March 2022

In some ways I guess March is the best month of the year, because a) it is the month of my birth, and b) it's the month we finally start to come out of winter (in theory). I've definitely been feeling a lightening of mood, anyway...

I started my March with a Samaritans night shift (2.30 – 6.30am), and because of the tube strikes, I had to walk much of the way home. It was kind of nice walking through drizzly Soho streets and across Green Park, in the early hours before most people got moving.

In the first of three 'Emma's bodily modification' features this month, I now have a BIONIC MOUTH!! I mean, having to get a crown kind of isn't ideal, and it felt weird for ages afterwards (like, nearly the entire month). Plus it's super temperature sensitive so things like soup and ice cream are no fun any more unless I'm very careful. But it is still KINDA cool to look at. (Though it's right at the back so no one can see it)... Overall 5/10 experience, would not recommend. I did appreciate the craftsmanship and technical skill that went into making and fitting it though.

Another tattoo! This one was with the incredible Anya Tsyna, and it's a piece of malachite on my lower arm. I've loved her work for ages, especially her gemstone pieces. I opted for malachite because it's long been my favourite stone and I always feel drawn to it when I see it IRL. I also later learned it was historically mined from the Great Orme near where I grew up in North Wales! She did a beautiful job and it was again a pleasure to experience such craft and skill.

This is the biggest one though. Literally and metaphorically. This is something that has been in my mind for a number of years, and in the works for a number of months, but I didn't want to talk about it publicly until I was absolutely sure it was happening, and now I am.

On April 27th, I'm having top surgery — or perhaps more accurately, (as I'm not trans), an 'almost total breast reduction', which is what it says on the documentation.

I have hated my breasts pretty much ever since they got bigger than a C cup, when I was aged around 13. They now hover at between a G and H cup depending on my overall weight. They are, frankly, a blight. They're heavy, painful, and though I have been assured by friends and lovers over the years that they are both desirable and enviable, my response to that has basically always been 'well you take them then'.

I've always known breast reduction was an option, but it always seemed like I'd be spending a lot of money to... still have boobs. It was only as I was fortunate enough to get to know some trans and non-binary people who were undergoing top surgery that I came to understand what I truly wanted, which was just a totally (or nearly totally) flat chest.

Of course I've had to do a lot of soul searching. As they're not sufficiently big to qualify for NHS treatment, this is essentially cosmetic surgery. Is it worth it?! Don't I just need to suck it up and deal with them? Also... AM I trans?! This was a question a lot of people asked me when I was discussing it. I have taken a long, hard look at my own gender, but have fairly firmly come to peace with the fact that I am just a woman who hates boobs.

During the pandemic, like a lot of other people, I got to spend a lot of time in my own company and my own head, and, crucially, my own body. I'm in my mid 30s now. I inch my savings up year by year, but I've long come to peace with the fact that I'm going to renting for most of the rest of my life. But my body is the home I have to live in every day — why shouldn't I spend some (a large 'some') of my hard earned savings on making it a body that can run faster, jump higher, and breathe more freely?!

So there it is. My surgery is on April 27th, which means that next time I write to you, it will be done. (And I may not be able to even do next month's blog on time if I'm still in a bit of a state...) I am both excited and terrified. I've never had a general anaesthetic before, and also... it is going to hurt. But I can't wait for my recovery to be over, so that I can begin the rest of my life of BOOBLESS FREEDOM!!

Anyway, having said that winter is over, it's still very cold. 

A few months ago, my cousin broke up with her first boyfriend. I felt her pain acutely (we've all been there), and asked her family what sort of thing might be a cute outing to cheer her up. We somehow came round to the zoo, which I felt kinda weird about as a vegan, but also secretly kind of excited about. I don't like seeing the big mammals like lions and tigers, but I DO love seeing all the weird small buddies. Anyway at the time, her brother got COVID so she had to isolate and couldn't come, so we rescheduled it for her 21st birthday. Which was nice as it was more spring-like, and she was probably in a better frame of mind to enjoy it! 

