August 2019

I've been feeling okay this month, for the most part. More than I have for a while. I feel like my visual diaries might have got quite insular because I've just been... thinking about that, quite a lot I guess, maybe at the expense of more interesting things... I don't know.

I started the month a little wistful though. Our wonderful friend Davey moved back to Montana at the very end of July... He'd been such a wonderful source of friendship and company and for most of this year, and suddenly just NOT having him there, felt like a big void.

But you know, it stopped raining, for a moment, and that was nice. (Drew myself first and was like 'yeah that's kind of cute' then drew Charlie and was like 'hahahahaha I fucked that up')

Amy and Joe came to visit from Leeds and it was lovely. We had momos and a catch-up, and I'm going to really miss them!

And the next day Matthew and Claire came to visit from Manchester which was ALSO lovely, but apparently the main thing I was focussed on come visual diary time was what a bloody nightmare getting those weird ikea screws out was, having spent over an hour with my friend Alice trying to disassemble my wardrove to give to her (we managed eventually) (but I am never buying an ikea flatpack again)

It's been a weird kind of summer. Maybe the worst summer I've ever had? Definitely the feelsiest summer I've ever had.

Not all bad feels though.

And while the sun's out, I get my arms and legs out, and I walk, and I feel contented. And I see pairs of magpies, foraging in the fields in the warmth.

And then it's raining again. And I see a single magpie eating roadkill.

It kept raining and I felt the desperate need to get out of the valley, so I got the train to Halifax and had some non-lard chips and curry in the rain while listening to a man play sad piano (and.... it was good?!)

It's still raining. I walk grumpily in it for a couple of hours and then I come home and work determinedly for the rest of the day, because this is all I can do to make myself feel optimistic.

Have I ever mentioned how great Dav* is? (*My bff/housemate Justin's partner)

He's a wonderful person who is both hilariously funny and incredibly kind and sweet and caring, and I'm going to miss seeing him every weekend SO much. This is a tiny silly tribute to him.

Dav made us a Jam Roly Poly and it was GREAT. I told Alfred about it on the phone later and that's how I learned that in America, roly polys are woodlice, and how he learnt that in the UK, roly polys are forward rolls (And a kind of pudding) (But in America pudding means something different as well). Isn't language weird.

Bloody hell, me and the boy had a BAD NIGHT.

So there have been a few rats seen on the street, and one neighbour even had one in her house. There was a massive one dead in the road the day before, so... I had rat anxiety on my mind.

I didn't go to bed until quite late, and only slept until about 2am, when... Charlie came to get me?! That basically never happens (I think he's come up once before in the night in the whole time I've had him), so I assumed he needed a wee, and took him out. He had a small wee and then was ready to come in again, so I was like 'huh, okay'... Sent him back to bed in the living room and he was weirdly reticent about going in... In my sleepy brain state, I was like FUCK there's a RAT in here somewhere, and was suddenly horrified. But I didn't know what to do, so I apologised to the dog and went back to bed, but lay awake for another hour worrying and listening. (This house makes SO many noises)

Just as I was about to drop off at around 3am, the boy came up AGAIN and I was like 'aaaaargh, what ISSSSSS ITTT' but went down with him and couldn't find anything scary, but was still convinced in my own mind it was a rat hiding somewhere. Lay awake for another couple of hours and could hear the boy pacing around anxiously downstairs. He came back up at 5am so I took him out again just in case, and it was only THEN that he had a horrible upset tummy poo, and then trotted back over quite happily and got back into his bed completely contentedly, and I was like 'WHY DIDN'T YOU DO YOUR POO WHEN I TOOK YOU OUT AT 2AM', and felt terrible for not realising what was wrong (and so proud of him for not pooping in the house even though he obviously needed to go so badly). So I finally went to sleep at about 5am and then got up for my alarm and 7am, and lo, it was AWFUL.

