Well, 2024 hasn't got off to the best start, if I'm honest. A sad and difficult month.
It started off cute! Me and my partner took Barley to Crystal Palace Park on the train (he didn't like the train but most dogs don't, first time). We also did lots of garden work (I love having a garden of my own!!) and had a nice lunch out.
Took Barl to the vet. He was good at the vet. He could be good.
Still clinging on to Christmas Break, took myself over to Tate Modern for a look at the free bits, including Bob and Roberta Smith's brilliant Thamesmead Codex, which I'd been wanting to see for a while.
The toilet blocked! Again! I called out another drain unblocking guy who explained the incredibly annoying problem, which is: since we got a new toilet, with a new (legally mandated) water saving tank, the toilet does not have enough water in it to propel the sewage to the main sewer. So over the days, it just sort of, backs up in the pipe. Great. His answer to the problem? "Flush twice every time". Really great water saving there. Brill. Super.
(Two weeks later, the toilet blocked again, despite all our best double flushing, toilet paper reducing efforts. This time I just got a long stick and dislodged all the built up shit and paper into the main drain myself, and I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DO THAT EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS, SURE, FINE, I SPENT LITERALLY ALL OF MINE AND MY PARENTS MONEY FOR A HOUSE WITH PLUMBING THAT NEARLY WORKS)
Saw one of my oldest friends Sarah (from school in North Wales) for the first time in several years. Feels particularly weird to be 35 when you see someone who you mostly think of being around 13 years old with...
Long awaited sofa arrived! DELIGHTED to have a sofa again
I am enjoying my PG Cert (teaching qualification) so far. It started in Jan, and I had reading to do in advance of the first session. Enjoyed thinking a bit about why I draw (while litterpicking my litter filled front garden)
And then it got bad. On the 7th, as I was walking to my bed, Barley launched himself out of his own bed, and cornered me, barking agressively and going to bite my arm. It was extremely scary (he is large with a big crocodile mouth), and really shook me up. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed it might be sleep startle. But then the exact same thing happened the next night, and he was DEFINITELY awake. This wasn't just warning barks, or play barks, this was full 'fuck, I am going to get bitten' terror.
I'd been ready for lots of things (greyhounds notoriously suffer from anxiety in many cases, they often have a very strong chase drive, and struggle to learn house training etc), but I had not really prepared myself for the prospect of a (sporadically) aggressive dog. A lot of the time he was a real cuddle bug, and an absolute sweetheart, but occasionally he decided that I was the enemy and needed to be attacked/threatened, and... I couldn't deal with it.
I still missed Chase, and hadn't yet bonded with him (though we were getting there, I thought), so these attacks totally shook me up.
I sought advice from a range of different sources, and followed it, including shutting him out of the bedroom at night, laying down the law with him in more different settings, muzzling him in the evenings, and generally trying to do more with him, so he'd warm to me (less easy given how scared of him I now was)
Beth and Angus came over and we played Noli!
A slight understatement. Very miserable. Barley growled at me as I walked past his bed again, and I realised just how frightened I now was of him. This was compounded by the fact that Spen felt absolutely the opposite and had nothing but love for Barl, so I really felt like I was the problem. I couldn't relax around the house at all, so was a) constantly on edge, but b) felt like I was probably just being stupid, and a terrible rescue dog adopter for caving so badly at the first challenge
It didn't help that Barl had his first day at doggy daycare and absolutely aced it, being the perfect social goodboi who everyone loved and got along with all the other dogs. He's a good boy?! I am being stupid?! It will be fine?! But I am so scared?!
Enjoyed the first full day workshop on my PGCert, where we learned about the history of British higher education with colourful pieces of paper. (The fun thing about doing a course about teaching is that the teaching on it kind of has to be REALLY GOOD)
Went to see a contemporary dance piece called 'Super Normal Extra Natural' at a slightly bleak (but kind of amazing) old shopping mall in Croydon. I am REALLY enjoying living in Croydon so far, I feel more attached to the area in just a couple of months than I maybe ever did to Battersea.
My partner had asked if I wanted to send Barley back. I didn't. But I also knew I wasn't coping. The only times I felt okay were when I wasn't at home. I was constantly tense around the house. I wasn't helped by a coincidental visit from one of my partner's friends who's a vet who said, unequivocally, that we should return him (she even said he should be put to sleep, but that seemed extreme even to me). She basically framed it as 'You can take a chance. And you might have a good pet. Or you might get severely mauled. There are other good pets out there that don't come with that level of risk'. And I couldn't shake it. I said he had a final strike, and then, he went for me again. So that was it. He needs to go back. I feel shit in every direction. I've hurt my partner, I'm hurting Barl, I'm grieving for the loss of yet another dog (and still the last one, and the one before), and I'm a failure, I'm a bad dog owner, I'm guilty. Oh Barl, I wish it had worked. I really do.
