be day of rest time, but too often they end up being day of life admin time

My partner got sick AGAIN and gave it to me. Not COVID this time, but kind of way worse. A horrible snotty, coughy cold, that has flared up my (long covid?) throat/breathing condition and has left me with a hacking cough for the entirety of the month (and based on previous form, probably the entirety of the winter, though I have been to the doctor and been referred to a specialist, as I am dreading my third winter of hell cough)

Given start-of-term university is already a horrendous petri dish of lurgies, I persisted with work. Got to teach in a new part of the building with good views and non disgusting toilets.

My particular teaching role this year involves a lot more ORATING than last year (where I was co-teaching with someone much more experienced who did most of the talking), which is extremely incompatible with a sore throat. (Why didn't I take the time off sick? My stupid excuse: I am genuinely REALLY EXCITED to do this job)

Chase continued to struggle, generally. She went from 'mostly fine' in August to 'a very frail old lady' by the start of October. She was extremely wobbly and unstable, and I found it very difficult to deal with. We took her to the vet who suggested we try her on some steroids in addition to the nerve pain drugs she was already on.

Having not really left the house for a couple of weeks other than to teach, walked along the river for a bit, admired many swans.

 
I'm sure this is absolutely fine

Teaching my students about the ELEMENTS and PRINCIPLES of art and design, which is not a model I have previously learned, and I was quite cynical at first but it's actually been quite useful (and fun)

[Cough cough cough]

Our new housemate Jude moved in! Do not get invested in her as a character in Emma's life story: I am moving out soon :)

Went to my solicitor's office and signed a load of papers. Does this mean I've bought a house?! Not yet, but SOON (a very indeterminate amount of soon)

Unfortunately, while the steroids did improve Chase's general mood and energy levels (and made her ravenously hungry), she began suffering a terrible side effect of 'nystagmus' — where she would suffer small fit-like episodes where her eyes would start flickering furiously from side to side, and she would become completely unable to understand the world around her or stand up. They typically happened when she was exposed to unexpected light sources, which made our nightly trips out to the park for a shit extremely stressful, as every time we walked under a particularly bright streetlight, or a car with bright headlights passed, she'd keel over or walk into a lamp post. At this point I'd just have to pick her up and carry her for a bit (and she's not a small dog). 

We halved her steroid dose to try and counteract the fits. But it just led her back to being extremely frail and unsteady and unable to move around easily. I was very low by this point, emotionally, so my friend Vicky came over to watch Strictly with me and my housemate Beth to try and cheer me up. We got pizza!

I'd been saying for a couple of weeks I thought it might be Chase's time, but my partner (probably rightly) wanted to keep trying things to keep her going. But we both came to the conclusion that her suffering was unfair, and so we called the emergency vet to come and do a house call to put her to sleep.

I was really frightened and tearful — having had the experience of losing Charlie so suddenly in 2020, I was really scared about being with her while she died (but also knew I had to be). I felt somehow like it would profoundly destroy me emotionally, to watch her life slip away. 

But Charlie died very traumatically, and in pain, and we were not with him when it happened. THAT is what destroyed me. Chase left us so peacefully, it really did just feel like she was suddenly very tired. She always was a sleepy girl, and naps always were her favourite thing. 

It was the right thing to do and I'm glad we didn't wait any longer. She wasn't even frightened — she normally hates the vet, but because we called them to the house, she greeted them like a friend, and was pleased to cooperate and gently munch chicken goodies right through to the end.

My heart breaks, but I am glad at least that her worst suffering was only for a matter of weeks, not months or years.

I was obviously very sad the next day, but didn't really see what else there was to do other than go to work and teach like usual.

Me and my partner experienced her passing very differently. In the weeks leading up to her death I was a complete emotional mess, holding her and sobbing almost every night, constantly thinking and worrying about her. After she was gone, I felt sadness, but also peace.

Whereas while she was still with us, my partner (who relied on her even more than me) was very much able to put on a brave face and keep going, and it was only after she was gone that they suffered the worst of their grief. 

With Charlie we both seemed to be quite well aligned, but it's been different this time, obviously. And actually probably helpful, as it's meant that we've both been able to be stable for each other when we've been at our worst.

I haven't really felt any choice but to keep working through my sickness and grief this month. The work is there and I need the money. Teaching is demanding but rewarding. My role at my friend's tech studio is also hugely rewarding and fulfilling but also almost always stressful and a tad emotionally draining. My freelance clients inevitably end up coming in third place to this other work, but they're also my longest standing work, and despite fluctuations, arguably my most reliable, and I love them. I am not about to drop them! So it all has to squish in somewhere, and some weeks it's easier than others.

The house we are buying requires some urgent renovations, and doing these is scraping me right to the bottom of my bank account in a way that I find very stressful, so... gotta keep going. In truth I think the intensive schedule helped get me through my grief better than wallowing would.

We FINALLY got to visit the house we're in the process of buying for the first time since the original viewing. It was... worse than I remembered, but kind of in a way I'd mentally prepared myself for. There were also some nice details I'd forgotten about or not noticed before. 

Oh but I miss her every single day. My entire life was built around her, my lovely friend.

Me and my partner went to the London Museum of Fashion and Textiles to see their exhibition of political textiles 'The Fabric of Democracy' — it was really great and I highly recommend it!

With the house purchase seemingly progressing, we had a 'life comes at you fast' moment when we realised we needed to choose a new bathroom like... NOW. Because the current bathroom is basically borderline unusable (worse even than the Railway Street bathroom, Brighton friends...), we had to line up builders to resolve it before we can move in. And we can't afford to have too much wiggle room between getting the keys and moving in, because I can't afford to pay rent on our current place and mortgage for too long. 

I'd always thought if I got the chance to renovate a bathroom I'd spend MONTHS poring over every detail, but instead I just ran round a warehouse on an industrial estate in Croydon trying to decide what makes a good sink over the course of around 2 hours. (Also we went to Ikea and all the tills went down right as we were in the lunch queue so we got FREE MEAT(plant)BALLS)

I'm still sad/mad our old housemate Camille had to move out (yes FINE she had a totally justifiable reason but what could be better than living with Emma?!) — but very glad we still get to hang out sometimes for boardgames and macaroni cheese

Trying to capture the new lines appearing on my face for every additional day my solicitor doesn't respond to my emails

I keep saying how great it will be for me and my partner to move out of a shared bedroom in a shared house but in actual fact our current bedroom is HUGE, has a massive walk in wardrobe, and we use most of the living room too, so our new, modestly sized place will be a significant downgrade size wise. I am a serial de-clutterer at the best of times but thus commences the most drastic declutter I can imagine!

And then suddenly oh fuck I'm in a bank signing away the largest sum of money I ever have or probably will have (and discovering I have an incredibly unreliable signature)...

And all of a sudden, I own a modest two bed flat in Croydon. Wouldya look at that.

Felt very conflicted about the big protest because big protests give me anxiety (but also clearly this is very important, damn, I should go) — I didn't go to the big protest but I did go and stand NEAR the big protest for a little while

On Sunday we went to 'Dunrunnin', an ex-racing greyhound kennel, who we're soon hoping to adopt a dog from. We can't take one until we're in our new house! We can't wait!! We liked Barley the best so we're very much hoping he's still there when we're ready, a little under a month from now.

My anxiety levels briefly dipped when I got the keys to the house but have risen sky high again as I am dealing with BUILDERS, argh

It's a rare occurence but some days I just don't know what to draw. Luckily my partner is always there to help.

Onwards into an EXCITING, STRESSFUL, ACTION PACKED November in which we will be definitely moving house and probably getting a new dog friend. Eek!