In some ways I guess March is the best month of the year, because a) it is the month of my birth, and b) it's the month we finally start to come out of winter (in theory). I've definitely been feeling a lightening of mood, anyway...
I started my March with a Samaritans night shift (2.30 – 6.30am), and because of the tube strikes, I had to walk much of the way home. It was kind of nice walking through drizzly Soho streets and across Green Park, in the early hours before most people got moving.
In the first of three 'Emma's bodily modification' features this month, I now have a BIONIC MOUTH!! I mean, having to get a crown kind of isn't ideal, and it felt weird for ages afterwards (like, nearly the entire month). Plus it's super temperature sensitive so things like soup and ice cream are no fun any more unless I'm very careful. But it is still KINDA cool to look at. (Though it's right at the back so no one can see it)... Overall 5/10 experience, would not recommend. I did appreciate the craftsmanship and technical skill that went into making and fitting it though.
Another tattoo! This one was with the incredible Anya Tsyna, and it's a piece of malachite on my lower arm. I've loved her work for ages, especially her gemstone pieces. I opted for malachite because it's long been my favourite stone and I always feel drawn to it when I see it IRL. I also later learned it was historically mined from the Great Orme near where I grew up in North Wales! She did a beautiful job and it was again a pleasure to experience such craft and skill.
This is the biggest one though. Literally and metaphorically. This is something that has been in my mind for a number of years, and in the works for a number of months, but I didn't want to talk about it publicly until I was absolutely sure it was happening, and now I am.
On April 27th, I'm having top surgery — or perhaps more accurately, (as I'm not trans), an 'almost total breast reduction', which is what it says on the documentation.
I have hated my breasts pretty much ever since they got bigger than a C cup, when I was aged around 13. They now hover at between a G and H cup depending on my overall weight. They are, frankly, a blight. They're heavy, painful, and though I have been assured by friends and lovers over the years that they are both desirable and enviable, my response to that has basically always been 'well you take them then'.
I've always known breast reduction was an option, but it always seemed like I'd be spending a lot of money to... still have boobs. It was only as I was fortunate enough to get to know some trans and non-binary people who were undergoing top surgery that I came to understand what I truly wanted, which was just a totally (or nearly totally) flat chest.
Of course I've had to do a lot of soul searching. As they're not sufficiently big to qualify for NHS treatment, this is essentially cosmetic surgery. Is it worth it?! Don't I just need to suck it up and deal with them? Also... AM I trans?! This was a question a lot of people asked me when I was discussing it. I have taken a long, hard look at my own gender, but have fairly firmly come to peace with the fact that I am just a woman who hates boobs.
During the pandemic, like a lot of other people, I got to spend a lot of time in my own company and my own head, and, crucially, my own body. I'm in my mid 30s now. I inch my savings up year by year, but I've long come to peace with the fact that I'm going to renting for most of the rest of my life. But my body is the home I have to live in every day — why shouldn't I spend some (a large 'some') of my hard earned savings on making it a body that can run faster, jump higher, and breathe more freely?!
So there it is. My surgery is on April 27th, which means that next time I write to you, it will be done. (And I may not be able to even do next month's blog on time if I'm still in a bit of a state...) I am both excited and terrified. I've never had a general anaesthetic before, and also... it is going to hurt. But I can't wait for my recovery to be over, so that I can begin the rest of my life of BOOBLESS FREEDOM!!
Anyway, having said that winter is over, it's still very cold.
A few months ago, my cousin broke up with her first boyfriend. I felt her pain acutely (we've all been there), and asked her family what sort of thing might be a cute outing to cheer her up. We somehow came round to the zoo, which I felt kinda weird about as a vegan, but also secretly kind of excited about. I don't like seeing the big mammals like lions and tigers, but I DO love seeing all the weird small buddies. Anyway at the time, her brother got COVID so she had to isolate and couldn't come, so we rescheduled it for her 21st birthday. Which was nice as it was more spring-like, and she was probably in a better frame of mind to enjoy it!
Saw loads of cool buddies, anyway. Probably won't go back in a hurry but it was a nice (if expensive) time.
Some days it be like that
Managed to persuade two of my smartest friends to come out for Ethiopian food with me, in the hope that hearing them talk about all their interesting work would motivate me to start thinking harder about my practice again, post MA. I feel like I should be doing more interesting, research-led work off the back of my studies, but lots of people are paying me money to do more mundane (but fun) work, and I am very tired. So I don't think I'm going to be getting my big thinking brain back on any time soon. It was nice to see my friends and eat a tasty food though.
It's smear test time! As a person with a vagina, you have one of these every three years from age 25 to 64. That means you'll probably have 12 or 13 in total, in your entire life. I'm on my fourth now. Time flies eh
(I still like trains)
I had a lovely time visiting Cambridge for the first time... and basically seeing none of Cambridge at all, as I was entirely there to help me friends Lily and Hazel de-clutter their house. I actually really love doing this kind of work, and regularly have clear outs of my own stuff, so it was really fun to (collaboratively) be let loose on someone else's house. (So if you ever need that kind of help, call me?! I'm like a rowdier Marie Kondo but still very gentle I promise)
The other good thing about March is beautiful blossom season!
