Well, July has mostly been a month of feeling very low/anxious, not having much work on, and indulging in lots of gentle self-care activities during my unusually large amounts of down time to try and pep myself up. (Don't worry though, it gets a bit better)
Last month I applied for a 0.6 lecturer role at UAL (3 days a week) — a permanent contract. So far all my teaching work has been either zero-hours or a 12 month contract, and I've come to rely on it sufficiently (especially after quitting at GFSC) that I no longer just want the work, I need it. And with that kind of pressure comes IMMENSE self doubt. I know I am good at the job — I've been doing it very successfully. I am motivated. I'd practically been told that this role was created with me in mind. But despite all the reassuring affirmations from colleagues that it would probably be fine, I became increasingly convinced that it was in fact, not going to be, and that someone better than me would come along and snatch it from under my nose. The whole process was not helped by unexpected delays at every stage of the process which kept me hanging for ever longer periods of time...
I am not a sports fan. Normally, interminable sporting coverage drives me mad. But for some reason, Wimbedon? Kinda into it. And generally especially into it during summers when I am having an otherwise bad time. When I was 18 and my first proper boyfriend dumped me the week before Wimbledon began, I watched it avidly, through tears. Nothing nearly that bad this year, but I definitely benefitted from the reassuringly gentle distraction.
My mood not helped by the MISERABLE WEATHER
Did a little bit of online teaching for a remote summer school with some colleagues while at my lowest ebb. Reassured and perplexed as one of them told the pupils that I am 'cool'
Fuck Keir man, and surprise surprise, he's already backpedalling on loads of election promises 'oh there's no money, we had no way of knowing this would be the case!' LITERALLY EVERYONE TOLD YOU THERE'S NO MONEY AND YOU'D HAVE TO RAISE TAXES but noo, let's do more public service cuts instead, absolutely fuck these guys and their centre right bullshit (there's the rant, I'm done now, I don't have the energy for this nonsense)
Spent the afternoon on the Samaritans fundraising stall at Coulsdon country fair selling brick-a-brack and enjoying all the silly nonsense that a country fair entails.
The next day, my local recreation ground had their own country fair! It was not as good. But there was a vegan baked goods stall.
As part of my 'try and feel better' tactics, I've been trying to eat better and do more proper cooking. It has definitely helped my mood (though probably not my ever expanding waistline). (I absolutely love the parks and rec scene to which this is a reference)
I've been in the freelance game long enough to know that work simply does dry up during July and August. It always comes back in Septmber. It will be fine. You just have a couple of tight months. However this does not feel fine when other work is in doubt, but I tried to just ignore this worry, and lean into having more time, by getting out a bit more during the week. I went and visited my friend Lucy who had a baby just a few weeks ago. I made her a vegan bacon sandwich and cleaned her kitchen and I think she appreciated it!
Then later I took myself out for dinner (extravagant, but I haven't been eating out as much as I usually do recently, and it is one of Emma's Favourite Things), and visited the new building that Central London Samaritans are going to move to in the new year. It's very swanky but in a much less convenient location (Marylebone rather than Carnaby Street)
We got broad beans in the veg box, and rather than just ignoring them until they went mouldy, I shelled, boiled, de-skinned and blended them with avocado, basil, lemon, a little garlic mayo and salt and pepper and made a goooooood dip (could a depressed person make this??!?! etc)
Then I enjoyed walking my next London Loop section — section 7, and some of section 8, as section 7 was so short. Section 7 was quite dull, section 8 was quite good!
The other big source of anxiety has been Jessie. We saw a behaviourist last month and now have a strategy which has drastically reduced the number of times she 'loses it' (barking and lunging agressively at people or other dogs) to about once or twice a week, rather than multiple times per walk. It basically revolves around drastically limiting where we walk (literally just the recreation ground near our house), not walking her on the paths at all, avoiding other people and dogs as much as is possible, and a particular technique to pull her attention away when she is showing signs of wanting to go for something at a distance. It's made our walks a lot better but they are still very far from what I'd want from a dog, and I'm really miserable about it. Those of you who knew Charlie and Chase will know that I really hit the jackpot with both of them — absolute angels, chill, loved everyone, barely ever put a foot out of place. Now I have this nightmare dog! Some days I am fine with it, some days I just want her gone. It's still a struggle. I wish I was better at loving her for who she is (because she really loves me).
Anyway we bought her a florescent thing which goes on her lead — you can choose what the text says, and after much discussion we went for 'nervous rescue'. I wanted 'give me space' but my partner wants to leave the option open for us to start mingling again at some point. I added 'rescue' because I hope it might mean some people have a bit more empathy both for her ('she must have had a hard life!') and us ('they've done a good thing adopting a rescue, they must be working on it!') It's hard to know for sure but I do think it has helped more people give us a bit more space.
