November 2019

It's winter all of a sudden but YO I'm NOT SAD (yet?!)

I've been keeping very (too?) busy with lots of nice things. My friend Paul came to visit from Manchester and we grabbed a spare hour to wander round the Barbican (he is a mine of Barbican architectural trivia so this was an excellent choice)

This feels like a very long time ago now, but at the start of November I was still STRESSING about finding a new housemate. We met lots of people. Some we liked. Some we disliked. Everyone in the process flailing wildly. I never want to have to log on to Spareroom ever again.

I wanted this to be a drawing about trains but it turned into a drawing about trees. There's a small park near my house with train lines on every side and I like to stand in it and watch the trains go by all at once. The trees look real good right now too. So I got distracted.

Both unethical and egotistical, yes.

Thankfully, TABITHA! She is great and she is going to move in with us in early December and I'm so glad to (mostly) not have to panic about this any more.

Went to my Gran's ashes scattering, which is a strange old thing. The actual process of it is super weird (like there's so MUCH?!) and there's like this special sprinkler that looked incredibly satisfying to use. It was kind of windy and the creamtorium lady got lots of it over her wellies. Then she read a poem and I cried even though I didn't want to, just POEMS right?! (Well, good poems anyway, I am generally a notorious poetry hater).

Afterwards me, my mum, my aunts and cousins went for afternoon tea and cake at my Gran's favourite garden centre (v v gran activity) and looked at loads of old family pictures together (All the ones my gran had had stashed away in her flat). There were some of her in her early twenties on a boat to Africa which I'd never seen before. It was kind of impossible to imagine her younger than me, having such adventures.

Afterwards me and mum went back to her flat and I got to take away a few things from her belongings that I liked and wanted. Just a few small things.

Back in June, I (politely) gatecrashed a party at the house of some very cool people, and then proceeded to leave my scarf there. 4 months later, awkwardly went and got it back (they had very kindly kept hold of it for me). It was my all time favourite scarf and I am DELIGHTED. To celebrate, went for A++ bao with my old uni friend Michael and his partner Marius, and then TRIED to do some christmas shopping but just ended up buying myself a lovely skirt, oh dear

The next day me and Charlie went to Worthing to see our friends Heidi, and Harriet and Tom (and their new baby son Max). For a long time while I was trying to decide where to move from Hebden Bridge, Worthing was pretty high on the list... I love being by the sea, I have friends there, it's close to Brighton (more friends, and work), and London... I may yet end up living there if I have to leave London for any reason. It was a gloriously sunny day, and I had a bit of a moment while walking along the pier (which I entirely managed to suppress because just CRYING spontaneously in a social situation is kind of uncool)... It occured to me that I hadn't felt this 'okay' since January, when I was walking along a similar pier in Santa Monica, in LA. Between then, and now, it has been months of heartbreak and sadness and challenge and anxiety. But... I made it through. And now I'm back on a pier, in the sun, on the other side of the world, in kind company, with my sweet dog, and I'm going to be okay.

Talking of America, I AM DOING THE THING. The USA has my heart, and when I got back in January, I promised myself that come hell or high water I would spend the next Christmas/NY there (knowing, as I then did, that my relationship with Ava was ending, so the following Christmas would likely be a bit painful and maybe lonely). I didn't quite know where, or how, or exactly when, but the pieces have fallen together and I am going to spend the greater part of a month in Boston (Dec 16 – Jan 14), apartment/cat-sitting for my lovely friend Deb while she's away.
I am hugely looking forwards to just... existing. I will hopefully be working for much of the time, being cosy indoors, eating lots of delicious food, catching up on personal projects, being at peace with solitude, and taking some time off from walking Charlie. (One of the hardest parts of organising the whole trip was finding Charlie care for a month, and my eternal gratitude goes to my friend Beck and friend/former neighbour Caroline, both back in Hebden Bridge, who will both be giving Charlie their love in my absence)

I find buying flights INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL and clicking the 'book' button is very tense. Did I mess this up?! Did I get the wrong dates?! Am I accidentally flying to the wrong location?! Let's hope not...

Borrow my Doggy friends continue to be an incredible support with Charlie while I'm here in London, but most of the time I just take him with me as much as I can, to give his clever little brain and body the exercise they need and deserve every day. He comes to Brighton with me for work days and he's so patient with all the faff that involves. My sweet boy.