Cheering myself up with new GLADIATORS though, incredible
My partner, despite accepting my request for Barley to go back, and understanding it, was really quite profoundly unhappy about it. Barl couldn't go back until Fri, so I had to spend even longer feeling both scared AND guilty.
Barl didn't help by, much of the time, being incredibly cute and sweet (BUT ALSO, on this day, while asleep next to me on the sofa during the day, woke suddenly and ACTUALLY BIT ME on my arm, which, had I not already passed the final straw, really would have been the final straw. Luckily I was wearing a million winter layers, so it didn't break the skin)
Back at uni, my UX students needed to hand in their first project I'd led them on. The tension! Will they all submit on time!? WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS (me and my co-tutor Patrick watching the count slowly tick up before the deadline)
Oh Barl. This drawing was based on a photo of him taken at daycare the day before, frolicking in the sun. My partner drove him back to his kennels, and he was delighted to be back with his old friends. He didn't look back as my partner left him. He'll be okay. I felt less sure about us.
Took myself on my second to last Capital Ring walk to cheer myself up. A long walk somewhere new always cheers me.
Oh but I'm STILL SAD! Another long walk somewhere new, to glamourously named PENGE. Had a burger and got some charity shop bargains.
Emma can have a little treat
We were sad (we still are sad). My partner works so hard around the house and it's one of the many things I love about them. Felt really rough to have actively contributed to making our home less homely, with the absence of dog. I miss Chase so so much, every single day. I wish she'd made it here with us. I bought this house with her in mind. Ground floor for her tired old legs. Lovely big garden for gentle zooms. All on the same floor. My perfect girl.
We can't get another dog right away. In the midst of this shitty month we found out that we have to rewire! VERY SOON, to avoid like, dying in an electrical fire or something. Rewiring involves a huge amount of dust, stress and upheaval (and MONEY lolsob), and it wouldn't be fair to welcome a new dog then immediately do that. Doesn't mean I'm not looking though.
What about sweet Hope the Collie? Could Mr Chips be the one? A Borzoi?! You never see them on rehoming sites?! Or maybe a smol friend would be more my speed?
I don't want another greyhound (for now/ever?), and I think I do want a smaller dog, but my partner still wants something quite big. I still love Collies but would I forever be comparing them to Charlie? I also love a mongrel but most of them are Romanian street dogs who can be such unknown quantities...
I was still sad so I went to the big Croydon trampoline place on a weekday afternoon. But the trampolines were for children and didn't have enough bounce :( I did find an amazing Asian supermarket though, which was good.
Need to get a new passport this year, so being organised and doing it early. Spent £10 on this terrible photo (they're always terrible)
Very excited for my friend George, as she finally launches her book SYSTEMS ULTRA! Had a nice time going to the launch event at the design museum, and then pub with lots of familiar faces.
The terrible photo that cost me £10 wasn't acceptable to the government website, even though the booth said it was right! So I took my own, slightly less bad one. (I also treated myself to some new Procreate brushes to cheer myself up — but nothing is cheering me up, lol)
You know things are bad when it's blank stare eating crackers and mayonnaise at the kitchen counter time
It's activities week at UAL, so I delivered my visual diaries workshop again. It was very cute and the students did lots of lovely drawings and shared lots of fun ideas. I first learned about visual diarying when I was an undergrad and attended a short course about it, so I like to try and pass it on.
We are lucky enough to have a front garden AND a back garden. The back garden is where the real potential lies, but in some ways the front garden needs the most attention. The freehold lease annoyingly states it must be 'maintained as a lawn' (Such a shame — it's massive! Something like 8 x 15 metres!), but we kind of have to go along with it. We are going to be a little cheeky and have some plants directly under our windows, and at the very far end by the street. The previous tenants of the house let get far end of the garden get totally overgrown though, so at the moment it's mostly a mass of brambles. I am quite enjoying hacking away at them, actually. I am trying to take half an hour or an hour out of my work day every day to make some small progress through the morass.
Onwards into February, which has in store probably some ongoing amount of sadness, and a complete fucking rewire of the house, TERRIBLE (yes yes yes homeowner privilege fine)
Also tomorrow is hourly comics day, which I have actually remembered ahead of time this year...
