September 2024

September hasn't been quite the stressful month I anticipated, mostly because teaching didn't actually commence (I start delivering lessons tomorrow). I swear it started a week earlier last year?! So rather than the sudden deluge of work after my leisurely summer it's felt more like a slow build up, which is good. 

Emotionally I've been kind of all over the place — I am profoundly amused by why. Since I was 15 I've been taking the same contraceptive pill (predominantly to ease terrible periods which kicked in during my mid teens). That's over 20 years! After my miserable summer, I decided to see what would happen if I simply,stopped (having heard the mounting body of evidence that various pills can cause depressive symptoms, especially in the long run). I wouldn't say it's improved my mood, so much as, destabilised it?! Maybe I have felt peppier this month but I've also definitely felt SAD, ANXIOUS, MANIC, ROMANTIC, and ANGRY with maybe more intensity than at any point since my teens? So on balance maybe I will just go right back on it, sob

Here are some of my favourite Borough Market goodies (I love Borough)

After a couple of very quiet months, all the freelance work all at once. Good to be back, to be honest.

After aforementioned miserable summer, in addition to my experiments with the pill and other general self-improvement endeavours, I decided to splash the cash on some therapy for as long as I can afford to. My previous goes at therapy have all been fairly unhelpful... I decided to mix it up this time by opting for a man my age, rather than all previous times which were women my mother's age. I certainly vibe with him more than any previous therapists, but remains to see if it will help me much overall. It is good to come to a slightly clearer understanding of some of my contradictions and sillinesses.

This one is mostly for other dog owners — if you don't already have a 'licky mat' for your dog, get one, licking is a very calming exercise for them and I've yet to meet a dog who doesn't love it. If you HAVE got one, get the 'yoggie pot', which is basically a licky mat in pot form, and what we now give Jessie her wet food dinner out of. It slows her down a tiny bit and makes her work for it (and doesn't stink to high heaven like the kong)

Went to York to see my fav boys!

 

We went into Leeds for the day, to Leeds Art Gallery (amongst other things). We all got very tired, but it was fun (and nice to be back in Leeds again briefly!)

 

Justin had to work, but Dav took me to Goddards (home of the Terry family of Terry's chocolate orange fame). A very lovely garden and Dav humoured me by letting me point at every plant in the vegetable garden and try to identify it, like a small child :)

Then on my last day in York, me and Dav walked the entire way around the walls, which neither of us had ever done before, and had delicious lunch at my fav Japanese place. I was very glad to be able to make this trip, as it was postponed last month when I sprained my ankle.

In other 'self improvement' news, EMMA HAS BEEN RUNNING. Long time blog readers may remember that when I lived in Hebden Bridge I was a super hot babe, and while some of that was down to intense hours of daily hill walking with Charlie, some of it was also thanks to running (at my peak I could do 10k, though never had any desire to do any more). I stopped running during COVID because I never truly enjoyed it, but it was one of the exercise varieties I've had most success with (that and walking/hiking), so I figured it might be good to start again. I am perpetually astonished that — for me at least — the couch to 5k does work. I am possibly the most unfit I've ever been (thanks to my terrible lungs), but if I simply do the runs, slow and steady, and don't miss any, as the program dictates, I CAN run 30 mins after 9 weeks, when during the first week I would struggle to run 1 minute.

Therapy! It's, fun?

Autumn came on real fast and for once, I am kind of pleased about it?! Not sure why but I guess I am ready to be cosy and cold. Maybe it is simply the fact that I now own a heated throw (I'm not even joking)

Went to see 'Come as you really are', the incredible art exhibiton in an old abandoned department store in Croydon made up of hundreds of random people's strange collections. It is SO GOOD and FREE (and ends Oct 20th, go go go!)

Walking out of a late night Samaritans street into chilly autumnal deserted central London streets. I love this city and am always glad for a reason to go into the middle of it. 

Spent way too much money at the amazing Pagemasters zine fair (at South London Gallery which is LOVELY and I must go more often)

My partner got some weird shaped pears which I enjoyed drawing

Life with Jessie has got somewhat easier, I think in part simply as she has settled into her routine of living here, but the doggy Prozac has DEFINITELY helped. She is now a lot calmer and barks at noises outside the house way less. She'll still never be the dog I'd perhaps wanted, but she has become much more tolerable to live with, which is a relief.

One thing that had been proving stressful was that she would NOT let us touch her precious feet, let alone clip her claws. Because of the fact that we walk her in out of the way places to avoid all people and other dogs, she's mostly on grass, so her claws don't get worn down.  They were getting perilously long, and after countless attempts to cut them ourselves (which mostly resulted in her wriggling and screaming then hiding and sulking for hours without us even managing to clip one claw), I called out a professional, who strapped her up in his well outfitted van, and she (mostly) sucked it up and dealt with it.

