I've been keeping very (too?) busy with lots of nice things. My friend Paul came to visit from Manchester and we grabbed a spare hour to wander round the Barbican (he is a mine of Barbican architectural trivia so this was an excellent choice)
This feels like a very long time ago now, but at the start of November I was still STRESSING about finding a new housemate. We met lots of people. Some we liked. Some we disliked. Everyone in the process flailing wildly. I never want to have to log on to Spareroom ever again.
I wanted this to be a drawing about trains but it turned into a drawing about trees. There's a small park near my house with train lines on every side and I like to stand in it and watch the trains go by all at once. The trees look real good right now too. So I got distracted.
Both unethical and egotistical, yes.
Thankfully, TABITHA! She is great and she is going to move in with us in early December and I'm so glad to (mostly) not have to panic about this any more.
Went to my Gran's ashes scattering, which is a strange old thing. The actual process of it is super weird (like there's so MUCH?!) and there's like this special sprinkler that looked incredibly satisfying to use. It was kind of windy and the creamtorium lady got lots of it over her wellies. Then she read a poem and I cried even though I didn't want to, just POEMS right?! (Well, good poems anyway, I am generally a notorious poetry hater).
Afterwards me, my mum, my aunts and cousins went for afternoon tea and cake at my Gran's favourite garden centre (v v gran activity) and looked at loads of old family pictures together (All the ones my gran had had stashed away in her flat). There were some of her in her early twenties on a boat to Africa which I'd never seen before. It was kind of impossible to imagine her younger than me, having such adventures.
Afterwards me and mum went back to her flat and I got to take away a few things from her belongings that I liked and wanted. Just a few small things.
Back in June, I (politely) gatecrashed a party at the house of some very cool people, and then proceeded to leave my scarf there. 4 months later, awkwardly went and got it back (they had very kindly kept hold of it for me). It was my all time favourite scarf and I am DELIGHTED. To celebrate, went for A++ bao with my old uni friend Michael and his partner Marius, and then TRIED to do some christmas shopping but just ended up buying myself a lovely skirt, oh dear
The next day me and Charlie went to Worthing to see our friends Heidi, and Harriet and Tom (and their new baby son Max). For a long time while I was trying to decide where to move from Hebden Bridge, Worthing was pretty high on the list... I love being by the sea, I have friends there, it's close to Brighton (more friends, and work), and London... I may yet end up living there if I have to leave London for any reason. It was a gloriously sunny day, and I had a bit of a moment while walking along the pier (which I entirely managed to suppress because just CRYING spontaneously in a social situation is kind of uncool)... It occured to me that I hadn't felt this 'okay' since January, when I was walking along a similar pier in Santa Monica, in LA. Between then, and now, it has been months of heartbreak and sadness and challenge and anxiety. But... I made it through. And now I'm back on a pier, in the sun, on the other side of the world, in kind company, with my sweet dog, and I'm going to be okay.
Talking of America, I AM DOING THE THING. The USA has my heart, and when I got back in January, I promised myself that come hell or high water I would spend the next Christmas/NY there (knowing, as I then did, that my relationship with Ava was ending, so the following Christmas would likely be a bit painful and maybe lonely). I didn't quite know where, or how, or exactly when, but the pieces have fallen together and I am going to spend the greater part of a month in Boston (Dec 16 – Jan 14), apartment/cat-sitting for my lovely friend Deb while she's away.
I am hugely looking forwards to just... existing. I will hopefully be working for much of the time, being cosy indoors, eating lots of delicious food, catching up on personal projects, being at peace with solitude, and taking some time off from walking Charlie. (One of the hardest parts of organising the whole trip was finding Charlie care for a month, and my eternal gratitude goes to my friend Beck and friend/former neighbour Caroline, both back in Hebden Bridge, who will both be giving Charlie their love in my absence)
I find buying flights INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL and clicking the 'book' button is very tense. Did I mess this up?! Did I get the wrong dates?! Am I accidentally flying to the wrong location?! Let's hope not...
