August 2021

Well, those of you who live in London as I do may be sharing my DEEP RESENTMENT at the total lack of summer experienced here. In a bleak year I'd been holding out for at least a few more days of glorious sunshine and kind-of-a-bit-too-hot temperatures to lift my spirits, but NO, and now it's September and it's cold.

I started the month saying LITERALLY THIS and it has got no better.

Grump.

 

As part of my MA I am thinking a lot about train travel (and train tickets) and have found myself growing increasingly bitter about my continued relative isolation and lack of travel. Don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not totally locked away, but my continuing intense fear of long-COVID and the impact it could have on my life/financial situation keeps me sufficiently scared to avoid most 'high risk' situations. (Though goodness knows I could just as easily get it while out having dinner with a friend at their house, so I should probably either say 'fuck it' and do whatever I want or PROPERLY isolate, but for whatever reason, neither seem like appealing options...)

As an attempt to get some 'enrichment' in my life, I offered to help out a nice family who I see at the park in looking after their beautiful border collie Ozzy while they go on hols. Me and Charlie used to see Ozzy often when he was a puppy, and now he's a squidgy 18 month old with bundles of energy. I think it was definitely a good exercise because it has successfully convinced my grief addled brain that maybe another border collie is NOT such a good idea (or at least not until a point much later in my life where I have much more time to give to one). He's a very sweet boi tho, and we had some fun ball time. (I'm still really bad at drawing dogs!)

I think I mentioned in my last blog — I twisted my ankle while out on one of my London to Brighton walks, and because I totally failed to rest it, it didn't reeeeally get better (As of writing at the end of the month it's STILL a touch swollen and doesn't like being bent in a particular direction that it could definitely bend before... Have I fucked it forever?!) Anyway I hobbled round the house a lot with a very sad face.

My partner had their second dose of the COVID vaccine! Much like me, they felt it.

My friend was hosting a garden party, but then (bloody weather) it was potentially going to be rained off, so she said it would be indoors instead. I nearly wimped out and didn't go, because I didn't wanna do an indoor gathering with that many people, but at the last minute, with the weather looking a little clearer, I decided to toughen up and go, and in the event, I got to hang out in her garden the whole time just about avoiding the showers, AND I got to meet her dog and make some new friends. YAY!

And then, (ankle still a little wobbly), it was time for walk 11 of 12 — Burgess Hill to Hassocks, with Zoe and her partner Dan who came along for the ride. IT RAINED THE ENTIRE TIME :( :( :(

At the end of our walk, Zoe suggested we stop in at a small pet shop in Hassocks. She promised me it was a treat. With over 37 cats wandering the space (according to google reviews, I guess I saw 20 – 25), it really was, in a slightly surreal way. (I wanted to do a visual diary about it because I was still thinking about it the next day! I don't think I've ever seen that many cats in one place, and they all seemed so happy!)

Had my first meal out since March 2020!! Me and George went up to Islington. We were going to go to the hot new vegan Chinese spot 'Tofu', but it was fully booked, so we stumbled across nearby Nem Nem with Vietnamese small plates, and it was GREAT. I was happy because we sat right by the open door, so it felt nice and safe.

My partner's friend came over and we introduced him to Carcassone, which he boldly declared 'the perfect game'. (I am pleased about this because I love Carcassone, while my partner really isn't a fan)

Feeling like I kinda want a haircut? But all the haircuts I've had since I had long hair have been really medicore? Ugh

Found a guy, paid a lot, got a competant but uninspiring haircut. Don't get me wrong, he did a good job, but I think I'm just not sure what I WANT?! Like I kind of wanna look queerer, but short haircuts don't really suit my face (I don't think?!) and maybe I'm too scared to like, go asymmetrical or something? Also I'm a bit committed to fringe and maybe that's holding me back?! Sigh. Anyway it's fine, I look cute, I just hoped it would be like 'WOW' but it kind of isn't.

I've recently reconnected with my friend Daisy, who I went to uni with 10 years ago. She sort of fell off my radar, but maybe 2 or 3 years ago I stumbled across her on Instagram and discovered she's now a FOOD INFLUENCER (you can find her @brunchlunchlondon)... I followed her and really liked her content, and she followed back and we started occasionally chatting again. Anyway, she knows I'm vegan so she invited me along with her to one of her many brunch/lunch engagements (at a certain point of influencer fame they just like, invite you and give you free food?!)