Now that I know we can do this, it is a huge weight off my mind! (Also the fact that she was so distracted by the unpleasantness going on at her feet that she didn't fight the muzzle, so I am going to call that a muzzle training success, haha)

I told you, I am a mass of contradictions (one big theme has been my deep and profound need to have and please friends, coupled with my complete lack of motivation to actually get off my arse and go out and see them much of the time)

Mostly I've realised that since COVID my ability to socialise has drastically reduced and changed, and if a social event is going to involve any of: a) being out past 21.00, b) socialising with more than 2 people at once, c) being in a noisy place (pub, gig, some restuaurants), d) lasting more than about 2 or 3 hours, (and at the moment e), taking place at my house — I still get quite anxious about introducing Jessie to new people so having people over feels like an inordinate amount of stress, for now at least), I will simply avoid it, or, at my worst, flake out late in the day. Still trying to figure out whether this is BAD or simply FINE. (Thanks to all friends who have still hung out with me occasionally in ways which have been fun for all of us, and sorry for being a bit shit generally)

Having described the dream social encounter above, I had just Vicky (tick) over to my nice quiet house (tick), she stayed for 3 hours (tick), and left at 21.00 (tick) (the only downside here was I AM still anxious about having people over to mine in case Jessie decides they are the enemy but she was very polite to Vicky, and took herself to bed very early — a girl after my own heart)

Also we played Rummikub and I LOVE RUMMIKUB!

Colleague Kier is no longer my line manager, which I am a little sad about as he was great and I loved working with him, but I still get to go bother him occasionally on his new course (MA Data Vis), and we took a little outing to the print department where we oohed and ahhed at riso swatches together.

And SUDDENLY, running for 20 minutes with no stopping! 

My favourite running music is A-Trak's 'Dirty South Dance 2' (tbh one of my favourite albums of all time, it's really stupid and filthy and danceable). 

In the couch to 5k app you get to choose a celebrity to be your 'coach' (they interrupt A-trak's 'Dirty South Dance 2' to tell you you've only got 5 minutes left to go and that you can do it, etc). Most of the coaches on offer were famous sports people (no thanks), so I chose Sarah Millican as she seemed like the least threatening, and has a soothing, reassuring voice.

Anyway thanks to them, I am a runner again. Yay!

For the first time in a long time, had one of those days where you sit down at the end of the day and think 'that was a perfect day'. In the morning, me and my friend James (who was visiting London) went out for DELICIOUS brunch at Mallow, then explored Borough Market. Then in the afternoon I went to my Quaker Meeting House for the open houses festival, and had a lovely time showing people around and chatting with the other Friends. (I also met a great dog called Pluto). The weather was lovely and I felt very calm and happy.

Another excellent day on Sunday, visting the V&A's digital design weekend (the only thing which marred it from being a 'perfect' day was the very long waits/no space on lots of the most fun activities). But still overall very enjoyable and thought provoking, and nice to be back in the V&A for the first time in ages.

lol, sorry about this one (but it makes me laugh to you all get to see it too)

As mentioned, I stopped taking the pill. The whole reason I started taking the pill was because my periods were bad. I've had 20 years of predictable, light, relatively pain free periods, but now we're back in the bad old days again, sob (actually relatively little pain this time, but a LOT more blood than I have become accustomed to)

Not sure if it's the unique climactic conditions this year, or the fact that we now have a front and back garden and live by a large park, but there are SO many daddies. I hate it. (Yes I will insist on calling them 'Daddies', it's my only consolation)

We hosted a welcome party for our incoming students and the whole team (apart from the mysterious Digby) came and did mini presentations about ourselves. It was extremely wholesome and nice to learn more about my cool colleagues!

I took this stupid picture of her looking at squirrels and hugely enjoyed drawing it later

Had a very busy Saturday, briefly visiting Kingston Quaker meeting house (which is very architecturally lovely and was celebrating its 10th birthday), then doing a London Loop bit, then going to some friends civil partnership celebration (which was lovely but I was socially awkward because it broke rules a, b, c and d of 'Emma's socialising preferences' so I left feeling a bit shit and miserable, albeit satsifyingly tired and full of pizza)

Those feelings of shitness persisted!! Love to spend my Sunday reflecting on all the ways I am bad!! (Funnily enough after drawing this I felt amused enough to feel better, visual diaries ARE therapy)

 

Today I took an afternoon off to go to Eltham Palace with my mum (though wish I'd had a bit more of the day to spend on it, as I had to run off a bit early to finish up some work). It's a really beautiful building and gardens, well worth a visit.