Went to the summer exhibiton with mum and my friend Vicky, it was good, though felt a bit less radical than some previous years.
Still enjoying Wimbledon but the football can do one
Some days it all felt like a bit much.
My friend Harriet suggested that I try geocaching to cheer myself up. For those who are not familiar, there is a global network of literally millions of hidden 'caches' (tiny containers usually containing a piece of paper for you to add your initials to). It's basically a big treasure hunt. As someone who likes walking and finding cool stuff, it's perfect! I have been really enjoying it, and have found a few, but some of them have puzzles attached which reveal the coordinates, and I am thus far too lazy/not smart enough for those ones :)
Anyway this was my first geocaching outing in my local neighbourhood, then I walked back through a wild space where I gathered loads of blackberries for my partner to make a crumble with. In that wild space I found a wallet with £160 in it! What would you have done?!
The only other thing in the wallet was a single bank card with a very generic name on it. Given my current financial situation, I genuinely wanted to keep it, but I showed it to my partner, and they told me that the bank card was actually a particular type of benefits card that only those who can't open a bank account have, so the person who lost the wallet is probably extremely financially precarious. They said I should phone the government department who issue the card for advice.
So I phoned them, and they told me to destroy the card and uhhhh probably just keep the cash.
No! Said my partner! You need to do right by this person! You need to hand it in at the police station! So I travelled into Croydon ASAP and handed it in there. The policeman said it would sit in their evidence room forever and I should have pocketed the cash as it would have saved him the paperwork.
GOOD-O!!!!
Anyway I am glad I did the right thing because... karma? Or something?
Karma which means I GOT THE JOB
Thank goodness for that (I start in September)
Got my nails done to celebrate (I get my nails done every month but I am calling these celebratory nails anyway)
Then travelled up to North Wales to stay with my old school friend Sarah for the weekend. I stopped off in Llandudno on the way and spent a gloriously sunny afternoon riding the tram up the orme, and the cable car back down.
The next day (in the pouring rain) we went to my old fav, Penmon Point
The next day I had a wander round Menai Bridge, which is the village I mostly grew up in (I actually lived in the middle of nowhere a few miles outside that village, but it's where I went to school and had most of my friends). I'd been sad to hear that the church I went to for the first 19 years of my life had fallen into dereliction after the small congregation were unable to maintain it. It had been bought by a couple of guys around my age who planned to turn it into their home. Not an ideal fate, but mostly I was just glad someone was going to save the building. I stood outside feeling a bit sad to think that I would never again be able to go inside again, when the guys popped their heads out of the door to say hello, and when I told them my story (somewhat emotionally), invited me inside to have a look at the work in progress. It was so so wonderful to see all the old details of that building I feel I know like the back of my hand, and to know it would probably be the last time. Felt like good closure.
I spent the weekend with my old school friend Sarah, and her two kids. It was a good reminder that I do not ever want to have children of my own :) ('bol' means tummy in Welsh)
Then I got COVIDDDDD! Wahey! Probably picked it up in tourist central Llandudno.
Symptoms came on FAST and I felt pretty bad for a couple of days, then just a bit bad for the next week. It could have been a lot worse, but still, not ideal.
I had a brief period of thinking maybe I quite like the dog actually. (She's been a little shit the last couple of days so I'm back to wishing I'd never got her again, but still, it holds some hope for future love maybe growing?! Maybe?! Or maybe it's just because I went away and spent a few days not hanging out with her? Ugh, what is wrong with me)
This is me and Jessie's daily walking route and all the things on the rec we watch out for. For some sense of scale, one VERY SLOW lap of the very outer edge of the park takes around 25 – 30 mins, so every morning I do two very ponderously slow laps with her, then my partner does another single lap in the evening (it's my choice to do the longer morning walk as the park is quieter then so we have a nicer time). It is VERY BORING.
It's good to show appreciation for the hottie I share my life with
Another day of basically NO WORK, yikes. I am less stressed about this now I know I have a job though. I guess this is... a holiday?! Watched lots of olympics (sports fan Emma apparently?!), went geocaching, read my book, played video games, walked the dog in the sun.
Now officially an Oka Shinnosuke fangirl
Every summer since I lopped (much of) my tits off, I thank the lord for no nips
Work continues to be very quiet. This is a bit of a cheat, BUT, I spent much of today working on a zine, and here's the cover! It's been ages since I made a zine, and I'm not totally convinced this one is 'good', but if nothing else it's good to make a thing just for me again for the first time in ages. Let me know if you want a copy! Maybe if I'm doing well, I'll finish it in August!
