But, like I say, friends. They're great and helpful and I so so intensely appreciate literally every tiny whatsapp message, instagram like, phonecall, DM, but extra especially the friends (old and new) that have been able to make time for IRL hangouts. Daisy and Ferg are FROM THE INTERNET, but as I established many years ago, that's a wonderful way to make friends (and we did have a vague real life connection via Alex too). We've hung out a couple of times in the past year and I am luring them to Hebden Bridge as often as I can with the promise of 'quite good chinese food and a large table to eat it off'...
Davey is from Montana and is living in Hebden Bridge for a year or so. He knows our friend Hannah, and she was basically like 'you guys need to hang out', so we have been, and honestly, Davey in particular has been a wonderful support and friend to all three of us (me, Justin and Alex) over the last couple of months. (I sometimes forget how fun making new friends is when it goes well and feels natural).
Honestly I think this might be a candidate for the most depressing visual diary I've ever drawn (although if it makes it any less depressing, nearly a month in and I am definitely enjoying sleeping spread out in the centre of the bed)
Yeah, look, the start of the month was pretty rough and bleak. It rained a lot. I felt extremely miserable and hopeless.
It's at times like this I always remember something a friend once said to me. We were at uni together and he made me a mixtape when we graduated (well, a mix ZIP file). It was made up of two parts, the first of which was broadly positive, the second of which was broadly melancholic. He sent me an email to accompany it, in which he said:
Now, don't ignore the second part just because it's negative.
I know what you're like Emma!
There is a spectrum of emotion out there, we need the bad just as much as the good!
He probably doesn't even remember making it, or sending the email (we've fallen out of touch in subsequent years), but I've often held onto these words. Many people have said them in many different forms of course, and it's hardly an original thought, but I think the addendum 'I know what you're like Emma!' always reminds me that I am one of those people who is generally forcefully upbeat (in a way that I know he sometimes found grating, and I imagine other people have done too)... I am letting myself feel the darker feelings, because as he says, we need the bad as much as the good, and it wouldn't be natural for me not to have to experience some of that at this point.
It doesn't make it any easier, but it does remind me that it is neccesary, and natural.
I burned my hand on the oven and had a big cry because Alex and Justin were both away, and anyway, Alex wouldn't offer me any sympathy* even if they had been home. (*Actually they clearly still would have done because they're not a monster, but at the same time I don't really feel able to ask for it when I've caused them so much pain)
Also this feels like something a 16-year-old emo would have made, so SORRY, I'm DOING THAT THING
As mentioned, Alex and Justin both went away for nearly a whole week, and I felt very low, and alone. It rained solidly for nearly a fortnight too, and the valley felt particularly dark and claustrophobic. Went out for some dinner at the Trades with David, which helped ease some of the bad feels again, for a moment.
And as is often the way for many people, when left alone, and low — far too much time idly staring at my phone. Refreshing Twitter. Reading the (horrible) news. Playing mindless games. Refreshing instagram longing for messages that won't come. It's a horrible trap that's at it's stickiest during hard times.
After an unusually dry winter, the persistant rain (particularly intense this day) bought all the worms to the surface in a way that I found deeply unsettling.
Decided that a soothing activity would be to dig out all my art supplies and find every single different shade/variety of blue that I posess (and I was right, it was soothing!)
The text says "Am I able to keep pushing myself creatively while wrestling with uncertainty about my future"
I guess I just have this sense that at some point I am going to leave Hebden Bridge, and short of some utter fluke, wherever I go is going to be SUBSTANTIALLY more expensive than here. Right now I have the luxury of being able to push myself — I'm trying to stretch myself to my limits in terms of my creative practice (both in terms of trying new things and refining my skills at what I can already do) because at some point my circumstances are likely going to change such that this will no longer be so possible. Although I am technically working full time (or more) right now, because it's predominantly freelance I have the ability to schedule that as I want it, and also to take on the kind of work that will further my specific interests. I also currently have access to facilities and creative community that I will lose when I move away, and enough financial stability that I can make choices and sacrifices to further my ambitions that won't be possible when I'm scrabbling for every penny to make rent, so I really need to make the most of this time, however much longer I live here. (but also without burning out, lololol)
(Also I know some of you will be like 'well why don't you just stay in Hebden Bridge then?' and honestly I am asking myself that same question... I just need to come to peace with lot living in a city, but 2.5 years in of being here and I am still no closer to that)
Davey made a bangin' vegan macaroni cheese for me, Justin and Dav, I am still daydreaming about it, it was that good.
And then... a lightening. It's still raining, but... emotions ease.
Here's a TMI aside for you — a few months ago I went to the doctor to get more of the contraceptive pill — the same one I've been using since I was about 15 years old, which I initially started taking to ease incredibly heavy, painful periods. This time, the doctor told me that I needn't leave the traditional seven-day break between packs and that I could just run them all together and never have periods. I didn't believe him because this flew in the face of everything every other doctor had ever told me (indeed they would often specifically check that I was taking it correctly and warn me not to run packs together). But then late January, these kinds of news stories were being reported, confirming what my doctor had told me.
Gleefully, I threw away my mooncup (lol not really those things cost like £20) and rejoiced in a future life without periods.
Unfortunately, IT DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT AT ALL, and after about two and a half months of taking the pill every day, I just got like, one mega period, that started entirely unexpectedly in early March and just KEPT GOING, basically until I stopped taking the pill and let my body get back to its usual arrangement. During the seven day breaks my periods have always been short, nearly painless and with few mood swings. This was the opposite of all those things, and likely contributed fairly heavily to my early March low feelings.