Tomorrow, I have my first teaching session with my new gang of year 1 UX students, and I am very excited. My dog has mostly been a good girl and I am enjoying autumn. Therapy is... helpful? And I can run now. So all in all things look okay for October?!

August 2024

August has been a strange old month. I feel like I've been climbing my way out of a bit of a mental health hole, which has been aided by unusually plentiful free time, and hindered by the tail end of last month's bout of COVID, a sprained ankle, and a somewhat lack of cash/need for frugality.

In truth I feel like I desperately need a holiday, a change of scene, but I can't justify the expense of a worthwhile trip anywhere, as I'm ferociously saving for some essential tree and fencing works which need to happen in our garden this winter. (Yes yes homeownership is good actually).

So instead I've been moving slowly, trying to look after myself, trying to make the best of a strange and slightly bleak summer, and psych myself up for a very rapid ramping up of workload into September and October.

Our lovely former housemate Camille and her partner Cathy invited us over for dinner and boardgames at their lovely Putney flat. I enjoyed taking an extended walk over there from Barnes, across the common — it had that glorious late summer smell and texture, bone dry grass and soil, thick undergrowth, a rapidly building storm overhead. 

I've booked myself in to start some therapy in September, as I recognised that whatever was going on in my brain in June and July was too much for me to handle alone (even if I am feeling a bit better now, it's still good to check in, right?!) 

In the run up to that I've been thinking a lot about what ails me, and one (of several) big internal conflicts has become the feeling that I should want to spend more time with friends, when in fact what brings me greatest joy is doing stuff on my own?! Don't get me wrong — dinner with Camille and Cathy was lovely, and I left feeling uplifted and happy... But then after a nice lil hangout like that, I don't especially need or want to see anyone else for... many weeks!? Luckily most of my friends are also the kind of people who only have time/want to hang out every few months, but it does get me thinking... is there something wrong with me, or is this just, fine?

And have I changed, or was I actually always this way, and just forcing myself out of my comfort zone more in my late 20s and early 30s?

I regret to inform you that I have failed to consistently be a stylish lady this month. However maybe when I start actually going into uni to work I will make it my 'look'

Jessie is anxious which makes me anxious. I am anxious which makes Jessie anxious. Anxious girls!!!

I keep not managing to get to Quaker meeting because it's a bit annoying to get there since I've moved, but I am always glad when I do manage it.

And then I FUCKED IT — out walking the dog, I put my foot in a small animal hole, took a tumble, and quite dramatically twisted my ankle. I was SO CROSS with myself when I realised quite how bad it was, and how much it was going to ruin my month. (I think this is the same ankle I sprained back in summer 2021 during one of my London to Brighton walks, which doesn't bode well for its future health and stability...)

Luckily, it was olympics time!

(As I mentioned, work is extremely quiet at the moment. Keeping one or two small tasks ticking over for uni, and picking up extremely sporadic freelance bits hasn't amounted to more than one or two meaningful hours work most days this month, which is simultaneously GLORIOUS and deeply frustrating, because I am neither making any money NOR taking full advantage of all the places I could be going and things I could be doing during this unusually quiet time... but maybe this kind of quiet rest time is more important than I think)

At this point I was still deluding myself that with rest and elevation and ice and foot support, my ankle would be better enough to go on my planned mini break to visit friends in York a couple of days later... (but it was not to be)

I always enjoy the olympics, but this year I watched AVIDLY to distract from my sorrow at not being able to leave the house, or even move around much within the house. Got really into lots of obscure sports.

Finally able to limp over to Aldi (which is >2 mins hobble from my front door), got overwhelmed by a jar of relish

Still unable to travel, but now able to move more easily round my own flat, I threw myself into cleaning. The place is GLOWING!

Possibly pushed myself too soon, but felt like I was going a bit stir crazy — got the bus to Wing Yip (the giant Asian supermarket a few miles from our home) and bought some goodies to cheer myself up (I have been cooking exciting things a lot this month, which has been lovely!)

I was VERY SAD when the olympics ended, as I felt like it had been to a great extent helping keep me sane. 

When Snoop Dogg popped up to promote the 2028 olympics in LA, I made a SOLEMN VOW that I WILL make it back to my favourite city in the world, in 2028, 10 years after I first visited and fell in love, back in 2018. Make it so!!

Had a truly terrible experience buying a pair of headphones at Currys, and felt the need to document it in great detail (I'd been waiting to make this purchase for ages now I have more financial stability, and was VERY ANNOYED it was such a bad time)

And the headphones are not even right!!! (I will keep them and use them for zoom calls etc for which they are fine, but they are not good travel headphones! They don't fold and they fall off my head!)