And ridiculously annoyingly that day was a day I'd been looking forwards to for ages, because I was going into Leeds to have vegan fish and chips and a sleepover at my friends Daisy and Ferg's place, and to see Battles at the Brudenell. And I was SO TIRED, but I did still manage to have fun. (I'm trying to see as many of my Manchester/Leeds friends as I can in this month or so before I go)

I GOT TO MEET MAGID MAGID!
One of my favourite politicians out there, his politics are sound and he's super cool, EXTREMELY RARE. He was doing a little mini-tour of Calderdale now that he's our MEP. It was absolutely chucking it down with rain (lol, surprise), so his event in Hebden Bridge was rained off, but by chance I bumped into him while he was doing a mini-tour of the town hall. (Along with one other guy, who struggled to comprehend that he has the same last name and first name)

As well as seeing my friends before I go, I've also been trying to see all the places I'd wanted to get to... This weekend I finally got over to Southport (having been repeatedly prevented this summer by rain), as part of my ongoing mission to visit all of the UK's pleasure piers. Southport pier is a good 'un — the UK's second longest pier (although I thought that was a it of a con, as loads of it just runs over land), and the UK's oldest iron pier. It also had an incredible collection of functioning vintage slot machines at the end, and a cafe where you could buy a vegan magnum. Excellent work all round.
I took Charlie with me and he was a very brave train boy on the 1hr 45min journey on rattly Northern trains, and got to have a nice run on the beach,

Did I ever mention he's the sweetest?

Honestly, the rain here feels spiteful sometimes.

I walked Charlie to the vet for his annual vaccinations (in the rain, obvs). There was a fire at the much-loved (but latterly derelict) old Walkley Clogs mill last month, and it's now having to be demolished. As I was passing I saw this workman and took a picture, because something about his resting pose and the contrast of his high-vis against the background of crumbling mill seemed very appealing and evocative to me, so I tried to paint it later.

We finally had the summer's second sunny-couple-of-days in a row!

I went for a very long walk and got my belly out, and felt good again. Drew this using the beautiful yellow safflower ink Carolyn gifted me on my visit to Birmingham last month.

I JUST WANT TO BE WARM

Went on another long (and new!) walk to make the most of the weather. I love these mirrors.

Extremely excited that Bake Off is back, and very much enjoyed watching the first episode with Justin and Dav.

Ava got in contact with me for the first time since June, which was a weird feeling. I'd got to the point where I really didn't want to hear from them (ever?), but they were asking if they could see Charlie, which made me happy. An ongoing source of deep sadness for me had been the fact that they hated the thought of having to interact with me more than they loved Charlie, because I know how much they loved Charlie. And it was a lot.

They asked if Charlie could have a sleepover with them, which was a lovely idea, and so he did. And it's ridiculous, because it was only one night, but I really missed him. He curls up with me most evenings while we watch TV and I really felt his absence.

Sat at home drawing and feeling wistful. A hazy warm evening, and the sound of samba drums echoing up the valley — every Wednesday evening since we've lived here, their distinctive sound can be heard. We always call it 'drums night', and laugh about how it sort of signified the passing of time for us — 'how is it drums night again?' etc... It's a very specific sound and a very specific shared experience with Ava and Justin. Those two who have been my closest friends/family for the last 5, 6, 7 years?

It's an ending, and it's a sadness. It's the right thing but it still makes my heart ache with loss, as I sit and listen to the drums in this beautiful house that I thought I'd always dreamt of, that somehow never felt like home.

The extreme amount of heavy rain coupled with warm temperatures means that slugs have been having a field day, and it is NOT COOL (I am very cool with Lizzo though, and this track is great)

Much though I'm happy to be leaving, there are several foody treats that I will genuinely miss. If you're ever visiting Hebden Bridge, my recommends:

Tibetan Kitchen — veggie momos. Divine tibetan chilli dumplings served with a beautifully flavourful chilli sauce. 6 in a box but sometimes the guy gives you 7 if he likes you.