Just an autumnal reminder. (I am so scared about the election)

A work meeting opposite another lovely brutalist building

It's about 45 minutes away, but a nice long walk for Charlie is up to Hyde Park. I am so lucky that I can walk to Hyde Park from my house.

One thing I think about a lot (ironically) is how LITTLE I now think about the rain. I cannot overstate what a huge difference the weather here has made to my mood. Sometimes I'll just be out walking in the park and I'll be like 'hey, it hasn't rained this week' and I feel deep contentment. On the days it does rain, even if I get a bit wet, it just stops later. And then it's over for a while. Maybe even a week, or two weeks. This is SO GOOD for me.

Went on a Tinder date. Felt nothing. Sorry Jake.

Went to see Oscar Jerome with Hasib. It was a great show and kind of nice to have company (I almost always go to shows alone)... It's nice to be hugged and it's nice to have someone to chat to in between sets and it's nice to have a friend on the trains home, but he talked during the music and I'm sorry but I shut that shit RIGHT down because there's no fuckin way I'm tolerating a gig talker. (I actually told him to shush which made me feel like an enormous dick but come on my dude, you're ruining it for everyone)

So many good sticks

My friend Jenny came for dinner and she bought amazing cakes. I hadn't seen her in about 3 years and it was such a joy to catch up!

Went to the Olafur Eliasson exhibiton at Tate Modern with Michael and Lyall and it genuinely was every bit as good as I'd hoped and I didn't even resent the ridiculously high entry fee!

Went on another date. (I've basically entirely switched my dating-app alliegances to OkCupid now — I was on there back in 2011-ish, it was good then and it's still good now. Seriously, after a few weeks on Tinder, switching to this was like BABE CENTRAL. There were genuinely so few even vaguely attractive people on Tinder, my swipe ratio was about 1/100... On OkCupid it's closer to 1/10, how is it so much better?!?!)

Anyway, S is one of these total babes and we chatted on Whatsapp a LOT in the run up to the date... normally I don't neccesarily want that until I've met someone and established whether I liked them, but conversation just flowed very easily between us (Though they have a very dry sense of humour I guess, and I can be quite cheery and earnest, so I feel like both of us took a while to figure each other out, but in a fun way?)

We actually met in Green Park to have a stroll with Charlie, and were having such a nice time that we got some lunch? And were still presumably having such a nice time (I was anyway, I assume they were too), that we carried on walking a bit? And still having a nice enough time that they accepted my invite to come back to mine for tea (just tea!! It's a first date!)

Anyway, afterwards they said they liked me but not romantically, and would just like to be friends, which actually was... fine? I REALLY liked them but hadn't quite figured out in my mind whether that was a 'I'm super hot for you' crush or a 'I really wanna be your friend' crush, so having them define the terms is useful I guess. I felt slightly deflated because often when people say 'let's be friends' after a date they mean 'let's never see each other or speak again' (goodness knows I've done it), so I wondered if that would be the situation here, but we have continued talking a lot, and are meeting up again this week, so... friendship? I hope?!

They might be my favourite new person I've met since coming to London in the sense of just feeling a solid, comfortable contentment in their company with no need to try and be something I'm not, or manage any kind of expectations, which means a lot.

The following day, all of Charlie's walks were taken care of by kind other people, and while my instinct when this happens is usually 'what fun thing shall I go and do?!?!' I decided it would be good for me to spend some time quietly at home, sitting still, napping, drawing, lying in bed and generally being cosy and contented in my own company.

Since being in London I've been feeling the need to be social as much as I can... And I guess I've been wondering why this is. Is it just a natural reaction to being close to so many friends and such a huge and incredibly diverse population of people to meet? Or am I doing this because, deep down, there is an emptiness and a loneliness that I am desperately trying to fill? I haven't quite figured it out but I'm hoping it's the former.

Anyway, I spent Sunday entirely alone, except also, not, because I am so lucky that I do have so many people in my life at the moment, and every time my phone buzzes (which is a lot right now?!) I am happy and excited to see who it might be. These were all the people I talked to that day.

Another thing I've been wrestling with alongside being social, is my creative/work life. Because I've been so busy doing FUN LONDON STUFF, my personal work has entirely taken a back seat, and even when I have tried to carve out time to make something, my energy and motivation has been entirely absent. I have been sustaining my work commitments (though more on that later), but I feel like I don't have anything else in me right now. I've never experienced such a... void... before. I'm really hoping it's temporary and not permenant. I found myself asking the question 'when's the last time you made something you were proud of', and in an attempt to answer that, tried to do a challenging self portrait (both in terms of pose and media), and it came out quite well, which heartened me.