Anyway, as I say, apologies if that's more than you wanted to know, but I wanted to share this in case there are any other women who read those articles and are thinking about trying it out — it's worth a shot as apparently it works for some, but I am definitely back to regularly scheduled programming in that respect. Roll on menopause, eh...?
Talking of all that stuff earlier about having access to creative resource/facilities, I'm still working with the Egg Factory's letterpress library to try and get their press up and running, ultimately with a view to maybe teaching some classes. It's still a little beleagured by technical issues though, but hopefully we're making progress. I enjoyed this messy test sheet... It's been a real joy working with some more analogue techniques and I really want to get more skilled at letterpress specifically, trying to make at least one afternoon a week of time for it.
My mum came to visit, and we decided to go into Manchester for the day, which was maybe a TERRIBLE MISTAKE. As I mentioned, it had been raining pretty solidly for over two weeks at this point. As we got the train in the morning, a couple of subsequent trains were being cancelled due to water on the rails. The rain persisted, heavier and heavier, and by the time we were trying to return in the afternoon, the flood sirens had sounded and the valley was battening down the hatches preparing for the river to break its banks. It was very hard to get a sense of whether this had, indeed, already happened, but the trains were all terminating at Rochdale (about halfway from Manchester to Hebden Bridge), and the road was apparently closed from Walsden through to an indeterminate point down the valley. We got as far as Rochdale and then persueded a taxi driver who definitely had no idea what he was taking on to drive us home over the moors via Burnley (about an hour's round trip for one which would normally be about 20 minutes). It was still pouring heavily with rain, and up on the moors there were high winds, massive pools of water across the road, and ever lessening light. It was genuinely one of the more terrifying car journies I've ever taken, AND it cost me £70.
Luckily, the river didn't burst its banks, and subsequently the weather has been very dry, so we're back right down to totally normal levels, but it was a near miss and gave everyone a bit of a scare, in this valley that lives in fear after the devastating Boxing Day 2015 floods.
The aftermath of the rains were streams everywhere, even where there aren't normally streams, bright white foaming and frothing through the undergrowth round every corner.
In previous years I've done a LOT of visual diaries about mud, but this year had been mostly less so... UNTIL NOW (luckily though it's already a lot better again)
Got really excited about trying some of Waitrose's vegan ravioli but it really wasn't all that
I literally cannot overstate how much I love having a dishwasher, it is THE BEST THING
Took myself down to London for a birthday treat weekend, and it was indeed a treat.
On the Saturday I'd invited my old uni friends Lucy, Michael and Lyall out for lunch. Lucy couldn't make it, as she was running one of her marbling workshops as Marmor Paperie... I was like 'Ohhh I wish I was doing a marbling workshop!' so she incredibly generously invited the three of us to come along, which was the sweetest thing, and SO MUCH FUN. Marbling is an amazing craft and Lucy is one of the few remaining practitioners in the UK (I think she said it's only her and three others!)
It's a beautiful activity in that it's easy for a newcomer to get fascinating and wonderful results, but it's also very moreish and easy to see how incredibly skilled one COULD get at it, with persistance, and years of practice. I so enjoyed it, and if you fancy a treat I'd really recommend going to one of her workshops!
We had a lovely lunch afterwards, and then I got the train to Brixton to visit La Fauxmagerie, the UK's first vegan cheese shop, who stock the most incredible artisan vegan cheeses, of which I treated myself to a selection as a selfish birthday gift.
Then Nat (who I was staying with) cooked a delicious Katsu curry for me, her, George and Aidan, and I felt thoroughly contended after a day of treats and sweet people.
Sunday was more joys, lunch with one of my oldest/best friends David, and then we went to Liberty and touched lots of lovely things we can't afford. Then back to Nat's for delicious Chinese and cat cuddles aplenty.
I did some work in London on Monday, enjoyed being around Old Street and riding the tube (plus bumping into another friend I hadn't seen in ages by complete chance), then got the train back up to Yorkshire, and by some fluke connection, did the entire journey in under 3 hours, which is a new record.
London treated me well and lifted my spirits, just in time for...
BIRTHDAY!!! Again, after earlier in the month's low moods (and a fairly disappointing actual-birthday-day last year), I'd been determined to make it nice. I went into Manchester for some brunch with Sylvia and to treat myself to some new trainers (I may have made bad choices though, I got over-excited in the moment and invested in some big silly Nike Airs because they were just so SPRINGY but I think they might actually totally not suit me), then came home for all the Chinese food with Alex, Justin, Dav, Davey (and his two lovely US friends who were visiting), Daisy, Ferg, David and Beck. Felt warmed and cheered and comforted. THIRTY ONE!
And it's not cold any more. It's stopped raining. I can imagine being happy here. Coming out of my winter misery hole. It's not sustainable to have to experience these kind of location-based seasonal lows forever but at least now I can take a run at the next few months a bit more free of the darkness and cold and rain that always drag me down so.
And all the leaves are coming out. Dav and Justin got me some gouache paints for my birthday after I enjoyed sharing Lauren's when I visited her in Dublin last month, and I've been having a wonderful time getting to grips with them...
And also... NOT getting to grips with them (still entirely incapable of depicting people in any kind of way that's not awful). Davey came out on one of my long Charlie walks with me, and even though I actually don't mind the solitude of my daily striding, it is nice to occasionally have a companion.
Feel free to steal this incredibly refined and complex recipe in order to impress your friends. (It is REALLY nice)
Anyway, sorry if some of that was a bit heavy. I'll be okay. There's so much potential spanning out in front of me. Although I'm still hurting, and heartaching as I watch Alex try and wrestle their own life into some kind of positive future, I truly believe that we'll both be okay. We just need time. More time.