Saw loads of cool buddies, anyway. Probably won't go back in a hurry but it was a nice (if expensive) time.

Some days it be like that

Managed to persuade two of my smartest friends to come out for Ethiopian food with me, in the hope that hearing them talk about all their interesting work would motivate me to start thinking harder about my practice again, post MA. I feel like I should be doing more interesting, research-led work off the back of my studies, but lots of people are paying me money to do more mundane (but fun) work, and I am very tired. So I don't think I'm going to be getting my big thinking brain back on any time soon. It was nice to see my friends and eat a tasty food though.

It's smear test time! As a person with a vagina, you have one of these every three years from age 25 to 64. That means you'll probably have 12 or 13 in total, in your entire life. I'm on my fourth now. Time flies eh

(I still like trains)

 

 

In exciting domestic news, our new housemate Camille moved in! And on the SAME DAY my old friend Jess was visiting. Throwing Camille immediately into a social situation with both Spen and me AND our guest Jess might have been a bad idea for her first night, but actually we had a super fun chatty boardgame time, and I am reassured that we have made a good housemate choice. 

I had a lovely time visiting Cambridge for the first time... and basically seeing none of Cambridge at all, as I was entirely there to help me friends Lily and Hazel de-clutter their house. I actually really love doing this kind of work, and regularly have clear outs of my own stuff, so it was really fun to (collaboratively) be let loose on someone else's house. (So if you ever need that kind of help, call me?! I'm like a rowdier Marie Kondo but still very gentle I promise)

The other good thing about March is beautiful blossom season!

One of my main motivations for the gym (which I hadn't mentioned before) is to try and lose weight before my surgery, as surgical outcomes are better if you're in good shape. I am making very slow progress on that front, but I am kind of having a nice time now I've stopped going on the treadmill (which is the worst, especially with boobs like these)

Spen made a 'bad' dinner

Here's a hilariously anti-climactic end to my pandemic day counting, the moment when I realised I have at some point skipped like 200 days, LOLLLL

(Seriously though, there is still a pandemic on)

VERY BIG NEWS for vegan cheese fans!! (There is also vegan Primula, not pictured!)

One of my MA tutors, Tony, was really keen on the idea of launching a small press as part of our course. He was determined that our cohort should be the ones to finally get it up and running, and recruited a group of us who were excited about the idea to do the neccesary legwork — making a few publications, creating a brand, and generally bringing the whole thing into existence. TBH I didn't really have that much time to devote to it alongside my studies and my work-work, but the one thing I did mostly lead on was running a workshop at our final event for the next year's cohort, in which they created, (in black and white), three layered artworks ready for riso print. I and the rest of the press team promised to print these and bind them into a zine. Tony agreed that we could come back in early 2022 to use the riso machine to do this. It would be a super cute collaborative project that would also serve to teach the incoming project about how the riso machine works.

However, 2022 rolls around... and someone's in holiday in Thailand for all of Jan, so can we do Feb? Sure, but then the riso ran out of masters and Tony couldn't get any more for ages, so suddenly it's March. And then, well, you know the pain of trying to get anything more than two people to agree on a date. Plus I am becoming increasingly conscious that it's basically just me pushing for this to happen. Maybe no one else cares? Maybe I am really annoying and they all hate the whatsapp group and wish I'd shut up about the damn project and let it drop?

But look, I did the workshop and I follow through on my projects, damn it! So we eventually agreed that a few of us would come in on this Friday, but then literally no one else showed up. (I actually don't care that much because I don't think any of them really like me and mostly I just wanna have fun printing by myself anyway 🙃) 

So I got everything set up (very fiddly), and then a pipe burst in the building and we were all evacuated and not allowed back in for FIVE DAYS, and the whole thing was just deeply, deeply annoying

Mmmmmm weekend

Sorry I'm really bad at drawing anime style characters, but here's a Howl/Spen fan art as we continue working our way through the Studio Ghibli movies

Camille bought her girlfriend over and she was also nice! They baked a cake and we played a boardgame! The dream, tbh

Believe me, I've been doing a lot of 'if I hold my boobs like this can I imagine them gone?' exercises in front of the mirror, and I am afraid the answer is 'no, not really'

Finally got back into the riso room to pick up where I left off.

