October 2024

Well, if my summer was marred by poor mental health, my autumn has thus far been marred by poor physical health. Very much hoping to be doing better soon...

 

 

Historically, autumn has been a gloomy time, but I actually quite enjoy meeting each new year's batch of students and gesticulating excitedly at them about how EXCITING it is to be a new student (because, it is?)

 

At the moment it feels like life is all tasks. But long time readers of the visual diary will know that my life is always all tasks... Is this the life I have built for myself!? Is this everyone's life?! The trouble is, the only tasks that feel optional are usually the fun ones (like visual diary!)

A bad drawing of my park in the setting sun. I tried the grass about four different ways and couldn't get it right, so I gave up. I like the sky though. The main thing that made me draw this was I loved the way the dandelion seedheads were glowing in the setting sun.

I was really smug about getting the COVID and flu vaccines for free, that was until they DESTROYED ME. (And we all know the worst feeling is just wanting to sleep but being haunted by the duolingo owl)

After being wiped out for a day and a half, I still wasn't feeling great, but forced myself out to go see the model food exhibition at Japan House with my partner, and we loved it.

But I still felt like shit! None of the other vaccines knocked me out this long! Miserable!

No rest when you've got a dog though. (I've walked Charlie across the Yorkshire moors in the pouring rain while sicker than this, I can cope)

I was really excited to embrace red lipstick this year but after a few weeks I just can't decide if I like it. Also the maintenance is extremely tedious. Hm.

I save a LOT of recipes on instagram so I've been making a point of actually going back and cooking some of them. This one was quite a lot of work but as a (former) filet-o-fish fan I loved it.

I also adore lovingly drawing delicious food, so here is a passionate tribute to the absolute best lunch you can get in London for under a tenner (possibly for any money) —the cauliflower and tofu bowl from Pochi in Borough market. I could eat this every single day.

Still feeling like shit?! Getting increasingly anxious because my main symptoms were/are severe fatigue and all over body aches/stiffness. Like, every time I stand up from being sat down for a while at the moment it takes a few steps for my legs to be able to fully straighten. I feel like I've suddenly aged about 20 years overnight?! And all since I got that bloody covid vaccine? (Don't get me wrong, you should still get vaccinated if you can! But it has not treated me well and I am a bit frightened about whether this is going to be forever now)

Had a nice outing round Croydon with my former colleague honor to see some art (and think about trams)

Yes I went to see the play about the guy who designed the tube map, yes I loved it (thanks to Vicky for inviting me!)

The park is her buffet. (Having previously had very stable guts she has had terrible poops twice this month!)

On my good-packed-lunch game

I walk SO MUCH around just one park with Jessie, and I'm such a people watcher, that I feel like I know every single person who goes there regularly. The sad thing is, because Jessie is such a dickhead we have to keep our distance from everyone, which is a shame, as most of the other dog walkers seem to have a cute little gang that I wish I was part of :(

Until this week now I REALLY am sick, I had been persisting with the couch to 5k, I got to the point where I could run for 25 mins without stopping. But while all of my progress thus far (including getting up to the 25 minute marker) had felt easy, suddenly my entire body is protesting with every stride. Is it the running that's causing my all over body aches, or do I have unrelated all over body aches which are making my running horrible?! I hope I feel able to pick it up again soon because I was quite enjoying it until it became nothing but suffering

 Luckily the aches and pains have (mostly) not stopped my persistent stomping — a nice 8 miles or so round the outer edges of Heathrow with pal Jay, continuing the London Loop.

Love 2 think about festive imagery in October (no really I actually kinda do)

My partner has been getting really excited about cooking Indian food, I for one am not complaining.