Anyway, it was weird to see her again IRL for the first time in a decade... Weird because she was basically exactly the same as I remembered her! (She said the same about me, so either we're both being polite or we've both aged incredibly well, I think the latter tbh!)

The place we went was called 'Bad Vegan' and their whole 'thing' is that they also serve a bit of meat, which frankly is some bullshit, though I did not tell the host this. He said they've had some problems with the name because meat eaters don't wanna go to a place with 'vegan' in the name, and vegans don't like that a place with vegan in the name serves meat (um, yes, hello).... But their idea is to normalise places having a menu which is like 90% vegan with just one or two optional meat add ons (rather than vice versa, the current norm). While I can get behind this, I don't think they should market themselves as vegan! Both me and Daisy have been to LA, and we remembered that so often there, everything on the menu will be vegan and then you can pay a few extra $ to add chicken, beef or whatever. This is great, especially as a lot of these restaurants don't specifcially market themselves as vegan, they're just like... any old place, but they're in LA, where a much more significant chunk of people are vegan, so it makes sense.

Anyway, the food was FINE. The guy was boasting about it being backed up by a Michelan Star Chef or something, but it really wasn't that much better than a lot of other vegan fast food spots I've been to. He was like 'you know, we want to really ELEVATE vegan junk food' and I'm like, mate, have you been to Temple of Seitan? Neat Burger? Biffs? Mercy Burger? Like, these are all vegan places making really delicious vegan junk food with nuanced flavours and good ingredients, you're gonna need more than that. Also their main thing was a potato rosti in a wrap, which is like... Carb on carb fest? Nobody needs that. Slaw was good though. Anyway there's my review and this is probably why I'm not an influencer.

Final London to Brighton walk! Hassocks to Brighton with James, up and over the South Downs! This was the longest of all of them at around 13 miles, and I definitely felt it, but it was a fun time. Now I have to actually go and uh, make something cool out of all this research... (Oh, and complete walk 9/12 which got cancelled for COVID related reasons!)

We had a friend over for dinner and got really over excited and tried to do sushi and a long boardgame which was maybe TOO MUCH but hopefully fun!

Alongside all of this, working a LOT. Freelancing is stressful when everyone wants everything all at once. Also feeling stressed because I've basically had to put my MA work down entirely for a few weeks (with the exception of my walks and attempting to write my critical context paper — the big essay), so feeling a bit behind and strung out with everything.

Finally got myself a pair of Lucy and Yak jeans, after getting to try them on in the Brighton shop after my last walk! Feels like I'm constantly seeing women on the street wearing either these jeans or their great dungarees, so I feel like I'm maybe hopping on a trend here, but they're SO COMFORTABLE and SO CUTE. (I got them in black and took the big brand label off because apparently that's how I roll)

My partner got a cold, which was VERY STRESSFUL when I was supposed to be going on holiday in three days time. Is it COVID?! Do we all have to quarantine?! (I mean technically not any more as everyone in the house is vaccinated, but there's no way I'd go visit friends if I knew my partner had it). So anxiously waiting for the results of a PCR to find out whether my desperately needed holiday was going to get CANCELLED

I wasn't actually travelling until Monday but I'd tried to carve out an entire week, and actually have the weekends off (Which I never normally do). Funny though, it's actually quite hard to relax when there are still things to do.

Spent the next day flailing wildly on domestic tasks while still awaiting the results of the PCR and worrying I wouldn't be able to travel. (Luckily, IT CAME BACK NEGATIVE!)

(I also somehow totally managed to avoid getting the cold myself!)

Arguably the main purpose of my holiday was to FINALLY scatter Charlie's ashes, which has been weighing on me heavily ever since I got them last year. I had asked my ex whether she wanted to join me and she wasn't sure (she hates me, but loves Charlie), so I told her if she didn't want to come, she could have half the ashes to scatter herself. Not wanting to awkwardly do this splitting on her front doorstep, I went out to a quiet, woodland corner of Battersea Park to divide them up the day before, safe in the knowledge that if I spilt any, they would still be being scattered in one of Charlie's favourite places (not for example, down my sink or on my kitchen floor). Had a big cry by myself in the woods because I still miss him so much. 