(Made this out of some nice test sheets from the scrap paper pile)

Bought myself a super cute stretchy, backless jumpsuit, in readiness for summer/boob-free life

Really really enjoyed the Francis Bacon show at the RA. I've loved his work for years but never had the pleasure of seeing so much of it all at once. There were also a lot of pieces I'd never seen before, and one of the things I was most struck by were some of his colour combinations. Here's a (bad) self portrait inspired by the show...

BIRTHDAY! Had just an unequivocally nice day. Train to Brighton with my pal Lucy, bought a cute jumpsuit, delicious lunch at fancy Terre a Terre, finally got a haircut with my fav hairdresser, then ice cream with my pal Zöe, and train home again. Sunshine! Sea! Friends! Couldn't ask for more tbh.

To prolong the birthday fun, took my partner out for fancy lunch to middle eastern place Bubala. It was extremely delicious and expensive!

Chase's old bed was old and tired, so we bought her a new one with sides, and she LOVES it. Like, the amount she loves it is genuinely moving. I'm not sure I've ever seen a dog so cosy. She's a perfect angel and she finally has the bed she deserves.

Spent the morning working on a really intricate, fiddly, brain-tiring brochure for one client, then spent the afternoon labouring away in the riso room again, then went for ramen dinner with Heidi and Rosie and felt very OLD and TIRED. I am kind of at peace with continuing to feel old and tired for most of April, then feeling old, tired, AND in large amounts of pain for most of May, but then June, WATCH OUT, I will be back on my culture and socialising game (maybe)

Work has been really busy this month, but I'm mostly having a really nice time?! I have a lot of good clients who are paying me well to do fun work, which is basically the freelance dream. Long may it continue this way, even if I am maybe having to work a little harder than I might like!

Me at the start of this blog: "March is basically summer!"

Me at the end of this blog: "It is snowing"

Roll on April and a sunny, boob-free future.

February 2022

February (as always) kicked off with hourly comics day, which I somehow only remembered at lunchtime, so this year's were a bit rushed. I did a seperate blog about that day here.

February second was 2-2-22. (I only later realised that 22-2-22 was maybe more exciting, OH WELL)

Having spent the entirety of January stubbornly refusing to leave my bedroom and actually sit at my desk like a functioning adult, I finally caved when a client sent me a sufficiently complex bit of work that I was going to need my second screen. But I was NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

Mum came to visit for the day and we went to the Constable exhibition at the RA. I've been going to see art with my mum for my whole life, and for that I feel very greatful. I remember us going around an art gallery when I was probably aged around 12 or 13 (I think it was Tate Liverpool though I also feel like I must be misremembering because I don't recall ever being in Liverpool with her otherwise?!)... We were walking around the galleries and we saw a piece of art, I can't remember who it was by, but it was a painting of a human, but all their bodily proportions were wrong, and it looked like they were in pain. My mum was a nurse and I think art that evokes pain or blood has always been something she doesn't like to see. In fact she said to me at the time, 'thats my least favourite kind of art'. I remember walking around the rest of the gallery wondering what my least favourite kind of art was (as I had actually quite liked the piece she so took against). I came to the conclusion that my least favourite kind of art was anything which bored me. I feel like I should have evolved a more nuanced take since then, but my stance has remained pretty much the same since then — the worst sin that art can commit is to leave me unmoved.