Therapy is in bougie Crystal Palace which means I spend a lot of my walk there thinking about weird other lives I could live based on the high street shops (pottery club, pole dancing studio, milliner, exotic animals)

CAUTIONARY TALE!!! I started noticing my coats had a lot of what I thought was dust or dandruff on them, so ignored it for a while, until I realised the dust was ALIVE. I automatically assumed moth larvae, so duly ordered some parasitic wasps. But... I don't think they ARE moth larvae?! Because after cleaning all my coats and tidying the entire area, I traced them to their source — I carry a rucksack with me whenever I walk the dog that has a few essentials in (water, poo bags, pepper spray, keys, bit of money etc). I'd also stashed some treats in the bottom of the bag in case of a goodie emergency — I'd thought they were shelf stable but they'd actually totally rotted and were covered in horrible mould from which all the little guys were emanating (I drew larvae here but actually they're more like TINY white beetles). I then made the crucial mistake of putting the mouldy bag in the bin and not immediately emptying the bin. Within 24h every surface of my bin was CRAWLING with THOUSANDS of the bugs, I swear it was like something out of a horror movie. After a bit more research I established that they're more likely to be mould mites which means that unlike moth larvae, they seem to die after just a 30-40 degree wash (moth larvae need 60 degrees or freezing). I took all my coats outside and waited until they were bug free for a couple of days before returning them to the house. I took the bin in the garden and repeatedly bleached it day after day until the mites stopped emerging. In theory this is dealt with BUT my wheelie bin is perhaps forever doomed (because I then put the infected trash in there like an idiot, when I should clearly have like, incinerated it or something)

Anyway, tl;dr, mould mites are gross and bad, don't be remiss like me, if you find them, deal with them right away

Had to come home from work early due to intense fatigue, aches and sharp sore throat. But then it didn't really materialise into a fully fledged cold?! I hate this!!

 She patiently waits

BATTLE CONTINUES

Maybe if I could sleep for a couple of extra hours every night my problems would be solved?!

My partner's friend Arpit unexpectedly invited us to their huge diwali dinner, perhaps because of their current aforementioned interest in making Indian food. It was INCREDIBLE and I bought home an entire tupperware of idli for lunch the next day.

At Quaker church on Sunday someone talked very articulately about freedom vs responsibility and how the two play out and intersect in a life well lived. He said it more articulately than I can, but I tried to diagram it...

 Got some great spooky eyes nails for halloween

Having spent most of the month feeling a bit ill, I am now FULLY ILL!!! (With terrible sore throat, snot, classic cold, negative covid tests) Hoping this gets it out of my system because frankly I have a lot to do. Ugh. Onwards to a maybe feel-better November?!

September 2024

September hasn't been quite the stressful month I anticipated, mostly because teaching didn't actually commence (I start delivering lessons tomorrow). I swear it started a week earlier last year?! So rather than the sudden deluge of work after my leisurely summer it's felt more like a slow build up, which is good. 

Emotionally I've been kind of all over the place — I am profoundly amused by why. Since I was 15 I've been taking the same contraceptive pill (predominantly to ease terrible periods which kicked in during my mid teens). That's over 20 years! After my miserable summer, I decided to see what would happen if I simply,stopped (having heard the mounting body of evidence that various pills can cause depressive symptoms, especially in the long run). I wouldn't say it's improved my mood, so much as, destabilised it?! Maybe I have felt peppier this month but I've also definitely felt SAD, ANXIOUS, MANIC, ROMANTIC, and ANGRY with maybe more intensity than at any point since my teens? So on balance maybe I will just go right back on it, sob

Here are some of my favourite Borough Market goodies (I love Borough)

After a couple of very quiet months, all the freelance work all at once. Good to be back, to be honest.

After aforementioned miserable summer, in addition to my experiments with the pill and other general self-improvement endeavours, I decided to splash the cash on some therapy for as long as I can afford to. My previous goes at therapy have all been fairly unhelpful... I decided to mix it up this time by opting for a man my age, rather than all previous times which were women my mother's age. I certainly vibe with him more than any previous therapists, but remains to see if it will help me much overall. It is good to come to a slightly clearer understanding of some of my contradictions and sillinesses.