Blue (Japanese) — Pumpkin katsu curry (their sushi is great too). For ages I didn't really eat there because they couldn't make their katsu vegan, but they finally figured out a way to batter the pumpkin without egg, and they've totally nailed it.

Pennine Provisions — 'Death by chocolate' Torte. Just a great little food shop, but they have some fresh stuff including cakes, and this chocolate torte is PERFECT. Subtly gingery spiced soft biscuit base, and rich, thick chocolatey torte later, sublime.

Origano — pizza. This place is NEW, and finally there's a place in Hebden doing pizzas with vegan cheese! I had one for the first time last night and that was what prompted this diary, because it was perfect.

JK's — Chinese. Oh JK, I WILL MISS U SO MUCH. (Legit the best Chinese place I've ever been)

So... As of today, we've had an offer on the house. It seemed like the housing market was very slow and there was no interest at all, but this week a lovely lady and her family have been to visit a few times, and they came today and they've made a wondeeful offer, and subject to all of the paperwork and surveys and so on and so forth... It's done. I'm so happy to pass the house to some lovely people who will hopefully be happy here.

I've had a contented day pottering around starting to pack in preparation for the move while my neighbour took Charlie out for a fun day of adventures. This evening though, he's been the GURGLIEST, EGGIEST FART BOY IN THE WORLD, which was already making me quite anxious, and then I noticed he was really drooly too (totally unusual), so now I'm really worried he ate something bad and has poisoned himself. (One of his only foibles is that he likes eating random stuff he finds out on his walks)... And given our experiences earlier in the month I'm also worried that he's going to do a bad poop, and/or wake me up in the middle of the night again.

So there's a gross cliffhanger to leave you on.

The other cliffhanger of course, is that I move to London in two weeks today. September is going to be a month of big adventure, and I can hardly wait!

July 2019

Okay, real talk, July's not been the easiest of months. Sorry. Feels like I've been saying that a lot this year. The good news is that I am now INCREDIBLY optimistic about the future, but also incredibly impatient to actually get there.

Once I figured out that I was able to move to London, I honestly thought I'd just be able to chill out and enjoy one more summer in Hebden Bridge (safe in the knowledge that I was not enduring one more winter), but instead my brain has decided to fully flip into 'must get out. must get out' mode. This, coupled with near constant rain (that old chestnut) means that I've not really been having the nice time I hoped I'd have this summer...

The boy's a joy though. For a while back there I was really scared that in order to move on with my life, he wouldn't be able to come with me, so every happy moment with him was tainted with the fear that I might lose him — the thought of which genuinely breaks my heart. But now I have a secure path forward for the two of us together (for at least the next couple of years, hopefully much longer), I'm able to enjoy imagining our future together, hopefully for the rest of his life. He's such a strange dog with his funny habits and personality quirks, but also THE GOODEST BOY

I had a meeting in a part of Leeds I'd never been to before and I saw some weird stuff.

Here's a visual diary about visual diaries

And another! (Had lots of fun showing some of the archives to open studios visitors at the Egg Factory, thanks so everyone who came for such kind words about my silly drawings)

Damn tho, so many cute girls in cute shorts. My perpetual sadness that whenever *I* wear shorts, I just look bad. I still believe that I have just yet to find my perfect pair, and one day I shall achieve shorts-enlightenment.

Ongoing slug horror

Went to BIRMINGHAM for the weekend! There are lots of jokes about Birmingham being not-very-nice, and I am just here to say... They're all entirely correct and Birmingham is indeed not-very-nice. However, my friend Rachel is great, she fed me good things, did the good chats, and welcomed me into her and her housemate Carolyn's lovely home.