Anyway tl;dr, Constable is boring 🙃

Of course that's not entirely fair, and actually because I was so bored by the actual paintings, I spent much longer reading the captions. Learning more about his process and ideas definitely left me with a bit more respect for him than when I had entered, but I still maintain that his actual art is utterly uninteresting. (To me). I had a bash at a Constable of my own, but fittingly I got bored halfway through :)

My throat is still fucked! I am loathe to call this long COVID, as a) I had a persistent cough even before I got COVID and b) my only other symptom is kinda low energy, but again, I think that's more of a vibe than a physical symptom, as I can definitely force myself to do things when I have to, and do generally cope physically. The low energy is more mental I guess?

Anyway WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY THROAT?! The doctor prescribed me a nose spray and an asthma pump but neither have made a jot of difference so far, blegh,

 

Anyway, time to go away for the longest time I've been away since January 2020!!! Pre-2020, I had got travel and packing down to a fine art. I was hopping around the country (and indeed, beyond) so often that I actually felt quite smug about my ability to glide around with minimal stress and minimal baggage. NO LONGER! How many tops do I need for 7 days? LESS THAN YOU THINK EMMA, you don't even sweat that much, chill out.

 

As with my last couple of trips away, my visual diary policy is all digital while travelling! (Saves me carrying a precious book and loads of pens). Anyway, I got the train up to Manchester and stayed the night with my friend Tom in Withington, South Manchester. He took me out for some of the best vegan Chinese food I've ever had.

The next day I headed over to my friends Kim and Sylvia's house. Kim is now technically my boss (I work one day a week for GFSC!) so ostensibly this was to be a 'work day'. We did indeed do some work, but then we went over to fellow GFSC employee Jazz's house, to meet PEGGY! Peggy is a semi-feral border collie that Jazz adopted around a month ago. She is an extremely good girl trapped inside an extremely scared/erratic/intense girl's body. Of course she reminded me a lot of Charlie, particularly when he first came out of the shelter. Peggy was still too scared to met me pet her, but I presented her with gifts of a licky-mat, a fancy nylon bone and some of Chase's sprats, and she very much appreciated them. (The fun of digital visual diary making is that I can cheat a bit and use a reference photo as a base. Really enjoyed making this cute digital painting!)

The next day I got the train to Hebden Bridge. I have barely been back to Hebden Bridge since I moved away in late 2019. I had planned to return a lot more often, but the pandemic put paid to that, and the longer I stayed away, the less I wanted to go back. On the one hand, my memories of that valley are of being part of an incredible artistic community, being fitter than I ever have been, and spending lots of time with my sweet Charlie, roaming over the moors. On the other hand, my memories of that valley are incessant rain, a failing relationship, a deep-seated loathing of 'the countryside', and general misery. The latter have definitely been outweighing the former, to the point where coming back now actually feels pretty grim, and I have little to no fondness for the place at all.

It WAS, however, nice to see a few old friends and share a lunch together. Plus do some lino printing!

In the evening, I met up with my friend James. He has recently moved to the area from Brighton and is looking to buy a house in HB. (He's currently renting in Halifax). Despite all my cynicism, he is a big fan of life in the valley so far, and his enthusiasm was kind of catching. I did start to remember why I moved there in the first place. (...cheap rent, lol?)

I stayed at James's place in Halifax, which was EXTRAORDINARILY NICE and made me question all my life choices. Halifax is pretty great actually. It's got so much incredible industrial history (and still to this day is a very industrial town), and all of its architecture is so shaped by this. There's kind of nowhere else quite like it, and I enjoyed spending an afternoon walking around. (Depressingly I had hoped to have another week of 'taking it easy' work wise, but all my freelance clients decided February was suddenly the time to get moving on everything, so I was pretty overwhelmed with work, and did have to spend a few hours each day working, despite this supposedly being a holiday. Maybe I am bad at holidays now?! But after a sparse January it was pretty hard to turn anything down)

One thing I wanted to do while up North was go for a proper hike (even if I knew I'd find my loss of fitness quite depressing). On Friday afternoon me and James went for momos at the Tibetan kitchen in Hebden Bridge, then hiked back to Halifax from Sowerby Bridge, up and over the hills. It was a really nice time, despite some extremely muddy and/or perilous bits (it is still very much winter). 

