September has very much been a month of two halves. The first half being relatively chill and fun and relaxing, the second half being a confluence stresses which have added up to make for some of the more challenging days I think I have ever experienced in my life 😅 We're getting through though, I think.
We are still trying to buy a house. My solicitor sends me lots of things to read, but often I just have to trust that they are acting in my best interests, because I cannot make head nor tail of it.
As mentioned at the end of last month, my partner got COVID in Paris, so inevitably I got it too. It wasn't as bad as previous times I've had it (this was my third or fourth time now), but still obviously cancelled several outings and had me laid up for a couple of days.
When me and my ex moved into a place where we had the freedom to decorate, we had several big arguments about wall colours. My stance is ALL WHITE. NO COLOUR. All colour banned. She wanted... many colours. I viewed our disagreement as evidence of the fundamental incompatibility of our relationship. It hadn't even occured to me that this would be an issue with my current partner, who I thought had excellent taste. And yet (maybe I am wrong? No, impossible. White walls all the way. I refuse to accept any colour.)
Gross, but I do still enjoy the warm weather, even when sick
I am very pro ULEZ because my lungs are fucked and London's air is fucked and the two are DEFINITELY related. (For anyone outside the UK or the capital, this is 'Ultra Low Emissions Zone' and basically slaps a daily fare on cars who enter the 'zone' that are not up to emissions standards. The zone has just been expanded) I don't know if this news is really getting outside the capital, but there is a LOT of anti ULEZ sentiment here, with over 500 cameras vandalised in the first week.
Anyway, I live on a VERY heavily polluted street — I regularly wipe thick layers of soot off my windows, and my bedroom directly overlooks a 24h a day busy road. Suffice to say, I have car BEEF. So just now, stuck in slow moving traffic outside my window, what should pass, but a shitty little car plastered in anti ULEZ sentiments, absolutely CRANKING a megaphone with a dour man's voice explaining why ULEZ is bad. I decide, in a split second, that yes, I am ready for a (brief) fight, storm out of the house, quickly catch up with the car, politely tap on the window, and give the (4, absolutely packed in, prime conspiracy theory looking weirdo old men) the finger, and storm off. It will achieve little. It gave me some satisfaction.
I get home and my partner was like 'did you have fun'. They asked me what the people looked like, and I was like 'well, weird old white men', and they was like 'Was this the car and was one of them Piers Corbyn'.
Well reader, yes this was the car, and yes one of them was Piers Corbyn. The end.
Really enjoying SHORT SHORTS, kinda for the first time in my life. Combination of cute leg tattoos and smaller boobs giving me confidence (I know they should be unrelated but I always felt too 'top heavy' to get all my legs out somehow?!) — also just generally giving fewer fucks now I'm in my mid 30s I guess. LEGS!
There is an old AC unit in my room. It has a very loud pump and is very expensive to run, but I am very much going to miss it when I move out.
Had a fun day welcoming visitors to our Quaker Meeting House as part of Open House festival, and then attending an old friend's birthday party — more busy social stuff than I generally like to do in one day but it was really nice to get out n about
Went to see a big weird art installation on Clapham Common that was a series of inflatable colourful tunnels. It was around 36 degrees outside, and at least 40 in there, so it was kind of an intense experience, but lots of fun.
I moved back to working from bed when I got COVID, and... have not returned to my desk. I just love work from bed okay, let me have my cosy cushiony feet up luxury experience
Finally out of my COVID hole, went with my friend Jay to experience the "Dream Machine" — basically, they put you in a dark room, you lie on a reclining chair, put on some headphones, close your eyes, and they blast you with strobes. Then you 'enjoy' the colourful shapes your brain forms behind your closed eyes. It didn't do much for me (I found the strobes too intense to enjoy even with my eyes closed), but it was an interesting experience, and the bit I enjoyed most was afterwards when they encouraged us to try and draw what we'd seen.
Chase has had arthritis pretty much the whole time we've had her, but it has really started to feel like she has taken a turn for the worse over the last few weeks.
Increasingly thinking my fringe days might be behind me?!
My partner had to go away for a few days to look after their mum after an eye op, and by coincidence both my housemates were also away. I had a very difficult few days alone with Chase. She seemed to have weakened so much I was having to carry her up and down 3 flights of stairs every time we needed to go out (and we could barely get to the park), she was eating less, and most of all just seemed really wobbly. I did quite a lot of crying alone, convinced that the end might be coming for her. She's only 12... It's a good age, but I'd hoped we'd have so much longer with her.