I basically just went to Birmingham because a) I wanted to see Rachel and b) I wanted to be not in Hebden Bridge for a while, so I didn't really have any missions to accomplish, other than walking Charlie (I took him with me because I want him to get brave at travels in preparation for our big move, and he was indeed brave and good). For our main walk on the Saturday, we did a big stroll over to Carolyn's allotment, which was undoubtedly the most incredible allotment I've ever been to. It was (somewhat controversially) hedged off, and full of the most beautiful and varied flowering and edible plants, and just felt like an amazing secret hidden garden in the heart of one of the city's big parks. I loved it. Then I had some great Indian food for dinner with Rachel and watched 'Sorry to Bother You', and it was a good time.

But in general... Nah Birmingham. Mostly bleak and grimy and unfriendly and grey. I did enjoy some of the brutalist architecture in the city centre, and Birmingham New Street train station is very nice now. Carolyn gave me a gift of some handmade safflower ink (she is an illustrator and uses lots of the amazing plants in her allotment to make inks, which is suuuper cool.) I used that to shade this illustration, this lovely bright yellow hue.

And... I'm back. But I want to be gone. The valley is lush and green with foliage at the moment but it's barely dry for more than a day at a time, and every walk is just pushing through sodden leaves and getting heavy and wet and tired and miserable and I'm just so tired, so tired.

I have been accused by more than one person of having a fairly callous indifference to nature. They would not be entirely wrong, in truth. I don't really give a fuck about what the moon's doing. I'm not interested in what bird that is. I do not care for views. But I tell you what... I do like a good weird plant. (And most plants are super weird if you actually look at them up close)

Justin went away for two weeks, leaving me home alone, and for the first week of that our Hebden BFF Davey was away as well, so I did feel quite low and isolated. Always got the boy though.

That week was accompanied (coincidentally? relatedly?) with some kind of mystery malaise that left me feeling intensely exhausted, light headed, mild upset stomach and just generally achey and very very low. I couldn't figure out whether it was some kind of low-key flu, some developing malnutrition (the age old vegan howl of 'Am I getting enough B12 tho?!') or actually, literally just a physical reaction to a few months of relatively constant mental stress and upset, coupled with a (self-imposed) intense work schedule. I tried to be gentle with myself, walk the boy as little as I could get away with, and not let myself work in the evenings (weeeeeird, what do I even do with them?! Apparently drink tea and watch the entire first season of Atlanta)

And an achey-tired-sad malaise is all the achier and tireder and sadder when a couple of hours a day are spent walking in unremitting rain

UNREMITTING RAIN

Unremitting rain and THE AWFUL MAN

But then my old friend Rosie (who I hadn't seen in like 5+ years) came to visit after getting back from living in New Zealand and the sun came out (literally and metaphorically)

And then suddenly it's incredibly hot and Boris Johnson is prime minister

Just leaving this here

Then it got REALLY hot. To be clear — this is not me complaining. Even at its worst, I loved it. The sun is out, it's not raining, I can step out my front door and just feel this intense heat kind of... warming me and supporting me and holding me up... And sure, I'm sticky and disgusting and it's too hot to walk outdoors for more than about 20 minutes and my laptop nearly burns out its fans trying to cool off, but... it's sun. I needed it so badly. But it is also terrifying, clearly.
(More of Carolyn's lovely safflower ink)

I very rarely get my legs out — I just get cold really easily and it's very rare I feel able to without getting goosepimply and miserable, but the time has come. The bad news is, this is not a hospitable landscape for bare legs.

Oh but hey, before I started having too much fun... (At this point I felt close to some kind of rain induced nervous breakdown. I CANNOT TAKE IT PLEASE JUST LET IT BE DRY FOR A FEW MORE DAYS, PLEASE)

I tabled at Northwest zinefest in Manchester, at the people's history museum, which is a gorgeous space and I met so many lovely people and had so many great conversations.