The next day I headed into Leeds to see my friends Daisy and Ferg, and their new baby Rowan (also to get an amazing manicure!) I had been planning on staying overnight with some other friends, but they got COVID, lolsob. So after a delicious lunch at Döner Summer, I got the train back to London. (On which I did this extremely wobbly drawing)

On the last day of my extremely un-restful holiday, our housemate Tabitha texted to let us know she wanted to move out in a month. Tabitha has been my pandemic rock, and I'm quite sad about it, especially as it was quite unexpected. But she's been going through some private life stuff of her own recently, and needs some time at home, out of London to figure her stuff out. Which is fair enough, but UUUUUUUGHHHHH I hate finding new housemates. 

I posted the ad on spareroom at around 11 on Sunday morning and within 36 hours I had SIXTY EIGHT responses. Mostly from people who were absolutely not the right fit, but mostly just a testiment to how ridiculous the London rental market is. (Especially for a place with comparatively reasonable rent like ours)

 We immediately launched into viewings, meeting 8 people on the Monday alone. I HATE THIS!

Anyway we met a bunch more people too, but Camille was by far the best. YAY CAMILLE! (She moves in on the 11th and I am really hoping we have made a good choice and she is indeed as chill and sweet and friendly as she seems)

Big storm! 

I still think about Charlie every day. I am at the stage now where I can have fond memories of him and think back happily to our time together (as everyone said would happen!)... For about one minute, at which point my brain abruptly cut-scenes to me lying on the bathroom floor, howling next to his dead body.

When does it get easier?

I was supposed to be going curling (!!!) with some friends, but the curling got cancelled because of the storm, so I unexpectedly had a day free. Decided not to mope around the house by myself, and instead took myself out for a fancy lunch by myself! (One of my favourite things to do)

The next day, me and Jay did section 12 (my second section) of the Capital ring, from Highgate to Stoke Newington. Weather wasn't great and there was some EXTREME MUD at one point (actually worse than what I encountered in Yorkshire), but we had a nice time nonetheless.

In extremely stressful news, Chase had to have a general anaesthetic to get her teeth cleaned. I was a bundle of nerves about it, but of course she was fine, albeit somewhat disgrunted and discombobulated by the whole experience.

My throat is often worse at night, so I slowly drink a hot tea and that helps. Here are some of my favourites!

Other remedies. (They do nothing but they taste good)

Took a picture of this scene on the tube to draw later. Relatedly, I wonder if I should stop numbering these diaries soon? I started numbering the days from the first lockdown in March 2020. With Boris' announcement of all restrictions being lifted and a world 'back to normal', I feel like maybe I should stop, but the world doesn't feel back to normal to me. Somehow I can't felp but feel it never will be though.

 Just a satisfying day of boring tasks that I enjoyed drawing

 

Everyone* (*surely?!) has their favoured lunchtime Boots Meal Deal combo. I genuinely feel like a Boots Meal Deal for lunch is a treat. (A Boots Meal Deal for dinner is depressing though)

I'm actually not sure if they still make the Pea and Mint fritter sandwiches any more as I haven't seen one for ages, but I am still including it here because it was a classic and I love it.

However, there is a different meal deal situation which calls for an altogether different approach — night shifts.

For my once monthly Samaritans night shift, I know I will need the additional twilight 'fourth meal' (does it have a name? Night supper?) — and for some reason I am absolutely obsessed with cheese and onion at that time of night. The boots vegan cheese and onion sandwich is kind of grotesque but I absolutely love it. (Grotesque mainly in the sense that it has basically no texture, it is however, all flavour).

Anyway, I stumbled into March blearily eyed at 6.30am walking home across London from my night shift because of the tube strike. Here's hoping the rest of the month is slightly less tired and rainy.