One of my main motivations for the gym (which I hadn't mentioned before) is to try and lose weight before my surgery, as surgical outcomes are better if you're in good shape. I am making very slow progress on that front, but I am kind of having a nice time now I've stopped going on the treadmill (which is the worst, especially with boobs like these)
Spen made a 'bad' dinner
Here's a hilariously anti-climactic end to my pandemic day counting, the moment when I realised I have at some point skipped like 200 days, LOLLLL
(Seriously though, there is still a pandemic on)
VERY BIG NEWS for vegan cheese fans!! (There is also vegan Primula, not pictured!)
One of my MA tutors, Tony, was really keen on the idea of launching a small press as part of our course. He was determined that our cohort should be the ones to finally get it up and running, and recruited a group of us who were excited about the idea to do the neccesary legwork — making a few publications, creating a brand, and generally bringing the whole thing into existence. TBH I didn't really have that much time to devote to it alongside my studies and my work-work, but the one thing I did mostly lead on was running a workshop at our final event for the next year's cohort, in which they created, (in black and white), three layered artworks ready for riso print. I and the rest of the press team promised to print these and bind them into a zine. Tony agreed that we could come back in early 2022 to use the riso machine to do this. It would be a super cute collaborative project that would also serve to teach the incoming project about how the riso machine works.
However, 2022 rolls around... and someone's in holiday in Thailand for all of Jan, so can we do Feb? Sure, but then the riso ran out of masters and Tony couldn't get any more for ages, so suddenly it's March. And then, well, you know the pain of trying to get anything more than two people to agree on a date. Plus I am becoming increasingly conscious that it's basically just me pushing for this to happen. Maybe no one else cares? Maybe I am really annoying and they all hate the whatsapp group and wish I'd shut up about the damn project and let it drop?
But look, I did the workshop and I follow through on my projects, damn it! So we eventually agreed that a few of us would come in on this Friday, but then literally no one else showed up. (I actually don't care that much because I don't think any of them really like me and mostly I just wanna have fun printing by myself anyway 🙃)
So I got everything set up (very fiddly), and then a pipe burst in the building and we were all evacuated and not allowed back in for FIVE DAYS, and the whole thing was just deeply, deeply annoying
Mmmmmm weekend
Sorry I'm really bad at drawing anime style characters, but here's a Howl/Spen fan art as we continue working our way through the Studio Ghibli movies
Camille bought her girlfriend over and she was also nice! They baked a cake and we played a boardgame! The dream, tbh
Believe me, I've been doing a lot of 'if I hold my boobs like this can I imagine them gone?' exercises in front of the mirror, and I am afraid the answer is 'no, not really'
Finally got back into the riso room to pick up where I left off.
(Made this out of some nice test sheets from the scrap paper pile)
Bought myself a super cute stretchy, backless jumpsuit, in readiness for summer/boob-free life
Really really enjoyed the Francis Bacon show at the RA. I've loved his work for years but never had the pleasure of seeing so much of it all at once. There were also a lot of pieces I'd never seen before, and one of the things I was most struck by were some of his colour combinations. Here's a (bad) self portrait inspired by the show...
BIRTHDAY! Had just an unequivocally nice day. Train to Brighton with my pal Lucy, bought a cute jumpsuit, delicious lunch at fancy Terre a Terre, finally got a haircut with my fav hairdresser, then ice cream with my pal Zöe, and train home again. Sunshine! Sea! Friends! Couldn't ask for more tbh.
To prolong the birthday fun, took my partner out for fancy lunch to middle eastern place Bubala. It was extremely delicious and expensive!
Chase's old bed was old and tired, so we bought her a new one with sides, and she LOVES it. Like, the amount she loves it is genuinely moving. I'm not sure I've ever seen a dog so cosy. She's a perfect angel and she finally has the bed she deserves.
Spent the morning working on a really intricate, fiddly, brain-tiring brochure for one client, then spent the afternoon labouring away in the riso room again, then went for ramen dinner with Heidi and Rosie and felt very OLD and TIRED. I am kind of at peace with continuing to feel old and tired for most of April, then feeling old, tired, AND in large amounts of pain for most of May, but then June, WATCH OUT, I will be back on my culture and socialising game (maybe)
Work has been really busy this month, but I'm mostly having a really nice time?! I have a lot of good clients who are paying me well to do fun work, which is basically the freelance dream. Long may it continue this way, even if I am maybe having to work a little harder than I might like!
Me at the start of this blog: "March is basically summer!"
Me at the end of this blog: "It is snowing"
Roll on April and a sunny, boob-free future.
No comments:
Post a Comment