Went to see Oliver Coates at the Jazz cafe. I was very tired and the support acts were terrible (one actually terrible, one just not to my taste), but I'm glad I went because hot damn I love a cello.

As well as my creative work, another area I've been struggling with since moving is cooking. Well, kind of. I've actually been eating really well, and quite happily, but I've just been making very simple meals, nothing that takes more than about 5 minutes of prep. A rice bowl with tofu, steamed green vegetables and some pickles. Pasta with pesto and veg and maybe a sprinkling of nuts. Freezer potato waffles with veg and a pie and gravy. Like, lovely, reasonably balanced, wholesome, easy food, which I am enjoying. But it doesn't feel like 'cooking'. And I used to love cooking. I hope the desire will come back. It's easier to be motivated when people are visiting though, and I made a (if I say so myself) very good sweet potato, spinach and peanut stew with lemon and coriander cous cous for me and Rosie, before she flew off on her hols, and it felt good to make a nice thing and share it.

Went on another date (look dating is super fun and weird okay, I am doing the thinggggg)
Cosmin is a Romanian AI researcher and... I like him?! Like, I didn't have any intense crush feelings, but I just... warmed to him. I think he might be a bit too clever for me (I know that's a mean thing to say about oneself but look, he's a very clever man), but I find myself wanting to hang out with him a bit more and get to know him better, which he also seems amenable to doing, so that's nice.

Went to temple of capitalism, Westfields Shepherds Bush to have another go at Christmas shopping. Mostly succeded. Was amused by this interaction with the very young sales guy in John Lewis.

So yeah, one other slight cloud on my horizon is work stuff.
I think I talked about this in a previous blog, but to say it again I guess... Since I started freelancing properly around 3 years ago, I've not had a quiet moment. I know freelancing is ebbs and flows by its nature, but I'd only had the flows! I was constantly busy to the point of struggling, but that's the way I like it!

However, since moving to London, for no apparent reason, that lull has come. I haven't (to my knowledge!) lost any clients, they've just been sending me less work than usual, for whatever reasons, that are all entirely out of my hands.

My October was quiet, and I got scared. My November has been busy and productive, yay! But at this stage, my December looks quiet, and I have spent much of today being anxious about that, and trying to figure out what to do to fix this.

Previously, my current base of clients has always been more than enough to sustain me, so I've been loathe to start hollering too loudly about taking on anyone new in case I bite off more than I can chew, but this last week one very long-term project (and so, client) came to an end, which realistially means I can and should look for new people to work with.

Do you need graphic design or illustration work doing? Somehow, at this point, I have like a decade of experience, which is vaguely disconcerting to realise. I'm quite good at graphic design. I can do a nice drawing as long as it's not of horses or hands or people. Please let me know if any of this would be useful to you, and you can pay me, so I can stop panicking.

Because I love London way too much. It's like a passionate, all-consuming, butterflies in stomach new love, as well as a comforting, constant, steady old friend I have returned to. I have never been happier anywhere else and I need to make sure I never have to leave.

Fingers crossed for a busy December, in both work and ongoing adventures...

October 2019

October has been... a whirlwind. Emotionally, practically, everythingly. It's hard to believe it's all one month. Is this what life in London is like? I think I'm into it? Maybe?

Here's a lot.

One strange, but sweet feature of life here so far has been a regular stream of new and recurring Borrow my doggy 'dates'. Borrow my doggy is a truly wonderful app that connects people who wish they could have a dog with people who have a dog and need hellllpppp (like me). Charlie is the best boy and his companionship is so important to me, especially when everything else in life is changing. But equally, a lot of London life is not entirely dog friendly, and sometimes finding the time to work, walk him 2 or 3 hours a day, AND do anything else feels like a challenge. And that's where the wonderful gang of Borrow my Doggy pals I've somehow built up just this month come in. Gabe, Becca, Alice, Megan, Annie and Brooke are all incredibly kind, sweet, enthusiastic folks who LOVE the boy (and the boy seems to love them), who have enabled me to have rich and wonderful adventures while still coming home to the (tired, contented, well-exercised) boy every night, not to mention providing occasional emotional and friendly support to me personally as well. I am inordinately thankful for them.