I just about managed to get home afterwards — over a month's worth of rain fell in 24 hours (on top of all that had been previously). The trains were just about still running when I left, and got me home... I had to get a taxi from the station back to my house, because it was raining so much that drains were exploding out onto the street, and water was ankle deep in many places, and I literally just COULD NOT. I got home to find the drainpipe had collapsed off the side of the house under the pressure of the rain, sending water torrenting dramatically out across the balcony and the side of the house, and I just sat down and had a MASSIVE CRY

I can't remember if I've ever mentioned this here before, and I feel like it's worth mentioning again, because I feel like if you were just reading this casually you'd be like 'ffs, stop being such a wimp, it's just a bit of rain', but...

When I was 11, my house flooded, and all the years prior to that had been blighted by constant anxiety that it was going to happen. Whenever there was heavy rain, me and my parents would be anxiously watching the water in the toilets rise up, hearing the drains gurgling, seeing the water come up the outside walls, worrying, fretting, will this be the time it comes in? And eventually it did, dirty, seweage water, and we lost all our carpets and some posessions, and had to live for nearly a year with the constant grinding drone of dehumidifiers running in the background. We got funding to do work so that it never happened again, but the experience shaped how I feel about heavy rain, and while most people say that hearing the sound on their windows at night is soothing and relaxing, for me it has always been horror and anxiety, even when my rational brain knows there's nothing to actually be scared of.

And it continued into my adult life, not helped by living in a somewhat leaky house for a while where every time it rained heavily, water would start pouring through the edge of my crumbling old windowframe... And then I moved to a part of the country famed for its incredibly high rainfall and traumatic floods, soooo... maybe not the best place for my mental wellbeing?

And while my past experience has shaped a lot of my hatred of heavy rain, there's also a future dread... These 'hundred year events' seem to happen every couple of years now, and in my lifetime that's only going to get worse. (Heat as well as rain, it's fair to say, but as discussed, it's the rain that gives me the fear). I can run away from this valley, but climate-change induced weather catastrophes are going to be an ever bigger part of my (and everyone else's) life the older I get. I sometimes look around me, usually when I'm having a particularly happy time, maybe sitting in the sunshine, eating an ice cream with friends, and I'm happy and comfortable and I have all of my needs met, and I wonder... are these the glory days? Is this what I'll look back on from a stricken future and remember once, how beautiful everything was? How safe we were? How good we had it?

The positive thing about this is that I'm increasingly not taking good things for granted. I am greatful for every nice meal. Every adventure. Every safe roof over my head. Every flush toilet. The downside to that is, oh, you know, the constant background dread?

Told my therapist all of this, and she was kind of like 'uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... yeah. Not much I can say to help you there really'

So anyway. Constant, grinding, unending rain does very bad things for my mental state. I have four raincoats and there have been days where every single one of them has been sitting over a radiator, drenched, from that day and the previous day, and I don't have a fresh dry one to put on to go out in it again. I change my leggings twice a day, each time I come in from outdoors my legs are achingly cold and wet. I sit at my desk hearing the rain pound on the roof window and I cannot relax, I cannot be calm while it continues.

And then that night, the flood sirens sounded, which is a visceral, gut wrenching horror for everyone within earshot. Because of what they symbolise, but also because of our inbuilt response to the sound of those, basically, air raid sirens. It is a nightmare sound. They go off and a warm, sweet conversation with friends drops into horrified silence as they drone on, and on, and on...

I need to get out of this valley.

Anyway, Justin and Dav finally got back, and that made me happy. Davey has to go back to the US VERY SOON which makes me extremely sad, but he's staying with us for his last week here, which also makes me happy. We didn't actually flood. It got close but not quite. Some mercy. It still hasn't stopped raining though.

And somehow before I know it, IT'S JUSTIN'S BIRTHDAY AGAIN, a specific date which for some reason seems to come round unnervingly fast each year. Same for him I suspect...

And today was Davey's last day in Hebden Bridge. He got rained on several times, helped me empty the foulest bins in the world, and then we went and watched our friend Sarahjoy blow dry one of her ducks (for medical reasons). I'm going to miss him so ridiculously much.