This one is mostly for other dog owners — if you don't already have a 'licky mat' for your dog, get one, licking is a very calming exercise for them and I've yet to meet a dog who doesn't love it. If you HAVE got one, get the 'yoggie pot', which is basically a licky mat in pot form, and what we now give Jessie her wet food dinner out of. It slows her down a tiny bit and makes her work for it (and doesn't stink to high heaven like the kong)

Went to York to see my fav boys!

 

We went into Leeds for the day, to Leeds Art Gallery (amongst other things). We all got very tired, but it was fun (and nice to be back in Leeds again briefly!)

 

Justin had to work, but Dav took me to Goddards (home of the Terry family of Terry's chocolate orange fame). A very lovely garden and Dav humoured me by letting me point at every plant in the vegetable garden and try to identify it, like a small child :)

Then on my last day in York, me and Dav walked the entire way around the walls, which neither of us had ever done before, and had delicious lunch at my fav Japanese place. I was very glad to be able to make this trip, as it was postponed last month when I sprained my ankle.

In other 'self improvement' news, EMMA HAS BEEN RUNNING. Long time blog readers may remember that when I lived in Hebden Bridge I was a super hot babe, and while some of that was down to intense hours of daily hill walking with Charlie, some of it was also thanks to running (at my peak I could do 10k, though never had any desire to do any more). I stopped running during COVID because I never truly enjoyed it, but it was one of the exercise varieties I've had most success with (that and walking/hiking), so I figured it might be good to start again. I am perpetually astonished that — for me at least — the couch to 5k does work. I am possibly the most unfit I've ever been (thanks to my terrible lungs), but if I simply do the runs, slow and steady, and don't miss any, as the program dictates, I CAN run 30 mins after 9 weeks, when during the first week I would struggle to run 1 minute.

Therapy! It's, fun?

Autumn came on real fast and for once, I am kind of pleased about it?! Not sure why but I guess I am ready to be cosy and cold. Maybe it is simply the fact that I now own a heated throw (I'm not even joking)

Went to see 'Come as you really are', the incredible art exhibiton in an old abandoned department store in Croydon made up of hundreds of random people's strange collections. It is SO GOOD and FREE (and ends Oct 20th, go go go!)

Walking out of a late night Samaritans street into chilly autumnal deserted central London streets. I love this city and am always glad for a reason to go into the middle of it. 

Spent way too much money at the amazing Pagemasters zine fair (at South London Gallery which is LOVELY and I must go more often)

My partner got some weird shaped pears which I enjoyed drawing

Life with Jessie has got somewhat easier, I think in part simply as she has settled into her routine of living here, but the doggy Prozac has DEFINITELY helped. She is now a lot calmer and barks at noises outside the house way less. She'll still never be the dog I'd perhaps wanted, but she has become much more tolerable to live with, which is a relief.

One thing that had been proving stressful was that she would NOT let us touch her precious feet, let alone clip her claws. Because of the fact that we walk her in out of the way places to avoid all people and other dogs, she's mostly on grass, so her claws don't get worn down.  They were getting perilously long, and after countless attempts to cut them ourselves (which mostly resulted in her wriggling and screaming then hiding and sulking for hours without us even managing to clip one claw), I called out a professional, who strapped her up in his well outfitted van, and she (mostly) sucked it up and dealt with it.

Now that I know we can do this, it is a huge weight off my mind! (Also the fact that she was so distracted by the unpleasantness going on at her feet that she didn't fight the muzzle, so I am going to call that a muzzle training success, haha)

I told you, I am a mass of contradictions (one big theme has been my deep and profound need to have and please friends, coupled with my complete lack of motivation to actually get off my arse and go out and see them much of the time)

Mostly I've realised that since COVID my ability to socialise has drastically reduced and changed, and if a social event is going to involve any of: a) being out past 21.00, b) socialising with more than 2 people at once, c) being in a noisy place (pub, gig, some restuaurants), d) lasting more than about 2 or 3 hours, (and at the moment e), taking place at my house — I still get quite anxious about introducing Jessie to new people so having people over feels like an inordinate amount of stress, for now at least), I will simply avoid it, or, at my worst, flake out late in the day. Still trying to figure out whether this is BAD or simply FINE. (Thanks to all friends who have still hung out with me occasionally in ways which have been fun for all of us, and sorry for being a bit shit generally)