The next day I got the train up to Leeds, and then on from Leeds to Hebden Bridge. I did not relish being back there in the slightest, even though, ironically for the place which I left because it was always raining, it was a gloriously sunny day. My ex did decide to join me, and mostly managed to be a supportive scattering companion. I had expected to cry a LOT, as we walked along our old walking route and scattered them by the sides of the path, but somehow having her there did help, so I appreciate the small kindness she was able to show me in doing that.

I was feeling pretty burnt out of everything before I left, including my visual diaries, so I decided to, for the first time ever, NOT take my book, or any pens, and instead take my ipad and have a DIGITAL VISUAL DIARY HOLIDAY! And you know what, I really enjoyed it. Over the next 24 hours worked away at this labour of love — based on a photograph I took from the highest point where Charlie's ashes were scattered, looking down across the valley. A fun test for my digital painting and felt like a fitting tribute to remember where he'll be now, forever. 

My sweet boy.

After scattering his ashes, I hotfooted it out of Hebden Bridge pretty much immediately (only stopping in briefly on an old neighbour to say hello and have a consolatory cuddle with her aging border collie). I got straight on a train to York after that, and went to stay with my old housemate Justin and his partner Dav, who are probably some of my ultimate BFFs, the people I text most often and tell all my cool (and bad) stuff first. 

The next day, Justin was busy working, but Dav gave me a little York tour (I got some more exciting new black trousers!), we had a delicious bao lunch, and then in the afternoon we went to visit their allotment. This was extremely exciting, as Dav has been doing INCREDIBLE allotment and garden things over the last year, and it had been a great sadness to me not to have felt able to visit sooner. A very lovely day. (And another digital visual diary!)

The next day, the three of us got the train from York to Scarborough! I am a big fan of faded seaside resorts, and was delighted to walk miles along the coast and get to ride on TWO funiculars. We all got very tired and ate too much. (Another digital diary, which enables me to easily sketch over photos. Feels a bit like cheating, but... I'm on holiday?!)

I got the train back to London the next day, but not before getting some fancy new shoes, a manicure, and a delicious Japanese lunch with Dav. (A spendy holiday apparently 😅) (And last digital visual diary, not that you'd even neccesarily know)

I wish I could have stayed longer, but still, just having this short break for a few days left me feeling wonderfully rested.

On the Saturday (STILL ON HOLIDAY EMMA, DON'T WORK!) my friend Sarah took me to the Yayoi Kusama exhibition at Tate Modern. There's this one iconic exhibit that everyone is photographed inside, but the rest felt a bit, I dunno, half-arsed, on the curation front. Still, it was lovely to be back in Tate Modern for the first time in a very long time.

After not making any progress on my MA work for a long time, I made a SMALL amount of progress, but enough to make me feel a bit more like I'm getting somewhere.

Through all the stress and turmoil, at least I have... BALL SORT PUZZLE (it's a really ugly iphone game that is somehow relentlessly soothing)

I put on like a stone and a half from when I moved to London in September 2019 and then throughout lockdown. Not climbing those Yorkshire hills'll do that to you. For the last two or three months I'd been making a really concerted effort to eat more healthily, but I've utterly failed over the last couple of weeks and slid back into all my worst habits. I've basically promised myself that I'll focus on my (mental and physical) health once my MA is over in Jan 2022, but I guess I probably shouldn't entirely ignore that side of things until then. [Goes away to bake a big batch of cookies for her housemate's birthday]

And suddenly... Autumn?!

July 2021

Well, July began in a flurry of activity in preparation for my MA work in progress show (the MA doesn't finish until December and there will be a final show then, which I hope will be one I can invite you all to). Given the current COVID situation, this show took a hybrid online/IRL approach, but the IRL bit of the show was only open for a day, and only to other UAL students. Kind of a shame, and though you'd have hoped that the silver lining to that would be a reduced sense of pressure... I still felt A LOT OF PRESSURE. Here's a rough sketch from when we were planning out our space.

 Before my Friday evening Samaritans shifts I treat myself to a Wagamama for sustenance, and the Wagamama near the centre have launched a whole load of new vegan dishes (which I don't think are out more widely yet). I want to try them all but somehow every time I just end up ordering the 'No duck donburi' because it is perfection. I really hope they roll it out more widely!