Borrow my Doggy friends continue to be an incredible support with Charlie while I'm here in London, but most of the time I just take him with me as much as I can, to give his clever little brain and body the exercise they need and deserve every day. He comes to Brighton with me for work days and he's so patient with all the faff that involves. My sweet boy.
Just an autumnal reminder. (I am so scared about the election)
A work meeting opposite another lovely brutalist building
It's about 45 minutes away, but a nice long walk for Charlie is up to Hyde Park. I am so lucky that I can walk to Hyde Park from my house.
One thing I think about a lot (ironically) is how LITTLE I now think about the rain. I cannot overstate what a huge difference the weather here has made to my mood. Sometimes I'll just be out walking in the park and I'll be like 'hey, it hasn't rained this week' and I feel deep contentment. On the days it does rain, even if I get a bit wet, it just stops later. And then it's over for a while. Maybe even a week, or two weeks. This is SO GOOD for me.
Went on a Tinder date. Felt nothing. Sorry Jake.
Went to see Oscar Jerome with Hasib. It was a great show and kind of nice to have company (I almost always go to shows alone)... It's nice to be hugged and it's nice to have someone to chat to in between sets and it's nice to have a friend on the trains home, but he talked during the music and I'm sorry but I shut that shit RIGHT down because there's no fuckin way I'm tolerating a gig talker. (I actually told him to shush which made me feel like an enormous dick but come on my dude, you're ruining it for everyone)
So many good sticks
My friend Jenny came for dinner and she bought amazing cakes. I hadn't seen her in about 3 years and it was such a joy to catch up!
Went to the Olafur Eliasson exhibiton at Tate Modern with Michael and Lyall and it genuinely was every bit as good as I'd hoped and I didn't even resent the ridiculously high entry fee!
Went on another date. (I've basically entirely switched my dating-app alliegances to OkCupid now — I was on there back in 2011-ish, it was good then and it's still good now. Seriously, after a few weeks on Tinder, switching to this was like BABE CENTRAL. There were genuinely so few even vaguely attractive people on Tinder, my swipe ratio was about 1/100... On OkCupid it's closer to 1/10, how is it so much better?!?!)
Anyway, S is one of these total babes and we chatted on Whatsapp a LOT in the run up to the date... normally I don't neccesarily want that until I've met someone and established whether I liked them, but conversation just flowed very easily between us (Though they have a very dry sense of humour I guess, and I can be quite cheery and earnest, so I feel like both of us took a while to figure each other out, but in a fun way?)
We actually met in Green Park to have a stroll with Charlie, and were having such a nice time that we got some lunch? And were still presumably having such a nice time (I was anyway, I assume they were too), that we carried on walking a bit? And still having a nice enough time that they accepted my invite to come back to mine for tea (just tea!! It's a first date!)
Anyway, afterwards they said they liked me but not romantically, and would just like to be friends, which actually was... fine? I REALLY liked them but hadn't quite figured out in my mind whether that was a 'I'm super hot for you' crush or a 'I really wanna be your friend' crush, so having them define the terms is useful I guess. I felt slightly deflated because often when people say 'let's be friends' after a date they mean 'let's never see each other or speak again' (goodness knows I've done it), so I wondered if that would be the situation here, but we have continued talking a lot, and are meeting up again this week, so... friendship? I hope?!
They might be my favourite new person I've met since coming to London in the sense of just feeling a solid, comfortable contentment in their company with no need to try and be something I'm not, or manage any kind of expectations, which means a lot.
The following day, all of Charlie's walks were taken care of by kind other people, and while my instinct when this happens is usually 'what fun thing shall I go and do?!?!' I decided it would be good for me to spend some time quietly at home, sitting still, napping, drawing, lying in bed and generally being cosy and contented in my own company.
Since being in London I've been feeling the need to be social as much as I can... And I guess I've been wondering why this is. Is it just a natural reaction to being close to so many friends and such a huge and incredibly diverse population of people to meet? Or am I doing this because, deep down, there is an emptiness and a loneliness that I am desperately trying to fill? I haven't quite figured it out but I'm hoping it's the former.