Having described the dream social encounter above, I had just Vicky (tick) over to my nice quiet house (tick), she stayed for 3 hours (tick), and left at 21.00 (tick) (the only downside here was I AM still anxious about having people over to mine in case Jessie decides they are the enemy but she was very polite to Vicky, and took herself to bed very early — a girl after my own heart)

Also we played Rummikub and I LOVE RUMMIKUB!

Colleague Kier is no longer my line manager, which I am a little sad about as he was great and I loved working with him, but I still get to go bother him occasionally on his new course (MA Data Vis), and we took a little outing to the print department where we oohed and ahhed at riso swatches together.

And SUDDENLY, running for 20 minutes with no stopping! 

My favourite running music is A-Trak's 'Dirty South Dance 2' (tbh one of my favourite albums of all time, it's really stupid and filthy and danceable). 

In the couch to 5k app you get to choose a celebrity to be your 'coach' (they interrupt A-trak's 'Dirty South Dance 2' to tell you you've only got 5 minutes left to go and that you can do it, etc). Most of the coaches on offer were famous sports people (no thanks), so I chose Sarah Millican as she seemed like the least threatening, and has a soothing, reassuring voice.

Anyway thanks to them, I am a runner again. Yay!

For the first time in a long time, had one of those days where you sit down at the end of the day and think 'that was a perfect day'. In the morning, me and my friend James (who was visiting London) went out for DELICIOUS brunch at Mallow, then explored Borough Market. Then in the afternoon I went to my Quaker Meeting House for the open houses festival, and had a lovely time showing people around and chatting with the other Friends. (I also met a great dog called Pluto). The weather was lovely and I felt very calm and happy.

Another excellent day on Sunday, visting the V&A's digital design weekend (the only thing which marred it from being a 'perfect' day was the very long waits/no space on lots of the most fun activities). But still overall very enjoyable and thought provoking, and nice to be back in the V&A for the first time in ages.

lol, sorry about this one (but it makes me laugh to you all get to see it too)

As mentioned, I stopped taking the pill. The whole reason I started taking the pill was because my periods were bad. I've had 20 years of predictable, light, relatively pain free periods, but now we're back in the bad old days again, sob (actually relatively little pain this time, but a LOT more blood than I have become accustomed to)

Not sure if it's the unique climactic conditions this year, or the fact that we now have a front and back garden and live by a large park, but there are SO many daddies. I hate it. (Yes I will insist on calling them 'Daddies', it's my only consolation)

We hosted a welcome party for our incoming students and the whole team (apart from the mysterious Digby) came and did mini presentations about ourselves. It was extremely wholesome and nice to learn more about my cool colleagues!

I took this stupid picture of her looking at squirrels and hugely enjoyed drawing it later

Had a very busy Saturday, briefly visiting Kingston Quaker meeting house (which is very architecturally lovely and was celebrating its 10th birthday), then doing a London Loop bit, then going to some friends civil partnership celebration (which was lovely but I was socially awkward because it broke rules a, b, c and d of 'Emma's socialising preferences' so I left feeling a bit shit and miserable, albeit satsifyingly tired and full of pizza)

Those feelings of shitness persisted!! Love to spend my Sunday reflecting on all the ways I am bad!! (Funnily enough after drawing this I felt amused enough to feel better, visual diaries ARE therapy)

 

Today I took an afternoon off to go to Eltham Palace with my mum (though wish I'd had a bit more of the day to spend on it, as I had to run off a bit early to finish up some work). It's a really beautiful building and gardens, well worth a visit.

Tomorrow, I have my first teaching session with my new gang of year 1 UX students, and I am very excited. My dog has mostly been a good girl and I am enjoying autumn. Therapy is... helpful? And I can run now. So all in all things look okay for October?!