The start of the month featured a bit of a quiet, slow, intense crisis about my work and my art. Perhaps I'm burnt out. Perhaps I spent the last three years working too hard and am not even sure if I enjoy what I do any more. One stress at the end of September/start of October was that my freelance work suddenly and unexpectedly almost completely dried up, which was terrifying practically, but also gave me some entirely unwelcome breathing space to really think about what I do. I got a bit scared. But I'm so tired. I've had so much change. I just need to be with the feelings for a bit and see where I come out the other side (while trying to continue in the work I *do* have, and so appreciate)

I walked though Camden on my way to a thing. Teenage Emma loved Camden.

And then, my love. Alfred is here for the briefest moment. I meet him at Heathrow and we immediately get the train up to Leeds for a show that night. It's been so long since we were last together, but it's always easy with him. And always an adventure. And we're always sleepy. But that's okay.

The next morning, we're up so early in Leeds, and straight back down to London for 24rpm festival, a strange electronic music festival in a Covent Garden church. I sit in the pews all day and plough through nearly half of the new Phillip Pullman book while being serenaded with such sounds. Alfred to and fro, soundchecking, being helpful, playing, discretely sleeping off jetlag next to me (his ability to sleep in incredibly loud places is perpetual amazement to me). We get to stroll Covent Garden a little too, vintage stores and delicious food and the most beautiful independent fancy stationery store. The whole thing is a joy.

The next morning, hey guess what, back to the other end of the country to Manchester, for a show at my old favourite haunt, the Soup Kitchen. I love the backstage space there, it's grimy and cosy and plastered with such beautiful posters. I've been seeing Alfred for two years now (though he has been in my life since way back in 2013, one way or another), but being in his presence is never taken for granted, and getting to travel with him such a privilege and a joy. This trip so short and such jetlag, but magic as always.

And then, we're up, at 6am. Everything's hazy, we're on more trains, and then he's gone.

In something of a haze of FEELS, I go back and buy the most beautiful vintage coat which we saw in Covent Garden which costs nearly an entire month's food budget. (I have no regrets, it is perfect)

And then I return to reality. A reality which, admittedly, is much happier than much of this last year has been, but feels messy, and unformed, and confusing, and sometimes lonely, and sometimes hard work. It's around this time that my housemate (and old school friend who I moved down here to live with), tells me that he has to move out in December. And I am, briefly, crushed.

I truly did not want to live with two strangers. (Beatrice is not a stranger any more admittedly, but still, I have only known her under a month). But I'm going to have to find a new housemate and this is deeply deeply stressful to me. What if I misjudge and they're awful and I feel driven out of this house I love and can't find anywhere else to live in London where I can have Charlie?! My brain spirals but hey, at least I'm not having an existential crisis about my professional career any more?! (I still entirely am)

I meet Borrow My Doggy date Megan. She tells me a lot about her life and I tell her a lot about mine, and I cry, a little. I go out for dinner with my friend Zoe and I cry a little more. I'm so lonely. (But less so, after this day)

I go to my friend Lauren's wonderful London Illustrators meet up, but feel too stressed and socially inept and unqualified to even call myself an illustrator so I mostly hide and do bad drawings of people with crayons which were bought along for children to use (and a lovely blackwing pencil lent to me by another attendee). I accidentally spill a drink over someone and leave in a cloud of shame and self-loathing.

I find myself in a Waitrose for the first time in years and get entirely carried away. DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS, VEGANS HAVE IT ALL NOW

At the height of my low mood, I decide, what better time than now to join Tinder?
All the men are truly terrible and it's hilarious. (And rejecting them all genuinely does lift my mood, somehow)

Amidst my somewhat dry spell of work, I recieve a truly wonderful commission from climate change charity Possible (formerly known as 10:10). They ask me to produce a series of ten illustrations about some of their radical ideas to fight climate change (you can see them here), and it's such a joy to work on something so fun for such a good client. They have a (re)launch party to celebrate their new name at the Royal Institution. My friend Charlotte comes along and we have a jolly evening of vegan canapes, passionate/positive/angry/encouraging speakers, meeting interesting people, and all set in the most incredibly beautiful space.
There was something incredibly poignant about being sat in exactly the same lecture theatre where John Tyndall stood in 1859 and told his attending fellow scientists that he had discovered that CO2 captures heat. And now hearing how incredibly badly we have failed to deal with the consequences of that discovery, and various speakers wrestling with potential ways in which we could still, maybe, possibly, save ourselves.