Anyway, I spent Sunday entirely alone, except also, not, because I am so lucky that I do have so many people in my life at the moment, and every time my phone buzzes (which is a lot right now?!) I am happy and excited to see who it might be. These were all the people I talked to that day.
Another thing I've been wrestling with alongside being social, is my creative/work life. Because I've been so busy doing FUN LONDON STUFF, my personal work has entirely taken a back seat, and even when I have tried to carve out time to make something, my energy and motivation has been entirely absent. I have been sustaining my work commitments (though more on that later), but I feel like I don't have anything else in me right now. I've never experienced such a... void... before. I'm really hoping it's temporary and not permenant. I found myself asking the question 'when's the last time you made something you were proud of', and in an attempt to answer that, tried to do a challenging self portrait (both in terms of pose and media), and it came out quite well, which heartened me.
Went to see Oliver Coates at the Jazz cafe. I was very tired and the support acts were terrible (one actually terrible, one just not to my taste), but I'm glad I went because hot damn I love a cello.
As well as my creative work, another area I've been struggling with since moving is cooking. Well, kind of. I've actually been eating really well, and quite happily, but I've just been making very simple meals, nothing that takes more than about 5 minutes of prep. A rice bowl with tofu, steamed green vegetables and some pickles. Pasta with pesto and veg and maybe a sprinkling of nuts. Freezer potato waffles with veg and a pie and gravy. Like, lovely, reasonably balanced, wholesome, easy food, which I am enjoying. But it doesn't feel like 'cooking'. And I used to love cooking. I hope the desire will come back. It's easier to be motivated when people are visiting though, and I made a (if I say so myself) very good sweet potato, spinach and peanut stew with lemon and coriander cous cous for me and Rosie, before she flew off on her hols, and it felt good to make a nice thing and share it.
Went on another date (look dating is super fun and weird okay, I am doing the thinggggg)
Cosmin is a Romanian AI researcher and... I like him?! Like, I didn't have any intense crush feelings, but I just... warmed to him. I think he might be a bit too clever for me (I know that's a mean thing to say about oneself but look, he's a very clever man), but I find myself wanting to hang out with him a bit more and get to know him better, which he also seems amenable to doing, so that's nice.
Went to temple of capitalism, Westfields Shepherds Bush to have another go at Christmas shopping. Mostly succeded. Was amused by this interaction with the very young sales guy in John Lewis.
So yeah, one other slight cloud on my horizon is work stuff.
I think I talked about this in a previous blog, but to say it again I guess... Since I started freelancing properly around 3 years ago, I've not had a quiet moment. I know freelancing is ebbs and flows by its nature, but I'd only had the flows! I was constantly busy to the point of struggling, but that's the way I like it!
However, since moving to London, for no apparent reason, that lull has come. I haven't (to my knowledge!) lost any clients, they've just been sending me less work than usual, for whatever reasons, that are all entirely out of my hands.
My October was quiet, and I got scared. My November has been busy and productive, yay! But at this stage, my December looks quiet, and I have spent much of today being anxious about that, and trying to figure out what to do to fix this.
Previously, my current base of clients has always been more than enough to sustain me, so I've been loathe to start hollering too loudly about taking on anyone new in case I bite off more than I can chew, but this last week one very long-term project (and so, client) came to an end, which realistially means I can and should look for new people to work with.
Do you need graphic design or illustration work doing? Somehow, at this point, I have like a decade of experience, which is vaguely disconcerting to realise. I'm quite good at graphic design. I can do a nice drawing as long as it's not of horses or hands or people. Please let me know if any of this would be useful to you, and you can pay me, so I can stop panicking.
Because I love London way too much. It's like a passionate, all-consuming, butterflies in stomach new love, as well as a comforting, constant, steady old friend I have returned to. I have never been happier anywhere else and I need to make sure I never have to leave.
Fingers crossed for a busy December, in both work and ongoing adventures...