Hard not to feel like I should have done more for the exhibition, but realistically I couldn't have done, given the other workload I've had alongside it. (This visual diary is me imagining all the formats I haven't actually explored, but as it notes, at least I have... some rocks?!)

Went through a phase earlier in the month where I was READING HARD in every moment of my free time, which was useful I guess. Since I was about 16 I've always said that Catch-22 is my favourite book ever, and nothing else subsequently had been good enough for me to make that claim, but then by pure fluke I read '253' by Geoff Ryman and 'Invisible Cities' by Italo Calvino in one week, both of which would be contenders for that title! So that was nice.

In advance of our exhibition we had to do a big presentation (you can see mine here if you're interested) and I was very stressed about it, but... it went well?!!?

I love that dog. She doesn't have to worry about any of this nonsense.

The title of the show was 'What is out of doors', and you can read about my exhibit here. The team who put the show on had a lot of fun with this weird handheld printer that they have at the college, printing long strings on text onto old receipt paper and draping them all over the place. I stole a little bit and stuck it here...

And then immediately after that flurry of activity was another, of sorts. My last day at Kings, after 10 and a half years. What a strange ending.

(Though for what it's worth within two weeks my old boss had written to me asking me to freelance, so you know, not really an ending, more like 'a continuation, where Emma gets paid better' :)

My MA fieldwork walks continue apace, as George and I walked from Horley to Three Bridges, via Gatwick airport. I know I shouldn't have favourites but... This one might have been my fav. So weird. So fun. You can read about it here, if you want.

Last Stars Wars! Nothing liking finishing on a low, eh!

In preparation for a freelance project I can't talk about yet, I spent a lot of money on digital watercolour brush sets for the ipad (they're very good and well worth it). They've bought me WAY more joy than watercolouring in real life ever has, very happy to be continuing my fun journey of digital drawing.

WENT TO IKEA!!!! This was a big deal for me, because it was my first day out/off in MONTHS. (not including my research walks, which I guess do count as days out/off, but are also very much work) Also I've never been to ikea before! (Well apparently I went as a child but I have no recollection). I've been trying to get hold of a particular cabinet for ages, but it kept selling out and would never let me order it online for delivery, so I persueded my partner to sign up for Zipcar so that we could go get it as soon as I got the restock ping. So the moment I got the email we dropped everything (luckily it was on a day when we both could!) and drove down to Croydon. But when they found out I'd never had the Ikea experience before they said we should absolutely do the whole tour and have (vegan) meatballs, so we did, and it was GREAT, but by the time we got down to the warehouse (less than 4 hours since I had the email), Kolbjörn was GONE!! Livid tbh.

But I did manage to get half of it, and maybe because I got in right after it sold out, I WAS able to order it online. All in all a lot of hassle I guess, but I did have a really nice time and kind of wanna go back again...

Next walk with Jade from Three Bridges to Balcombe was glorious, probably the most scenic/rural so far.

Had a course picnic in Hyde Park which was my first time seeing all my coursemates in one place. Kinda nice, kinda weird! I've forgotten how to be a person!

Finally got my fuckin' KOLBJÖRN!!!

My housemate Tabitha had a beautician booked to come over and give her a facial as a special treat, but then she got the self-isolation ping and had to reschedule, so to cheer her up (kinda) we all did facemasks and watched TV together. Facemasks are silly. 

Wrestling with the twin emotions of 'This weather is really scarily hot and the world is irrevocably damaged and changing' and 'I like it'

My partner however, does not like it. Sucks to have a July birthday I guess!

My birthday gift to them was a trip to RHS Wisley, a beautiful garden just outside the M25 (we used the Zipcar again before cancelling the subscription!) and I bought them a few plants of their choosing. Wisley was REALLY good, even better than Kew IMO, and I wish we'd had more time to spend there (couldn't leave the dog at home too long, and I had work to get back to). Here's the gorgeous big hot house there.

The weather was still sweltering (good), so I took Chase to see if she'd like a swim in the pond at the park and she ABSOLUTELY did and had one of the best times I've ever seen her have with all the other dogs there.

 Too hot, but I like it :)

Some days I really am not very good at this job.