 

One of Jessie's big contradictions is that twice a week the dog walker takes her out and walks her off lead and (by their accounts) she's a perfect angel girl who never runs away or gets lost or attacks other dogs or people. Admittedly, they walk her in a big safe place where it's okay for her to be off lead, whereas the places we walk her locally it's far too easy for her to get lost or get herself in danger. But on lead she's a real dickhead, which is very frustrating.

Come to trendy Croydon!! We have good art! This exhibition in an old department store/Wetherspoons collated a wide variety of people from all over the UK's strange collections. It's on for a while and I highly recommend a visit if you're anywhere in London, it is VERY good.

We had some of my partner's friends over for lunch and Jessie managed not to menace them even once

Another 'Emma thinking about Emma' moment... I used to care SO MUCH about what I wore, and dress so loudly... now I'm 2 stone heavier, and I just want to elegantly disappear (with stretchy waist). Is this okay?! Or am I sad?! 

Visited our other former housemate Beth and partner Angus for a game of my old fav COSMIC ENCOUNTER. I hadn't played it for years and it's still a classic!

Another day, another NOT MUCH WORK, decided to take myself into central London and see the Tavares Strachan exhibition at the Hayward Gallery, which was very good (I made this collage inspired by his work — I rarely work with collage even though I love it, because for some reason it sort of feels like cheating to me?! Even though it's clearly a very valid art form!?)

Just chillin' (still)

My trusted hairdresser from Brighton retired a couple of years ago and since then I've been bouncing from hairdresser to hairdresser getting the same BORING HAIRCUT. When will someone give me the radical, weird, cute, queer look I desire?! (One guy did, once, then promptly disappeared)

To be fair to this guy he was quite good, and I think was just being cautious as I am a new client, so I will go back and see if he can give me something more interesting next time.

This is kind of a big deal I guess, but... I ate a salmon roll?!

I've been vegan for something like a decade (and, FWIW, I still consider myself vegan), but the roll was going in the bin otherwise. And oily fish is the thing I miss most. So I just ate it, and lo, it was good. 

And I may do it again for as long as the free Pret continues!! (I guess this makes me a freegan?! I am still calling myself vegan though) 

But that said, I extremely do not want dairy, poultry, or red meat in my life EVER again. The only thing I really miss is oily fish. (I dream of a whole tin of anchovies for dinner)

I meant to start running at the start of August but ankle situation put paid to that until now. I do need to get some exercise though. Working through the couch to 5k as I have done before, Sarah Millican's kindly voice cheering me on while I listen to slammin' drum n bass.

My partner went away for the weekend for the first time since we got Jessie. Despite the fact that I absolutely can 'cope' with her solo, I do appreciate having my partner around for moral support if she's a dickhead. Plus my partner absolutely adores her, and it's helpful having someone round who feels that way, because a lot of the time, I do not. Anyway, me n Jessie hung out solo for a couple of days and had a reasonably nice time being sweet buddies, so that was good. 

Did another big chunk of London Loop and had a great time at it. Glorious sunshine, and I saw loads of deer in Bushy Park! 

Every week, my partner goes to a boardgaming night. And every week, my partner complains about the group's profound inability to agree on games and tables. Short on paid work, I spent an afternoon developing an elaborate concept for a boardgame scheduling app, complete with brand and a full PDF pitch deck. The whole thing is very silly and I had a lot of fun making it.

We started Jessie on doggie prozac this month — her 'anger issues' are rooted in anxiety, and we're hoping that alongside our ongoing training, this might ease things for her a little bit. She's about a week in and I do think we're starting to see a bit of a difference, so fingers crossed this helps a bit. We're still having good days and bad days though.

 
Took myself out for delicious cold summer udon at Koya in Leicester Square, and just walked around central London streets for a couple of hours. I really do love this city, especially in summer.

 

To be clear, I actually DO want to go back to school, and am really looking forwards to picking up my teaching role again, but I am not entirely looking up to my now-fully-embraced life of stupid-side-projects and frivolous-outings leisure. Ho hum. 

(When I was a kid I used to say 'I don't wanna go back to school' every night repeatedly from late August onwards)

To see out August (my month of leisure), I took the train down to Bexhill for a tour of the De La Warr Pavillion with August and their partner Red. I last visited in 2007 on an undergraduate uni trip, which is kind of an astonishingly long time ago, now. It was nice to be back. (Very scrappy drawing on the train home)

Onwards, to whatever September has in store...