This is a bad drawing but noteworthy — I started running again! And it is a JOY. Battersea Park is flat, it only rains in London like... once a week?! And then only for a little while?! There's no mud and uneven surfaces and I actually... enjoy it?! For now, anyway. I think Charlie's happy too. I haven't run for well over a year now, but starting again is a lot easier than it was last time.

I went down to Brighton for work for the day. And I felt good. It's so nice to be close again. I'll always love u, Brighton.

Me and my long-time friend Heidi went to see the Takis exhibition at Tate Modern. It was fascinating and all the better for me because I'd never been to Tate Modern at night before. It was a place I visited almost every time me and my mum came to London when I was a kid, and it felt so magical to just... roll up. After work. See some art. Have a lovely dinner. And then hop on a train and be home in my own bedroom within half an hour. I am so incredibly lucky.

I'm also much closer to Chichester where my parents live now, and my mum was able to come and visit for the day too. We had lunch at one of my absolute favourite spots.

Okay I said all the Tinder boys were awful but this one wasn't. So I went on a date with him. I'm sad my drawing of him is bad because he is in fact a beautiful man, and very sweet, but I found myself... confused. He seems great, but... I don't know. Maybe it's him? He has his flaws (who doesn't) and maybe I'm not ready to wrestle with a new person's flaws yet. Maybe I like the idea of dating more than the practice of it? I joined Tinder while I was at a low, lonely ebb, but every time I try and imagine a partner coming into my life, into my space, it feels intrusive. After so long living with a partner, maybe it's nice to have everything exactly my way. I have drifted into my solitary routines with such soothing sweetness, maybe I need to exist in them a while longer, alone.

I go and visit my friend Lucy (aka Marmor Paperie) to chat about a potential shared project (and also life catchup!) Her studio is in Deptford, which involved me catching a train from Waterloo to London Bridge. It glides slowly through the heart of the city, through the most incredible and beautiful diversity of architectural age and styles. It is so sublime and I vow to try and capture it later, but can barely do justice. (I dig out some old offcuts of marbling Lucy gave me ages ago to add)

I go on a second date with Hasib. He was nice and it seems rude not to, even though I'm pretty certain I don't want to be romantically involved with him. AND YET

Last lawn-mow of the year? Battersea Park is so beautiful.

I go on another Tinder date. You know, just for calibration purposes. Edward is nice but I don't fancy him. Am vaguely reassured that I'm not just going to fancy every person I go on a date with.

I hate Karaoke, but somehow Wes makes it good. Wes and George are two wonderful friends of mine who have (platonically) lived together for at least 5 or 6 years, and their three houses have been the most wonderful safe spaces for me the entire time. I have experienced a huge spectrum of emotions on their iconic sofa, across their various kitchen tables, and am always assured at least one of them's wise and sympathetic ears, and probably some exotic vegan treats from the other side of the world, courtesy of Wes. They're parting amicably to move on to new things, but I feel a twinge of sadness that this will be the last Voss-Goatley mansions gathering.

I stay late at the party and blissfully enjoy my clocks-change extra hour of sleep, as Charlie has a sleepover with his Borrow My Doggy pal Gabe. Like literally I CANNOT OVERSTATE how wonderful it was to be able to stay in bed later than 8.30am.

Hasib comes over for dinner, and I make... choices. 😬

Heidi and Rosie come over for the Bake-off final — we have delicious Indian takeaway and catch up on our respective HOT GOSS 😬

One of the things I was most excited about being in London for was live music. Unfortunately most of the fun stuff seems to be all the way over in East London, which is a bit of a mission, but worth it for this INCREDIBLE show. Colin Stetson somehow manages to make saxaphones produce about five different sounds at once, and I was enraptured for the entire hour he played, I've never seen anything quite like it. (My friend Kier was there too, which was a bonus. I've got so used to always going to shows alone, it's nice to live in a city that maybe contains some people who share my taste)

My friend Dan texted to say he was off work and in my area and would I like to hang. We took the boy for a walk and had some... unusual... vegan fish and chips. It was so nice to see him, and I really am feeling warmed with having caught up with so many lovely folks this week/month.

London is where so many people I care about are, and although it does take an effort to actually get to those people sometimes, it's so worth it. I started the month feeling a bit lost and lonely and unsure whether I'd even ever see anyone, and I'm feeling a lot less lost now.