Saw a passionflower for the first time and had to draw it. Didn't even know such a ridiculous flower could exist! Let alone just in some petrol fumey front garden in Wandsworth!
As part of my preparatory work for teaching, I have been reading Donella Meadows "Thinking in systems: A primer". Tried to put my learning into visual diary form (I understand the principles but struggle to actually put them into practice)
Had some extremely weird ramen
Then I got a succession of VERY STRESSFUL NEWS all in one day.
1) I had been looking forwards to restarting teaching in just a few days time. Got some news (which I can't recount here) which suddenly meant this work was going to be a lot more intense, complex, and demanding than I had anticipated
2) Got the survey back for the house we're trying to buy which revealed dry rot, asbestos, and potential root damage to the drains. OH NO WHAT NOW
3) Took Chase to the vet, who suggested the reason she was struggling so much may be that she had ruptured her cruciate ligament, and we needed to return the next day for further investigations
4) My partner started complaining of sudden dramatic chest pain which was probably heartburn but still MORE ADDITIONAL STRESS THAN I NEEDED
Spent a day wheeling Chase back and forth from the vet and wrestling with solicitors, surveyors and estate agents trying to figure out wtf to do.
(It turned out Chase didn't have a cruciate ligament issue. In fact, her spine is far more calcified than we expected and has basically lost all it's flexibility. The reason she's wobbly like a drunk is either that her spine is crushing a nerve and causing damage, or that she has developed some other kind of neurological condition. Either way, the problem is not going away. She probably doesn't have that much longer with us. Crushing grief on top of everything else.)
Fend off the despair with a cute lil dim sum dinner, or something.
Waaaaaahhhhhh everything all at once
Realised I had to go to a wedding in less than a week and didn't want to wear a dress, panicked, bought a weird suit in Waterloo station Monsoon?!?!
I am a luxury stress eater
The first day in my new teaching role was hilariously stressful, but in many ways kind of a distraction from the absolute shit show of everything else that was going on. (Suffice to say, I suddenly find myself in a role with a lot more responsibility than I have previously had, and fully intend to rise to the challenge, but fucking hell, did it really have to start THIS WEEK)
Bought the dog a wheely cart to tug her over to the park for a shit. She doesn't like it AT ALL.
As if I didn't have enough going on, our housemate announced she was moving out a few months earlier than expected which meant back to SPAREROOM HELL TO SEARCH FOR A REPLACEMENT. Posted the ad for the room and recieved nearly 100 messages in 24 hours, which was frankly an admin burden I could have done without. (Rai-Lee and Charli were both nice?! But not perfect? But who is perfect?! Should we hold out for perfection?!)
Fiona was also nice?! But not perfect?!
Took a day off from being stressed about everything to attend my old uni friend Lucy's wedding. It was extremely charming. The dining tables were each named after a tarot card, and we got THE MOON. Coincidentally there was also a great full moon. It's been years since I went to a wedding and I had such a nice time.
Youssef, Jude and Sara were all also nice?! But none of them perfect?! But we probably just have to make a decision?!
Ugh, I hate this.
Anyway, lest you worry that I am having a nervous breakdown, a few month-finishing updates:
My new teaching role IS high pressure but I am SO enjoying it, and can't wait for everything else to chill out a bit so I can really throw myself into it
After a week or so of uncertainty, haggling and stress, we ARE still buying the place we've been in the process of buying since the end of July, but we have negotiated a 10k discount off the price, which will hopefully enable us to do all the remedial works needed before we move in. I did not want a project house, but a project house is all I can afford, so let's go I guess (pls send me your London builder recommendations)
We clearly now have several potentially great housemates to choose from, we just need to pick one.
After a few very touch and go days with Chase, where she entirely stopped eating, shitting, moving, or showing any enthusiasm for anything or anyone, we have got her on gabapentin, which is a drug that deals with nerve pain, and is also conveniently an anti anxiety drug. She is still extremely wobbly and unable to walk far, but she is eating and shitting again, and is generally a bit more pleased to see us and interested in life. These may well still be her last few weeks, but at least she is not suffering as much as she was earlier in the month. Brace yourself for dog angst though. It is a constant lingering cloud on my horizon at the moment, sadly. I love her so much ðŸ˜
See you next month, for hopefully less stress, but also possibly more of the same...