I was supposed to be doing the next of my London to Brighton walks this weekend (Balcombe to Haywards Heath) but one of my guests' partners got COVID so we've had to reschedule. I took advantage of the unexpected free day to go see an exhibition I'd wanted to check out at the Barbican, and as luck would have it, their conservatory was open as well, which was amazing, as I'd never got to go in before. And on my way home I went to a drop in and got my second COVID jab, dosed up baby, yeah!!

The next day I felt AWFUL though, banging headache throughout the day, and aches and pains all over. I'd planned to stop numbering these visual diaries after my second vaccine, as I'd assumed that would be as valid a moment as any to declare COVID 'over'... But given the limited (though still very worthwhile) efficiancy of the vaccines, the growing spread of the delta variant, and the potential of further large scale outbreaks... I dunno. It's not over yet, is it. 483 days in.

A few months before Charlie died, we met an adorable puppy border collie in the park called Ozzy. His owner was a lovely lady who was obviously doing her best but also a little overwhelmed (who wouldn't be!) She loved Charlie and expressed her hope that one day Ozzy would grow up to be such a good boy. We saw each other a few more times before Charlie died, every time Ozzy getting bigger and more boisterous. And then after that, I never saw her again. I wasn't in the park as much, even after getting Chase, so I fell out of touch with all the regular dog walkers I'd nod at. 

But before I got Chase I signed up for Borrow My Doggy, because I was so desperately missing having dogs in my life, and I saw her and Ozzy on there. I sent her a message telling her what had happened and letting her know that if she ever wanted help with Ozzy I'd love to help out. She got back in touch and we agreed to meet but then kept putting it off because of various COVID situations.

Until finally! Today! We went and met, and Ozzy has grown into such a big and beautiful (and incredibly well behaved) 18 month old. He's a quintessential border collie (more so than Charlie ever was!) herding his humans and with eyes for absoutely no one apart from them. It was so lovely to see him again, and to talk to his owners, who were so kind about my Charlie grief, and expressed how much it had meant to them, as I was the first person they met when they were out with Ozzy as a puppy, and I was so kind and supportive. Awww. Hopefully we'll stay in touch and have more dog hangouts — Chase and Ozzy seemed to like each other, in a chill kind of way!

Just like... the song... [passes out]

Having a real flurry with freelance work at the moment, which is good, because obviously I've jsut made the leap to full time freelance, so it's quite heartening to have comfortably made ends meet in this my first month. However freelancing ebbs and flows, and especially as I get myself more estbalished it feels very hard to say no to anything, so I have had to let MA work slide since the exhibition to keep up with paid work. It's a tough juggling act that I hope I can get right until the end of the year, to both do my MA justice, and continue to make rent each month and build up a comfortable freelance client base! 

I like the weird fizzy pop.

After missing walk 9, jumped on to walk 10 — Haywards Heath to Burgess Hill. This was a lovely one for the most part, accompanied by Jonathan, who I had invited along for his audio expertise, so we made lots of field recordings along the route, and had an incredible picnic to which Jonathan bought some absolutely wild vegan smoked 'salmon' carrots. However, I also fell over and quite badly sprained my ankle quite early on in the walk, but because I'm an idiot, insisted on continuing. I dunno, it didn't FEEL that bad for another couple of hours, but by the time I was on the train home it was pretty awful, and I was very upset because I had big plans the next day...

Big plans in the shape of my Kings leaving do! However I dug out my old Yorkshire walking stick and mostly managed to hobble around the bits of Brighton I needed to hobble around. It was a strange sort of feeling really, because it didn't feel like goodbye. It felt more like I was attending one of the many christmas dos, summer parties, or other Kings events I've gone to over the last 10 years. It was very easy to forget that it was the end. (Though as aforementioned, if they keep giving me freelance work, it kind of isn't?! So that's nice because I really like all these people.)

Ozzy and his owner Antonina came over for coffee, and I realised that Charlie had very nearly pulled off the most cunning trick of all and convinced me that border collies were easy dogs. Border collies are not easy dogs. Charlie was one of a kind. Ozzy really brings that 'big border collie energy' of crashing around and twitching and yelling and sniffing and eating and yelling some more and being over there, and then up there, and then where's he gone now, and you know what, I love him. (But am glad I have such a chill girl of my own, who put up with his bullshit with surprisingly good grace)

So July is done, and into August, with a slight limp and a bit too much to do, but here's hoping for some more sunshine soon to get me through.